


Bedtime Stories

by OneTrueStudent



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2018-11-04 22:06:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 49,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10999983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneTrueStudent/pseuds/OneTrueStudent
Summary: Hello! I'm Mara Harmon, and this is my book! I hope you like it.





	1. When Mara Met the Trolls

Helen moped across the carpet with downcast eyes and stopped. She sighed. Fast expressions played across her face, regret, excuses, denial, but she sighed again and lifted her round head.

"I'm sorry I sat on your head and farted. That was not okay," she said to Hector.

"I forgive you," said Hector, and he gave her a hug. Both of them turned to look at the parents.

Mom and Dad were wearing complex expressions. Dad's lips were a narrow line cinched together, and he was frowning hard. He sort of looked mad, but usually when he looked mad, he pursed his lips. His eyebrows shook threateningly. Mom was frowning as well, but she tried to look even scarier by putting her hand over her mouth like a beard. Dad always looked super scary when he wore a beard, so Mom was trying to be scary too. They exchanged an intense look.

"Why don't you go play outside," ordered Dad. He said it like a question, but it wasn't.

Helen put her head down and moped outside.

"You too," said Dad to Hector.

"What! Why? I didn't fart on anybody!"

Mom glared into her hand. Dad frowned extra hard. "Your mother and I need to talk. You aren't in trouble. Just go play outside."

"Aw," muttered Hector, and he stomped out the sliding-glass door behind Helen.

"Can I go outside!?" yelled Calvin. His voice echoed from the other side of the house.

"Where are you?" demanded Dad.

"I'm in the corner!"

Mom closed her eyes. She wouldn't talk.

"Yes, you can go outside," yelled Dad.

Thud, thud, thud! "Yay! I'm going outside, and I'm not in trouble anymore!" screamed Calvin as he rushed past.

"You are in trouble, you're just in trouble outside!" yelled Dad.

"Yay! I'm in trouble outside!" yelled Calvin with no loss of aplomb and thundered out the sliding glass door too.

The parents looked at me. I hadn't farted on or been farted on, nor had I spraypainted the dog, but I knew that look. I tried to look as dignified as Helen usually did and gracefully removed myself from the premises. Mom's look at Dad was even intenser. He had tucked his lips in. They shut the sliding-glass door and pulled the blinds closed after I was out.

It was hot and yucky. Rufus came out, and he looked fantastic in purple. He was extra fluffy after being blow-dried, and rolled over to put his paws up and really scratch his back on the gravel. Hector threw a tiny rock at Rufus, and it bounced off his belly. Rufus didn't mind. Helen sat on the broken swing and muttered, and Calvin went to the tree-fort tree.

"The sticks are gone," he said.

I walked over. 

"The climbing sticks." He pointed to the base of the tree, where we usually kept the two four-by-fours we had found in the woods. They were just tall enough that placed together, we could reach from them to the biggest low branches and swing up into the heights. Now they weren't, because they weren't there.

The climbing tree was a maple that branched in four just above arm's reach and branched again above that. Between the two branchings was the fort, which needed more boards. We didn't have enough. It was in the back corner of the yard by the fence, downhill of the house, and surrounded by safe ivy. 

On the other side of the fence were the woods. There was a lane of grass as broad as a yard between the fence and the woods, interspersed with bracken and sometimes thistle, but a tall adult could see over the tallest bushes. That ended with the drainage ditch, a ravine taller than the biggest adult, that served as flood relief. It wasn't dangerous unless it was flooding, but we weren't allowed to play outside in the rain anyway. Beyond the drainage ditch was the wide forest, none of us had seen the far side of. It was woods, so not safe, but not necessarily perilous. Once Calvin had seen a bear. I had seen a skunk. 

"Think Dad threw them away?" I asked.

"He might have," mused Calvin. "He mowed, and you know how he gets when we leave the sticks in the grass when he mows."

I nodded. "We need new sticks. Hector, we need new sticks!"

"Okay."

Hector trooped over, but Helen refused. Calvin rounded on her. "You have to come. We need new sticks."

"No," she grumbled.

"We're only out here because you farted on Hector," said Calvin. "You have the responsibility of guilt."

"But I didn't steal the sticks," argued Helen.

"No, Dad did, but we can't ask him about it because he and Mom are talking. So we're out here with no sticks."

Helen grumbled. In normal times she would have won, but she was upset she'd had to apologize, so she was off her game. The broken swing was a two sided bench, suspended by four chains to the swingset, but one side had cracked and Dad had taken the chains down. Now Helen grumbled at us from the low side. "Fine."

We marched into the woods.

No sooner had we passed the Back Gate when Rufus bounded past us and dove into the uncut grass. His head leaped in and out like he was breaking waves. A dozen birds broke cover and flew, Rufus barking madly after them until he plunged into the edge of the woods and retreated yelping. He fled almost back to us before crashing into a puff-ball that exploded when he touched it. Rufus froze. He snapped at another puff-ball, which poofed into white dust, and then the dog rushed sideways across the uncut grass, chasing wind-borne spores.

"Turtle?" suggested Hector.

"Maybe. He's been scared of them since one bit him, and he had stitches," I agreed.

"Turtle," decided Hector.

"No time for turtles," argued Calvin. "We need sticks!"

"I bet you won't find any sticks," muttered Helen.

Hector paused. "For how much?"

Helen looked at him. "What kind of sticks are we talking about. Climbing sticks, or just tree sticks?"

The Hs threw calculating expressions at each other and entered negotiations. Calvin told me he was going to look by the pond, a short walk downhill where the drainage ditch opened into a broad depression. Sometimes people left stuff there. I said I would climb down the ditch and go up. We agreed. Rufus went with Calvin because he had problems getting in and out of the ditch, so I went alone.

It was cooler underground. The trench walls were thick with thorn-bushes, prickers, and thistles, but also safe ivy and grass. Grass was the best. When the slopes were muddy, the dirt would give way under foot, but grass had deep roots and was easy to grab. I scrambled down where silt and small rocks formed the stream bed, and chased the stream towards its roots. It meandered from side to side along the bed, rarely more than a foot wide and usually just deep enough to soak shoes above the sole. It was easy jumping. I went up and around a corner, and found trolls.

There were four of them, and they were eating a bird. They had plucked it and roasted it over a sooty fire, and the trolls were hunched over eating feathers while it cooked. None of them was more than waist tall. They had gray hair and bony heads, dirty brown shirts and lumpy hats. None of them had pants. But they did have grasping hands, sharp teeth (full of feathers), and bright yellow eyes. They looked mean, but they didn't see me.

I tried to think of what to do. I didn't know. Hector would say hello. Helen would tell them they were eating the bird wrong. Calvin would punch someone. I decided to spy on them. 

I scrambled up a narrow crack in the dirt wall, where long grass was deeply rooted. Once I was high enough that they would have to look up to see me, I peered over the edge. Here the dirt wall was an accumulation of rock, and any little touch sent pebbles avalanching into the stream. I peered over the edge, but mostly I listened. 

"We need a plan," said one of the trolls, whose name I would learn was Chiron.

"Why do we need a plan?" demanded another. His name was Titus. "We go in, and we eat the babies. What other plan do we need?"

"They're not babies any more," said Temora. "They're kids."

"I hate kids," said Titus. "They're too stringy."

"They get stuck in your teeth," agreed Chiron.

"They have hard, crunchy shells," added Andromache.

"They report earnings pro-forma!" yelled Chiron.

"They smell like feet!" screamed Titus.

All shuddered. 

I sniffed myself. I smelled delicious. 

"Silence, all of you!" yelled Temora, and she out yelled everyone else. "You'll eat your children and you'll like it! Don't you know there are starving trolls in the Sunnyvale with nothing to eat but rocks and knuckle sandwiches? No whining!"

The trolls grumbled but fell silent. I admitted I didn't like the thought of eating rocks or knuckle sandwiches either.

Temora continued. "Good. Now listen up. I've sent away to the City of Screams for help, and they said they're sending Aurelius-"

"The Snatcher in Darkness!" hissed Chiron in evil awe.

"That's right!" grumbled Temora, who disliked being interrupted. "The Snatcher in Darkness. He's coming, and we'll snatch those children up. And you know what we'll say then?"

"Dog!" wailed Titus.

"No, we won't say dog. What is wrong with you?"

"No, DOG!" wailed Titus.

The trolls whirled.

Standing in the middle of the ditch was Rufus, war-painted and staring at the four trolls with wide doggy eyes. For a moment no one spoke. Temora moved first, making calming gestures towards Rufus as Titus hurriedly spat feathers out of his mouth. 

"Get 'em!" I yelled.

Rufus got 'em. Barking, he charged all four trolls, biting and snarling and dashing right into their midst. They scattered and ran. Andromache tried to grab him, but Rufus jumped clear and bit her. He lifted the troll and worried her fiercely, back and forth while she yelled and cried. Chiron jumped in to punch the dog, but Rufus only dropped Andromache and bit him back. The girl-troll ran, and once Chiron realized Rufus was on him, Chiron ran too. Titus was already gone. Temora ran for the bank, stopped, ran back, took the burned pigeon, and ran back for the bank with Rufus close on her heels. He chased them all right into the ground where a root-filled hole sank under a slab of rock and scrabbled fiercely at the dirt outside. 

I crawled down and checked to make sure the coast was clear. It was. Only Rufus was left in the stream-bed, and he barked and scratched at the hole. His snarls echoed down underground. I approached him very carefully, making noises to make sure he knew I was coming, and didn't pet him until he had looked at me. Even then I only scratched his ears from the side until he lowered his hackles. Rufus growled meanly at hole, panted at me, and then sat down to chew on his leg.

"What happened?" asked Calvin, comin around a corner of the ravine. "I heard Rufus barking. What are you burning? Did you find any sticks?"

I looked at him for a long time and looked at the hole. I even looked at Rufus, but he didn't say anything. Calvin looked at the fire and picked up some feathers. They were partially burned and all dirty. They looked old.

"Nothing. I didn't find any sticks," I said.

"Why was Rufus barking?"

"He saw some animals."

"Get 'em, Rufus," encouraged Calvin, and Rufus stopped chewing on himself to pant happily at Calvin.

"He did," I said, and scratched Rufus's furry head. He smiled a broad, doggy grin. "He's a good dog."

"He is. But we need sticks! I think I found some, but I need help. They're by the pond."

"Okay," I said, and we went back downstream towards the pond. Rufus bounded happily after us until he saw a turtle, then he peed on himself and hid.


	2. Potatoes on a Cat's Head

We discovered that putting a slice of warm potato on the cat's head paralyzed it. This was the greatest discovery in the history of mankind. Calvin said it was obvious. "Cats are controlled by mind control from the wizard's tower. The potato blocks the signal, so they freeze."

The cat was Runtface. Hector named it, and there's a story behind that. The potato had to be warm but not hot. We'd tried with one too fresh out of the pot, but Runtface just flicked the slice off and looked contemptuously at us all, judging us for our slice-of-potato-on-cat-head-placing ways. A warm slice did great though. First Runtface froze, and then his lips curled back above the fangs. His head retreated, but his body stayed put, making him scrunch up into his neck. His eyes went wide. Then he stayed perfectly still until he'd sneeze the potato off. He usually sniffed and walked away, but sometimes he ate it.

I didn't know cats ate potato.

Naturally we made a betting game on this. The stakes had to be high, because Runtface would only allow one potato slice a day on his head. Marbles weren't significant enough. I'd suggested money, but no one else ever had any. Hector said shoes.

"And walk around barefoot?" I demanded.

"Only if you lose."

"No! We'll go home, Mom will say, 'Give her back her shoes,' and that will be the end of that."

"But until then you've got no shoes!"

That was a stupid idea. I told Hector. He hit me. I hit him back. Calvin jumped on us both and started hitting everybody. Rufus jumped on Calvin and started humping him. We banded together to throw the dog in the pond, and he splashed among the lilies. Then Rufus bounded out, shook, and now everyone was wet. Runtface was gone because he wanted no part of this, but he'd come back. He acted tough, but he whined if you went too long without petting him. The three of us sat and tried to think of a wager.

"All right. We go with time. Whoever picks the highest time without going over wins," said Calvin.

"We agreed on that," said Hector.

"We need a bet."

Hector had another idea. He rounded on me grinning. "If I win, you have to tell us got that dragon scar."

I put my head down and scraped a hole in the ground. My shoe dug blunt furrows.

"Oh, good bet!" agreed Calvin. "I bet that too."

"No." I didn't look up.

"It's the bet!" yelled Hector.

"No! What do I get if I win?"

"I'll cook the potatoes," offered Hector, indicating our little fire and the pot. Too hot potatoes rested on a board with a carving knife. Mom hadn't been terribly concerned about the knife. You could cut yourself, but when Calvin had tried, he had really had to try. He succeeded, of course. Calvin got it done.

"We already cooked them!" I retorted.

"I'll throw my shoes in the pond?" offered Calvin.

"Enough with your stupid shoe ideas."

"They were his stupid shoe ideas," argued Calvin. "This is my first shoe idea, and it's brilliant."

"Actually, it doesn't matter," said Hector. "We automatically win. I'll go first, so I can pick a number. But whatever number you pick, Calvin can just pick the number that's one higher. So you can't win."

"If you guys are making the same bet, you should have to pick the same number."

"No." Hector looked at me like I was crazy. "We have to go boy, girl, boy."

"That is what you said when we cooked the potatoes," Calvin agreed. He looked at me like I had no choice.

"It should be ladies first," I muttered.

"That doesn't help. Then Calvin picks the number right above you, and I'll pick the number right below. You can win if you get it exactly, but no one ever gets it exactly," Hector replied.

Hector was right in that we never got it exactly.

"Also, Runtface isn't here. Why don't you just tell us while we wait for him?" agreed Calvin.

"No! If I have to pay my bet, you have to pay your bet!"

"Fine. I bet you a Rufus," said Hector. 

Rufus had been chewing on himself and looked up excitedly.

"Authentic wet dog smell!" agreed Calvin.

We all looked at Rufus. Rufus beamed back. God, that was a happy animal. Dumb as a box of hammers, but the happiest animal on earth. 

"I'll bet you a dry Rufus," I counter-offered.

"We don't have a dry dog," argued Hector, to which I yelled, "So you better dry him!"

They thought about it. "All right," said Hector, and he ran to get an old towel. He returned with Helen, who had probably forced him to talk by having ears.

"This isn't really a bet," I said to Helen. She was on my side because I was about to satisfy her ravenous curiosity. "This is a trade. It's an involuntary trade. It's robbery. You're robbers."

"Thus end all democracies," replied Calvin, arms full of dog. Rufus loved getting dried. He hated getting wet, loved swimming, and loved getting dried. 

"What?" asked Hector.

"We're the masses voting ourselves largess from the government coffers. We're the proletariat, Mara is the government, and Helen is the bourgeoisie. The renter." Calvin glared at her in Bolshevik scorn. 

We three exchanged looks.

"Viva le proletariat!" screamed Calvin and charged.

"If you hit me I will knock your block off!" screamed Helen. 

"And I'll go inside, and I won't tell anyone anything!" I yelled. 

Calvin paused. The revolution held its breath. Hector didn't know what was going on, but he wanted to see violence. Rufus was chewing on himself again. Helen and I stood firm against Calvin's aggression.

"Come, Comrade Hector. We must return to our work. There are parasites about," said Calvin, and he went back to drying the dog. 

 

Before dinner time Helen tattled. 

"Calvin punched me," Helen told Mom.

"Did he?" Mom replied, shooting a level glance at her and me.

I stayed out of it. Without a timeframe, I couldn't say anything about the integrity of her statement.

"Yes," Helen replied.

"Did you punch him?"

"You can't win an argument with Calvin by punching." Helen snorted. "That would be like winning an argument with you by going to bed on time."

Mom took a moment to keep it together. "I'd be so surprised if you did that, I don't know what I'd say. It might work."

Helen had been looking down, but she lifted her eyes grimly. "Why do you turn the kitchen into a den of lies?" she demanded.

Mom did another thing where she didn't laugh, and right now she was not laughing so hard she was turning blue. "I'm glad you've learned the inevitable futility of violence," she said, voice shaking.

Helen had to think through that one. Mom gave her some time. "Did Calvin punch her?" she asked me.

"When?" I asked.

"Today," answered Mom.

"At any point today? And do you mean from midnight or when we woke up?" I replied.

Mom has always impressed me. Again she kept it together. "Did Calvin punch Helen recently for which he hasn't been punished?"

"At all? Jeez, yes!" I snorted.

Mom had to walk away. I saw her turn her back in the dining room and just shake, hands on the table. Her face was turning purple, I knew it. She couldn't laugh in front of us. She didn't even like Dad's 'punch him back' strategy. I didn't see anything wrong with it. It was obvious Mom and Dad were different people, so it made sense they thought differently. 

"It wouldn't be futile if I was bigger than he was!" Helen yelled.

"I think she means then someone would be bigger than you," I told her.

"But I wouldn't punch them, so they'd have no reason to punch me."

"But Calvin would still punch you."

"Not if I was bigger than he was."

"Do you really think Calvin wouldn't punch you just because you were bigger than he was? Do you remember the cannonball?"

Mom returned. She looked cool. "Both of you, go. Tell Hector he can help me cook dinner if he comes now."

"Why can't I help?" demanded Helen.

Mom looked at her. "Would you like to help?"

Helen was trapped. She looked between me and the floor, before considering the windows. "I'll go tell Hector if I have to!" she wailed and ran out. 

In her absence, Mom and I had a stare off. She didn't say anything. I lifted my chin and turned away. 

 

Before bed Mom came into Helen's and my room. "Hey, kiddos. You ready?"

"Yes," we agreed.

"Okay. I've got to grade some papers, so your father is going to read to you tonight."

There was a grim silence.

"Does he have to?" Helen demanded.

"She means, can't you read to us?" I asked.

"I wish I could, but I'm way behind. But your father will read for you."

"His stories are terrible," muttered Helen.

"Oh, that is not true!" yelled Mom. "Don't say that."

"She's right," I had to agree. "Dad's stories are not so good."

"Both of you, I don't want to hear it."

"Hear what?" demanded Hector. He was in the doorway.

Mom tried to tell him to go to bed, but I cut her off. "Dad's reading to us tonight."

"Ah, crud," muttered Hector.

"Listen! I don't want to hear that out of any of you!" insisted Mom, trying to turn so she could face all three of us. Between Helen and I in the bunk-beds and Hector in the door, she was surrounded.

"Hey, Dad!" yelled Hector.

From downstairs Dad yelled back. "What?"

"If you read us a story tonight, what would it be?"

We waited. Even Mom, but she was trying to outthink this problem. She didn't get anywhere before Dad replied.

"Security Analysis by Ben Graham and Chris Dodd. Tonight is the intriguing tale of how US Industrial Alcohol Company overstated their earnings between 1929 and 1938," yelled Dad.

We all stared at Mom in silent accusation. 

"If we're lucky we'll get to the sequel about the US Cordage inventory write-down. It's got a surprise ending!" Dad added.

"Thank you, sweetie," called Mom. She smiled. None of us were smiling.

"Get your brother," she told Hector. "One story. It's got to be quick."

Mom's stories were the best when she raced. Mom didn't have time to establish why the fifty princes had to find fifty wives or why fifty swans were the reasonable choice. The other fifty wives had been eliminated in brutal sectarian killings, and the good witch deposed the bad witch via terminal defenestration. Mom hit something like a hundred murders over the course of one bedtime story. She really got into it. By the time the lights were off we were all too excited to sleep, but she packed us off and retreated to her office. It lasted a few minutes until Hector and Calvin snuck in, and we talked.

"Mom has the best stories," Calvin said, which didn't even need to be said.

"Yeah, but she really gets upset when we fight," said Hector. "It's kind of weird."

"No, because bedtimes stories aren't real. Until you turn into a swan, stop punching people!" I hissed at Calvin.

"I didn't say anything," Calvin replied.

We sat in the silence.

"You never said how you got the dragon scar," said Hector.

I grumbled at him.

"He's right," said Helen. "And we did dry Rufus."

"You didn't dry anything!" yelled Hector, and everyone shushed him.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said finally.

"We don't care," replied Calvin. "We made a deal. So tell us how you got the scar."

"I fell."

"No, you didn't."

"I did!" I snapped, and they all shushed me. Quieter, I added, "I did. It happened when some trolls tried to snatch me."


	3. The Council of Kids

"Hold on," said Calvin. "Trolls don't snatch."

All three of us looked at him like he was stupid. "Yeah, they do," said Helen, and no one could look at you like you were stupid like Helen.

"No, they don't, because trolls aren't real!" 

"Oh, really? Then what happened to the Billy Goats Gruff?" demanded Hector.

"The Billy Goats Gruff aren't real!" yelled Calvin.

"Shush," said we all.

"They're not!"

"Shush!" yelled Hector, and I added, "We need to be quiet."

"I'll prove it!" decided Calvin, and he marched out of the girls' room.

We three rushed to the door and looked. He wouldn't- he did. Calvin walked right down the stairs and into the family room where Mom and Dad were talking. 

"Honey, but we still- Why are you out of bed?" said Mom. 

"Are goats real?" asked Calvin.

We couldn't see them, but there was a silence like Mom and Dad were just staring at Calvin. Mom answered. "Goats are real, Calvin. Don't you remember seeing the goats?"

"I saw goats?"

"You were very young. We all went to the petting zoo. You petted a goat," agreed Dad.

"I petted a goat!?" yelled Calvin.

"Yes," said Mom, and Dad asked, "Why aren't you in bed?"

"You can just pet goats?"

"No! You cannot just pet goats. They're animals, so you shouldn't pet an unknown goat!" interrupted Mom. Dad grunted. I bet Mom had poked him. 

"Calvin, you know you should always approach animals carefully," said Dad. "Even dogs."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't even know goats were real," said Calvin. His voice was full of wonder.

"They are. Goats are real," said Mom.

"Go back to bed," said Dad.

He walked back around the corner and climbed the High Stairs to the second floor. Helen, Hector, and I were staring at him from Helen and my room. 

"Wow," said Calvin and walked past to his room. We chased him. "Sorry, I can't talk. I have to go to bed."

That wasn't a problem, so we all followed him. We hadn't been told to go to bed. We had been told to go to sleep, and we would. Later. We piled into the boy's room and sat on the bottom bunk. 

"So trolls are real, too," said Hector when the council had again convened.

"They are real," I said. 

"I don't like this," said Calvin. "If trolls are real, what are we going to do? What if a troll grabs me while I sleep?"

"You punch him," said Hector curiously. 

"Yeah, why wouldn't you?" I asked.

"I didn't really think about it," muttered Calvin. He sounded confused.

"That's why you should only punch trolls," said Helen. She sounded very smart. "Because if a troll grabs you, you have to punch him. But if it's someone else, well-" Helen shrugged like we all knew why that was wrong.

Calvin thought for a while, and then turned to me. "Can you find me a troll?" he asked.

"No."

"I want to punch him."

"No."

"But it's a troll!" hissed Calvin, remembering not to yell, and Hector, the traitor, agreed with him. "He should be able to punch a troll."

"I want to punch a troll," said Calvin, and the boys presented a united front. 

"No!" I looked to Helen for help. She was useless.

"You were telling about the dragon scar," said Helen, and she was not only useless but another traitor too!

"No, I wasn't! Calvin was telling us he wants to punch a troll!"

"Okay, but that doesn't matter. Calvin always wants to punch. You can't talk about whether he wants to punch someone. You can only talk about if he does punch someone, or if there are trolls. So there are trolls. Baby Daren told you, but you said you've seen them before," repeated Helen. 

"You've seen them before!?" demanded Calvin. His eyes were wide and terrible.

"Yes," I said into my shirt.

"In the house?" he pressed.

"Yes."

"Where?" whispered Hector.

"They're in the walls," I told my shirt. "That's why Rufus sleeps in our room. The trolls are scared of him."

"They should be scared of me," muttered Calvin, angrily staring around into the darkness.

"Why aren't you in bed!?" demanded Mom from the doorway.

Everyone whirled on her, but Calvin, who seethed in discontent. Hector whirled, but scampered up the ladder to the top bunk, leaving Helen and I alone. 

"We are in bed," said Helen, looking right at Mom.

Mom had none of it. She grabbed us by the hand and put us back in our room, and scolded us from the doorway. "Now do not get out of bed until morning. Do not get out of bed. Go to sleep."

"What if I need to go to the bathroom?" asked Helen.

Mom had none of that either. She walked into our room and stared Helen down, eye to eye. Helen slept on the top bunk too. "Helen, if I find you anyplace but your bed or the bathroom, you will be in big trouble."

I couldn't see them, but I knew Helen was shrugging innocently. Mom was glaring at her. I waited. Mom's legs stood by the front of the bunk as she glared a reminder at Helen. I didn't say anything. Finally Mom's legs moved away, and she pivoted and walked towards the door.

"Hey, Mom? Would you put Rufus in here, please?" I asked.

"You are not getting out of bed to play with the dog."

"I know, but I like when he sleeps on the floor. He makes me feel safe."

Mom moved further towards the door, but her face came into view. She squinted one eye at me. "Fine. Do not get out of bed."

"Yes, Mom."

She glared. I looked innocent. Helen was looking innocent too, but I looked innocenter because I actually was innocent. If Mom had been Dad she would have grumbled at us, but she wasn't, so she turned off the lights firmly and walked out. A little later she returned with Rufus, who walked in, sniffed the room, and turned three times on the red carpet before sitting down with his nose under his tail. I could just reach his head for scratches. He wagged his tail, gave me dopey dog grin, and curled back up to sleep.

"You didn't really see trolls?" asked Helen from the top bunk. She didn't lean over the side to look at me.

"Yes, I did," I said.

"I bet you didn't," she argued. I didn't answer, and she didn't say anything else.


	4. The Dragon Scar I

A

"Mom and Dad are fighting," said Hector, coming into the girls' room and sitting discontentedly on the bottom bunk.

Why?" asked Helen. She was lying on a shelf by the window with her feet laced through the headboard, holding her book towards the ceiling so it made a roof, catching sunlight.

"Mom ended a sentence with a preposition."

"Oh." Helen nodded. She went back to reading.

I was also in my bed, but it was my bed, and I didn't want Hector sitting on it. So I kicked him. He ignored me.

"Stop sitting on my bed!" I yelled and kicked him again.

He wiggled but didn't move.

I kicked with both feet, my legs a cyclone, and smote him in the back. Hector made a "bleh" sound and held it, turning my kicks into drum beats. Helen snorted at us from her book, and I stormed out of the room.

I couldn't go downstairs. Hector said the parents were fighting. They might not really be fighting. The parents were weird. Sometimes they got into intense arguments that sounded like fighting but they were laughing. They might be fighting though. You can't end a sentence with a preposition.

The parents were weird.

So I couldn't go downstairs. Hector was on my bed, so I couldn't go in my room. That left the upstairs bathroom across the hall from my room, boring, the parents bedroom next to the bathroom, not allowed, the boys' room next to mine, too many boys, or the closet. I went in the closet.

The Linen Closet had sheets and towels, and the Blue Stripey Blanket we could only borrow, not keep. The bottom shelf was really the ground. I climbed in and pulled the door shut behind me.

The secret to a good lair is packing the blankets down so you don't lie on scratchy carpet. You also want to make sure there are no cracks. Baby Daren could see the trolls in the cracks, but I hadn't told anyone else. I wanted Rufus, but he was in doggy jail. I tucked the blankets in tight and folded them up so they made a nest, sticking up on top to line the walls. I had taken the Blue Stripey Blanket. Anyone could take it, but we had to put it back. No one could take it to their room. I wanted it, and I didn't need to put it back if it never left the Linen Closet. I curled up on it, feeling how fuzzy it was.

"I was sleeping on that," said the dragon. 

"Well, I'm sleeping on it now," I said. I didn't want to say it after I had said it, but it was too late then.

I realized I was talking to a dragon, but I didn't care. I was mad.

"You're not supposed to take that when someone is sleeping on it!" hissed the dragon.

"You're a dragon!" I yelled.

"And I was sleeping!"

"Pssh. Loser dragon."

The dragon's head went flat, and he glared at me through red, burning eyes. 

The closet dragon wasn't much bigger than me, probably curled up on the shelf above because only his head stuck down between the door and the sheets. His face was upside down. He had a long snout and pointed ears, with good dragon teeth and a forked tongue, but his head was mobile, like he had a squishy skull. As he scowled at me, his ears stretched way out to the sides and his jaws poked forward. His forehead was almost flat. His lips didn't curl when he frowned, but they pulled back. 

I glared back at him. "What are you going to do about it, Closet Dragon?"

"What did you call me?" he hissed. Dragons do that a lot.

"Closet Dragon."

"Oh," he snarled, and that was the final straw. He reached out a long arm with three elbows and only two fingers, and grabbed the hinges of the door, claws going into the screws. They had always wiggled, and I had always wondered why. The dragon knew. He twisted and scratched the hinges, pulling on levers and twisting hidden knobs, and I really wanted to watch but I was busy being angry. I missed it. Instead he hit a switch and a lever, and all the sudden the floor fell away. 

I gasped and fell down a long chute. I didn't even have the blanket.

 

I landed in rocks and moss and just then, for the second time ever, I saw trolls. They were big. They were mean. They were ugly, and they were being chased by a bigger, meaner, uglier dragon.

I gasped.

One of the trolls in front, an extra ugly one with one red eye and one yellow eye, pointed at me.

"A baby! Grab it!"

Hey! I wasn't a baby! I was... oh this was a bad time to argue.

I turned and ran. The trolls chased me, the dragon chased the trolls, and the rocks were sharp underfoot.

We were in a stone house that had its outdoors inside. The floors were stone, broken and cracked with grass sticking out. Moss had fallen off the walls. There were no chairs or tables, but great logs and the stumps of old trees lay every which way in the huge rooms. The rooms were bigger than my yard. Everything was dragon-sized and not closet dragon-sized, but old dragon, ancient dragon, wyrms of the deep Earth-sized. Doors I would have to run to touch both sides of lay open, seared with sulfur and brimstone. 

I raced under a fallen redwood and jumped onto flat slate. It was smoother, so I picked up speed. The trolls were quick behind me, and the great dragon right behind them, but the beast had to go over the tree and lost time. On the slate I could outrun them. The trolls howled and threw stones, pelting my back and arms.

"Come here, little girl! We won't hurt you! We just want to snatch you!"

Pssh.

I dashed around a corner and made it to the walls, past the canyon of the window-box where ancient waterfalls tumbled from cave-mouth casement to stone underfoot. It was slick, and I had to put my feet carefully. The dragon hit the spray behind the trolls and sent up a terrible cloud, hissing as his fire hissed in the steam, and the trolls began looking back at him as much as they looked forward at me. I wasn't looking at anyone. 

Before me, routed into the stone baseboard was an arched mousehole, lined with blue writing and partially hidden with moss. It had a small doormat marked, "Go AWAY!" I got there and tried to go in, only to find that the door was locked.

"Ha!" yelled the trolls, and they rushed for me. The dragon had lost time the water, and the trolls were in the clear.

I kicked aside the doormat and found the key. I yanked the door open, jumped in, and slammed it on the trolls' faces.

"Ha!" I yelled back.

"Little girl, come out here!" yelled the trolls.

"Doom!" yelled the dragon, and his coming was a hurricane. The trolls fled.

I thought about opening the door to laugh at them, but then I thought about the dragon, and I decided to be gracious in victory. Helen would put civility first.

Inside the mouse hole there were no mice, or if they were here, they were hiding. There was a line of mouse-bottles hanging from the ceiling with long stems, each with a great brass ball bearing. Also there were four exercise wheels and some bowls of wood shavings. It was a very nice little hole. There was a door in the back that was closed, and a tube that lead up through the ceiling instead of stairs.

The trolls might be eaten by the dragon, but if they weren't, they'd be back. That meant I needed to escape. I could go out the door or the tube. Trolls ran bent over, sometimes on two legs and sometimes four, and they made great time across flat surfaces. But they didn't look like they could go up very well. I climbed the tube.

It wasn't like stairs. There wasn't another room right above the first. The tube went up into the wall and tunnelled through the stone. It wound and curved until I felt like a string racing through knots. When it ended, I was in a room behind a picture frame.

The room was spartan, a look-out for the mice. There was a picture in the frame, sewn with threads as big as my arm, that from a distance was opaque, but up close I could peer through the cracks. This was a different room, a forested dining room where mesas of black stone overlooked deep woods of green and brown. A dragon slept on the mesa with his head tucked against his leg, no wings, and plumes of smoke wafting from his nose. He looked comfortable. He should be, because he was sleeping on my Blue Stripey Blanket!

I felt like Calvin, and thought about going down there and punching him. But I didn't, because he was a dragon, and that was not a good plan.

Instead I seethed. When I finally looked away, I went to the climbing hole to descend. Before doing so, I listened and heard trolls.

"Shut up!" hissed the first to the second.

"No, you shut up! I'm being quiet."

"I'm twice as quiet as you are!"

"Then shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Both of you shut up!" said a third troll, and the first two yelled in unison, "We're being quiet!" 

There were several seconds of silence, and then one of them bit another.

That way was closed. I went back to the picture frame and looked out, but this time I looked at the wall around the frame. There was moss and ivy, and whole trees growing in hanging wall pots. The sounds of scuffling in the climbing hole were getting louder if not closer, but I had a sudden intuition that another troll, a clever one, was climbing past the fighting trolls in silence and would soon be very close. 

I squeezed between the picture frame and the wall, and climbed down an ivy ladder. Its leaves were white-tipped with green hearts, and they grew thick on the brick wall. Sometimes I grabbed plants and sometimes carvings, great heads and faces that jutted out of the stone, and made my way to a hanging planter with three elm trees ringed by a small hedge. I jumped in and hid.

A long-nosed troll head with one yellow eye and one red was sticking out from under the picture frame, looking around and sniffing like a dog. His expression was crafty and mean. Staying low, I scurried to the other end of the planter, but there the ivy had all been cleaned away. It was unclimbable stone. The troll still looked around, sometimes for me and sometimes at the dragon, which ignored us all as he slept. 

Trapped. Trapped like a mouse in a tree planter over a sleeping dragon. The worst kind of trapped. Unless there were spikes. Being trapped with spikes would be worse. So the second worst kind of trapped. 

Maybe being trapped by hornets is even worse, but hornets are flying spikes so they count the same. 

Either way, I was trapped. 

 

  



	5. The Dragon Scar II

B

Some time passed, and I put my thoughts in order.

The worst way to be trapped was by flying spiders being ridden by angry teachers who were waving rulers and you couldn't go outside because lava was raining from the sky but the ground was breaking up and you were going to fall into a pit of lava snakes who had bees for eyes and sometimes crickets jumped right in your face.

That was the worst way to be trapped.

I really wasn't trapped that bad.

Oh, I forgot about vampires! Well, I wasn't going to wait around for the vampires. I was no damsel.

I'd later learn that the heterochromatic-eyed troll was Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, and he lurked behind the picture frame above me, waiting for a sign of motion. Behind him, in the mouse lookout, his troll minions were fighting while below us all the great dragon with the Blue Stripey Blanket dreamed dragon dreams of fire and gold. I was in a wall planter with three elm trees and a low hedge, but I was no longer trapped. Once you're trapped in the hundred and ninety-ninth worst way to be trapped or higher, it's no longer a concern. I decided to get out.

"Hey, dragon!" I yelled. "We trolls think you should give up your blanket!"

Silence fell heavy and terrible with the last of my echoes, and even the fighting trolls stopped. Aurelius's multicolored eyes opened wide and fixated on the dragon to see what he would do. 

The dragon snores stopped, but the smoke plumes remained, twin spires of grey soot that climbed without spreading. They reached the ceiling and curled among the stalactites, much like smoke dragons between waves. As terrible silence remained the dragon's great claws closed jealously on the blanket. It sank into his coils. 

"No," rumbled his great voice.

"We're watching you from the picture frame, and we want you to stop stinking up our blanket!" I yelled and scuttled to the side of the planter farthest from.

"We didn't say that!" yelled a troll from behind the picture, and then I heard punching and shushing.

Aurelius spotted me as I moved, and he glared at me, his sharp troll head full of malice. The coarse hairs on his chin bristled. He couldn't do anything, though. I made faces at him.

"Who is there, whispering trolls?" hissed the dragon in words that coiled through the room. "Why do you argue among yourselves?"

"Because we didn't say that!" yelled a voice from the picture, and the shushing gave way to biting and yelping. They started fighting. 

"I see you," whispered the dragon, and his great eyes fell on the Snatcher in Darkness. Aurelius froze, for the gaze of an ancient dragon is a terrible thing. It pinned him to the wall as he tried to hide behind the picture frame, holding him fast as his little arms scrabbled to retreat.

I giggled.

That was the moment. That was it. Up until the giggling, he was just a troll, albeit a cruel and evil one, looking for something to eat. But when I laughed at him as the dragon glared, Aurelius marked me forever.

"And the sound of a little girl giggling," whispered the dragon, for a double whammy of bad. "Now why would a little girl be laughing with the trolls? I think-"

We all froze, and I slapped my hands over my mouth. 

"-I will come see," hissed the great dragon, and his scales sighed on the mesa.

Oh, this was bad. Dragons were worse than vampires, and vampires had been the worst!

I peaked around a corner, not daring to look for the dragon but hoping to glimpse his shadow, and he was gone. The mesa was dark and empty. The blanket was gone too. The last ropes of smoke coiled upwards from empty space, and trees shook, either from a dark wind or the movement of a great beast. The dragon was nowhere to be seen. I looked up at Aurelius, and he looked at me with troll fury. His lips pulled back and his teeth gleamed yellow, and his snatching fingers clawed at the wall. He was so mad, but the dragon was coming. With a last look, he retreated behind the picture frame, and the trolls back there went silent.

I was safe!

But if the dragon looked, he wouldn't find trolls. And he might look for kids. He would find me.

I was doomed.

I had only a little time, for the trees still shook with his creeping. I put together a plan, but I didn't have four spoons and a trebuchet, so I got rid of that plan, and then he whispered, "Hello, little girl," and the dragon was right behind me.

"Wow, you are big," I said.

His head scraped the tree branches with his forearms on the hedge. His great jaws were wide as caverns, and his eyes red-water pools. Each scale was bigger than a dinner plate. Clinging to the walls of the immense inside-out house, he stared at me with his head cocked sideways, just enough off vertical to make me dizzy. Everything about him was disorienting.

"Did you expect any less?" he purred.

"The Closet Dragon was kinda small," I admitted.

The great dragon considered this. "Closet Dragon?"

"Yeah. The Closet Dragon. He wasn't nearly as big as you are."

The dragon chuckled, a deep sound of hisses and growls. "Closet Dragon. I like that."

"He didn't," I said.

The great dragon smiled. "That makes me like it even more."

"Yeah, I-" and I paused, looking at the immense old dragon laughing to hear the smaller dragon had been hurt by my words. He chuckled and plumes rolled from his nose, dancing smoke that slithered to the ceiling. Even his eyes narrowed, and I think his amusement was real, but his laughter was mean and old. He laughed, of course, like a dragon. "You really think that's funny?"

"Of course. A dragon's pride is his size. It is good you mocked him for failing."

"Oh." I looked down and to the side.

"I approve. Let me give you my mark for your cruelty."

"No, I don't want that," I said and tried to move away. The dragon did not care about what I wanted, though, and inhaled, sucking his smoke plumes from his nose to his lips. He wadded up a great ball of noxious gases in his mouth. When he breathed, fire and smoke leaped at me and they stank of cruel words. They knocked me from the planter, and I fell.

It was a really long fall, and I was really happy there were no spikes. 

I hit the trees and thought I was going to die, but the pine needles were soft and cushiony. For a while I lay still. A square patch of sky showed through hole in the branches I made when I fell, and I stared at the ceiling, far away and filled with coils of dragon smoke.

The great dragon, no longer interested in me, turned to the picture and tore it from the walls. He snapped at something inside, hissing and belching flames. A hail of sharp rocks caught him in the head as the trolls fought back, and the dragon dodged. Fountains of dark smoke bellowed from his mouth. Then he turned back, snapping and biting, and something small and blue fell as he climbed about on the great walls.

It was the Blue Stripey Blanket, and the dragon was busy, fighting the trolls. That made me get up and run, sprinting across the carpet of brown needles and fallen sticks to where it fell. It was fine, only dirty, and I snatched up before anyone else could take it.

The dragon and the trolls were still fighting, like they had been when I arrived, and I didn't want to be here when one of them won. It was time for me to leave, so I did, running the long way to the great doors out, and sneaking through the next room and the one beyond. Other dragons, though not so great, stalked those halls and slept under the redwood logs, but so long as I was quiet, they didn't notice me. I searched for hours until I came to a gravel floor with bits of moss, and a short chute that fell out of the wall.

I climbed it like I had the mouse-tunnel, and emerged into my lair in the closet. I hurried out of there right quick, but stopped in the hallway.

The house was quiet. I could hear the parents talking about tenure downstairs, and Hector was bugging Helen in my room, trying to make her agree to play baseball. She didn't want to. Calvin was in trouble. He had to wash Rufus, who didn't mind, and also wash Runtface, who REALLY minded and did not intend to go quietly into that good shower. But now it was just me, the hallway, and the closet.

I unmade my nest, put all the blankets back, and put the best blanket on top with its stripes and extra fuzzy parts. I also checked the door hinges, but couldn't figure out how they worked. Well, I knew how they worked the door, but not the trapdoor. I'd figure it out later. With the blanket back, I went back to the bathroom and washed my face because I smelled like dragon-smoke.

A black scar like a lizard curled on my arm, teeth biting its own tail.


	6. Jaguar Man I

A

Two nights after the robber's bet, that night I had tried to tell the others about the trolls, Helen wasn't home. She had gone to a sleep-over, and I was alone. I liked it, but it felt weird. There was no other person in the top bunk. There was no yelling from the top bunk and Helen didn't mind if I sat on her bed, but the room was empty. The bunkbeds wiggled when I moved. There was something light about them.

Rufus usually slept in my room, but tonight he was at the vet. Rufus was sick. It had happened like this.

 

Hector had permission to stay inside and watch TV. He got the big chair which was right in front of the TV and pushed the couch aside. He had a glass of water, Mom had made him chips, and he was watching the Jaguar Man. He even won an argument with Dad over it.

"Hey. Move over, sport. That's my chair," Dad had said, coming in with a book on British communists of the late nineteenth century. 

"Mom said I could have this chair if I did my homework early, and she checked it," said Hector.

"That's my chair-" said Dad, in an abstract tone, and Hector immediately said, "I asked you, and you told me to ask my Mother, and she said yes if I did my homework early and she checked it."

Dad looked caught. I don't think he knew if he had told Hector to ask Mom or not, but he wouldn't admit it. "What are you watching?" he asked cautiously.

"The Jaguar Man. It's educational."

Dad looked like he wanted to argue. He pursed his lips way over to the side and looked askance at Hector. My brother didn't budge. He looked right at Dad with his water glass in his lap, but he didn't move. Jaguar Man's theme-song started playing.

"Do you remember?" Hector asked.

"I'm going to ask your mother," grumbled Dad, and he walked off.

Dad disappeared down the littler stairs into the living room, the den beyond, and Hector moved the chip bowl right onto his lap. Dad's chair was huge and rocked. It didn't have rockers but some intricate mechanism of pivots and hangers under the seat. It was very old. We weren't allowed to sit in it, usually, and the armrests were too high for comfort. Hector lorded in it like a throne.

Later Dad remembered he had lost his seat and stuck his head out of the littler stairway. Hector was still there, glued to the TV as the Jaguar Man showed a lion kitten practicing his pounce. Hector didn't even notice Dad look. I did. Dad scowled at me, and I bet he grumbled. He went back into the den.

Not much later Helen strode down the stairs and announced to everyone that she was going to her first sleep-over ever. So much for us.

"Goodbye, little people," she said, waving like a princess. "I'll remember you when I go."

"When are you leaving?" I asked.

"In two hours."

"Do you want to watch Jaguar Man?" asked Hector, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No, I don't need to watch TV when I have places to be." Helen snorted.

"Hey! Why is that jaguar sneaking up on that crocodile?" I interrupted.

Hector didn't respond, but he grinned.

"The jaguar isn't going to attack a crocodile," said Helen from beside the couch.

Hector grinned even wider.

"Jaguars do not eat crocodiles!" yelled Helen.

Two hours later, when Dad drove her to Samantha's house, he found her on the couch with me, watching Jaguar Man

Before she left the phone rang, but I answered it first. 

"Hello. This is Mara Harmon!" I said. I was excited because normally no one let me answer the phone.

"Hey, Mara. This is Dr. Brady. I have your dog. Can I talk to one of your parents?" he asked.

"Is Rufus okay?" I asked, and Brady said, "Kiddo, nothing's wrong with Rufus. He's going to be fine-" and couldn't say anything else when I started yelling and Mom took the the phone.

I could hear the conversation from where I was. "Hello, Mrs. Harmon. This is Dr. Brady. Rufus got out of his kennel and somehow climbed the fence into the quarantine area. We think he interacted with some fluids from a dog with M. Rella, which is like the canine flu. It's fine. He's fine. Rella isn't dangerous, but he's going to get sick in about twelve hours, and, ah, there's going to be a lot coming out of both ends."

"Oh, dear," said Mom, and she squeezed her nose.

"Yes ma'am, it's going to be colorful. Ma'am, again, Rufus is going to be fine. It isn't dangerous. Treatment is just observation and administration of fluids as necessary. But we think he got out of his kennel because one of our techs left his cage open, so this is really our fault. If you'd like, we'd be happy to keep him overnight until things, ah, work themselves out."

"No!" I screamed. "I need my guard dog!"

But Mom said, "Slow down." Into the phone she asked, "How bad?"

"Ma'am, it's going to be a long night."

Mom looked at the phone. Mom looked at me. I gave her my biggest, scaredest puppy-dog eyes. I quivered. Mom looked back at the phone. 

"Why don't you call me tomorrow when we should come pick Rufus up?" she asked the vet.

"No!" I wailed, but Mom had turned her back on me. 

It was terrible! It was atrocious! I slumped, forlornly, into the the TV room and Hector said, "Well, you can sit down and watch Jaguar Man." He raised his eyebrows.

I wailed. "No! I can't watch TV! My dog is sick! He needs me! He's alone! Why is that man tormenting a leopard?"

"He's the Jaguar Man!"

"But that's not a jaguar. That's a leopard. He's poking it."

Hector looked back at the TV and back at me. "He does things with all big cats, not just jaguars. He's trying to get that cat out of a hen house."

"By poking it?" I asked. That did not seem like a good plan.

"Cat's don't like being poked," said Hector.

I stared at the TV, where the Jaguar Man was really irritating that cat. He was poking it with a stick, and the leopard snarled at him and unsheathed its claws. 

"That cat does not look happy," I said.

"He does not," agreed Hector.

The Jaguar Man announced it was a female leopard, and she was really mad. I couldn't look away. 

"I hope he doesn't get mauled," I said. "But if he does get mauled, I want to see it. You shouldn't poke a leopard." When Helen left I was on the couch.

 

And that's how I had no sister and I had no dog when it was time for bed. Mom read us a story about bears that was tamer than usual. Goldilocks got what was coming to her, and the Three Unstoppable Juggernauts of Doom lived happily ever after. Afterwards she asked me if I wanted to sleep in the boys' room.

"No, I'll be okay," I said. She nodded.

"It's important to be able to sleep alone," she told me. "You're being very brave."

"Yes, Mom."

"Sleep well. I love you, sweetie," she said, and she turned out the light.

I was alone for less than five minutes when Calvin came in. His eyes gleamed in the darkness. 

"Did you see any trolls?" he asked. I could hear him grinning. "Any of them?" 

"No, um, the lights were just turned off," I said.

"I thought they came out when it was dark! Maybe they're in your closet. I'm going to check!"

"Um, okay," I said, but Calvin was already searching.

There were no trolls in the closet. He didn't find any under the bed. He made me go up to Helen's bed so the bottom bunk was now, technically, under the bed, and he stalked it, looking for trolls. He didn't find any. Hector came in to see what we were talking about.

"I'm looking for trolls," said Calvin. "You two. Get into the bed and stick your toes over the edge."

I looked at Hector. Hector looked at me.

"Is this like poking the jaguar with a stick?" I asked.

"I don't think that's a good plan," said Hector.

"Quit your whining. Was the Jaguar Man mauled?" scoffed Calvin.

"But I don't want to get mauled either," I said, and Calvin was having none of that.

"But the Jaguar Man didn't get mauled!" 

This was true, sort of. The Jaguar Man had not been mauled. 

"I don't think we should do that just because it happened on TV," said Hector, and Calvin had none of that either. 

"Then don't poke a jaguar with a stick. This is about toes. Now toes out. I want a troll."

I just did not think this was a good idea. Calvin's ideas were sometimes not so good. "Calvin, no," I said, and got down off the top bunk and into mine.

"Yeah, I'm leaving," said Hector. He climbed down the stairs, because it was too late for jumping, and walked out the door. Calvin chased him.

"But I'm right here! I'll protect you!"

"Calvin, you're trying to poke a jaguar with a stick," said Hector.

"The Jaguar Man wasn't mauled to death!" yelled Calvin.

"Go to sleep!" yelled Dad from downstairs. He was in his chair. I knew it.

"I'm going to bed," said Hector, and he walked away.

"Yeah, I'm going to bed too!" I said, and I walked after Hector.

Calvin stomped on the floor, right by my bunk and waved his arms angrily. "I just want to get snatched by a troll!" he yelled and I looked back at him.

Gleaming under the bed were two yellow eyes!

I whirled around as fast as I could, but I was moving in slow motion. Calvin was about to stomp again, and long fingernails gleamed underneath the bed. Was it the Snatcher in Darkness? His eyes were like lights, saying "Beware" and "Danger!" I reached out to say "No!"

-and a three-fingered hand snatched Calvin down under the bed!

I gasped! Hector gasped! He had seen it too! We ran towards the bed, but not too close, and listened to the dark noises from the shadows. 

There was nothing. Then there was faint shouting. Then there was a sound of terrible violence, and the cry of, "I AM AN UNKNOWN GOAT!" with the sound of punching!

"I think I hear biting," whispered Hector, concerned.

I nodded. I knew that noise. I had bruises!

"Should- should we do something?" I asked.

Hector looked at me. "What do you want to do?"

"Hector, I didn't say I want to do anything. I just asked if we should do something."

"Like?"

"Um."

Suddenly a troll scrabbled madly out from under the bed and tried desperately to crawl across the floor. It flailed its little arms. Calvin emerged shouting and grabbed it with his hands and teeth. Before the troll could get away, Calvin yanked it back under the bed.

The room went silent.

We stared as Dad yelled, "Go to bed!" from downstairs. But he wouldn't get out of his chair.


	7. Jaguar Man II

B

We kids held a shortened council.

"Um."

"Ah," we said.

We repeated them a few times, exchanged them, and stared at the shadows under the bed.

"We should rescue one of them," I said.

"Which one?"

I looked at the bed. Hector looked at me. We both looked under the bed, and back at each other.

"Yes," I decided.

"Why don't you kids ever go to bed when I tell you to?" demanded Mom from the doorway. Her eyes were wide and disgruntled, and her hair flew up in strays.

"I tried," I said.

"I tried too!" added Hector.

"What stopped you?" demanded Mom again, looking even more disgruntled.

"Calvin," said Hector.

"He's under the bed," I added.

Mom squinted. "Why is he-"

"He wants to fight a troll," said Hector.

Mom was about to say something until she made Calvin-face. Everyone makes Calvin-face. Mom, Dad, other adults, anyone who meets Calvin sooner or later makes Calvin-face. No one made Hector- or Mara-face, but Mom was making Calvin-face now. She was making it hard. Calvin-face lead to deep breathing.

"Okay, kids," said Mom. "Mara, go back to bed. Hector, go back to your room, and go to bed. When Calvin emerges, he too shall also go to bed!" she added, throwing her voice at the bottom bunk.

"I don't know if he's down there. He might be with the trolls," I said, but I got into bed.

Mom looked at me, and she looked like she was grading papers again. With visible effort, she calmed. "Mara, dear. Are you worried?"

"Of course! I'm worried about trolls!"

"Mara, we talked about being brave. Can you be brave?"

"That's easy for you to say," said Hector. "You don't believe in trolls. You're just encouraging her creativity."

"I'm-" She paused, one finger up, and Mom was trapped. Mom looked like Dad had when Hector took his chair. Hector looked at Mom the same way he had then, big eyes and earnest expression, and she didn't say anything for a very long time.

I was in bed, but I didn't like it.

"Okay," said Mom. "I am going downstairs, and your father and I are going to watch TV. We will be listening. When the adult TV is over-"

"What's adult TV?" gasped Hector. "Is it swearing and guns?" He hopped up on his toes.

Mom squinted at him. "Kiddo, have you met your father? We're watching business news."

"Ah, man," muttered Hector.

"-As I was saying, when we're finished watching TV, one program, thirty minutes, you'll know because your father will have stopped yelling, we will come up here, and we expect four heads in beds, mercy, Helen's at that sleep-over, three heads in beds and no more yelling, or everyone's grounded!"

"You yell too, Mom," grumbled Hector.

"Yeah! You remember English Lit for Student Athletes?" I sided with my brother.

Mom stared at the ceiling for several long, tense seconds until declaring, "Everyone, go to bed!" as she strode from the room. Neither Hector nor I could say anything else.

I looked at my brother. He frowned at me.

"We have to go get him," I said. "Otherwise we're grounded!"

"This so unfair." Hector grumbled, angrier and angrier, until he made Calvin-face too. We both took a deep breath and crawled under the bed.

 

The wall at the back of the under-bed had swung open, forming a trap door to a cluttered corridor. It was full of forgotten things. Set into the rusty iron wall was an immense lever topped with a red handle. Hector tried it and found the trap door opened and closed silently. It could be locked with peg-latches.

"Those fiends. They have my socks," I muttered, searching for traces of Calvin. "I don't see him anywhere."

"Should we keep going?" asked Hector.

"What else are we going to do?" I replied.

He didn't have an answer. 

I lead the way on. We had to sidle forward to squirm through the narrow walls, brushing against sharp, rusty metal on either side. Around the house we went, passing suspicious trapdoors with sinister levers, spy-holes, and cunning listening points. Several places the iron tunnel went right underneath the ventilation grates, and we looked up at our rooms from behind bars. The tunnel sank into the house. We had gone a long way before first hearing Calvin, who was being kidnapped at high volumes.

"Ah ha!" sneered a troll. "You think a mere matter of four kicks to the head, twenty nine punches, three bites, an eye gouge, two sharp smacks, and nine stomps is going to stop me?" 

"Rah!" yelled Calvin, and I heard a terrible growling.

"Four bites," corrected another troll. 

"Get him off!" yelled the counting troll as I remembered his voice.

The counting troll was Chiron, one of the four trolls I had first found in the deep woods. I had had Rufus then. Now I only had Hector. The other troll was Temora, the terrible one who had summoned Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness. I didn't know where he was now, but sometimes he whispered to me from in the air conditioning ducts or down the cracks between the carpet and the walls. He was always lurking.

These tunnels must be how he got around, but that meant he might be here. There were at least two trolls up ahead, maybe more. Calvin thought he could fight the trolls, and this is where he wound up. We would need to be sneaky. I looked at Hector and made sneaky eyes. He nodded.

In the fight that followed I heard Titus's name too. Andromache was somewhere else, tending to the cook pot, and they were fighting with each other as much as with Calvin. Maybe mostly with Calvin. But they were definitely fighting, because Temora wanted to tell the Snatcher in Darkness that they'd captured a kid, and Chiron did not.

"But Aurelius demands first bite, and I want first bite myself!" said Chiron. "I've been bitten enough to earn it."

"But he's the Snatcher in Darkness!" gasped Titus. "We promised him first bite."

"We just won't tell him," said Chiron.

"Pfft," Calvin spat dirty troll fur out of his mouth. "You're fat and hairy. You don't deserve first bite!"

"What!?" yelled Chiron, and he punched Calvin right on the nose.

Calvin struggled, but Titus and Temora had his arms, holding him down against the wall. Calvin stomped their toes and kicked their shins, but other than yowling, they held still. Finally all three of them grouped up on Calvin and carried him away. 

"The cook-pot's in the basement," said Temora. "We have to be careful that the dog doesn't find us."

"It's all right. I'll throw a bucket of water on him if he tries!" said Chiron, brave words but he sounded scared. They stomped off, Calvin doing a lot of the stomping.

They didn't know Rufus was at the vet! Of course. They hadn't waited around after they'd snatched Calvin! I didn't know what to make of it, but as the trolls disappeared, Hector whispered that he had a plan.

"But I have to go get some tools," Hector said. "Can you spy on them and follow them to their lair?"

I thought about the dark, the small tunnels, and the Snatcher in Darkness. "I don't want to, but I'll do it."

"Good. I'll be back," said Hector, and he ran the way we had come.

I was alone, and no one would know if I went back the way we'd come or just stayed here, hiding. But I had a job to do. I went sneaking after the trolls.


	8. Jaguar Man III

C

One of my old fuzzy socks had been lost under the bed, and I had just found it again. It had too many holes to be worn with loose threads sticking out, but I hooked one thread on a rusty screw and used it to leave a trail. Hector should be able to find it if he came back. It was easy to follow the trolls, because Temora bullied the other trolls as they carried Calvin deep underground. She made a lot of noise, and my sneaking went unnoticed. But deep we went. There was a hole underneath the Den Dad had called a sump, and once I had helped him drain it. We went far below that.

When I was almost out of sock they came to a iron-wrought door, the kind people put on mailboxes. It had hinges at the bottom and a red flag that was down, and it opened and closed from up to flat down. It might be a drawbridge, but there was no moat. Calvin had gone quiet, and the trolls might have thought he had given up. Temora left the other two to hold him as she went away to pull the door down.

Fools.

As soon as her back had turned, Calvin fought with a vengeance! He kicked, bit, and screamed, and dug his fingers into troll hides to yank great fistfulls of dirty fur out. Chiron dropped him almost at once, and Titus was left to hold him alone. He did not have a good time. Temora was trying to open the latch on the wide metal door without it slamming on her, and Calvin broke free, stomping the troll's feet before running away through a dark side passage. It was lit by glowing moss and lightning that crackled between the unshrouded lightbulbs and the walls. 

Temora dropped the door and it nearly crushed her feet as she jumped back to kick Titus for falling down. She had pulled her leg back and was about to yell when a soft, raspy sounded from the grim iron door-mouth.

"Don't you think you should be going after the boy instead?" asked Aurelius, his differently colored eyes the only mark of him visible from within the shadows.

Temora froze. All of them froze. I froze too.

"Because that's my meal running away, and you weren't going to deny me first bite, right?" continued Aurelius. "You promised, after all."

None of the trolls spoke for a long time, and I stopped breathing.

"No?" answered Chiron.

"Right," said the Snatcher in Darkness, still in his soft voice. "Go get the boy."

None of them moved.

"Now!" he yelled, and at once the trolls were falling all over each other, fighting and kicking, and scrabbling as they tried to be first to run after Calvin. 

Aurelius didn't run after them. He stayed still, eyes like hanging lanterns in the doorway, and I caught a glimpse of a fire behind him, a large cookpot on top that had not yet begun to boil.

"But I smell human," whispered the troll. "And I think I will eat you myself."

I was so scared I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I didn't make a sound. I dropped the sock so I could hold the sounds back in my mouth. 

Aurelius was bigger than any of the other trolls. All of them were as big as kids or bigger, but Aurelius was a full head taller than any of them. He had long arms with clutching fingers, and a nose that hooked back around towards his face. His ears curled. Everything about him was twisted or crooked, from the way his fingers slithered into fists to the bend in his back when he stood up. His red eye was higher than the yellow one. Worse was how mean he looked, and the subtle way he sniffed the air, bending forward until he went from two legs to four to taste the air and sniff the ground. His short vest was made of cast-away papers and the warning labels of deadly cleaners. 

Calvin had gone down a side passage, and if Hector came, he would have to go past Aurelius. If he didn't come, I should go back- No. If he didn't come, I had to go ahead, after Calvin. 

Hmmm. I wanted to whine, but I didn't, because if I did, a troll would eat me. I couldn't even whine a little. That made me want to whine even more.

"I smell your ugly feet," said Aurelius, as he got down on hands and knees to sniff the ground. "I smell your stinky breath."

(Hey!)

He crawled out of sight. "I smell you...over..."

I stayed still.

"Here!" he yelled and pounced on a rock. 

I was not a rock. I wasn't even near the rock. I was on a pipe.

"Rocks and children all look the same," muttered Aurelius, and he kicked it.

After grumbling about the rock, Aurelius turned around and trudged back to the cook-pot, where Andromache was making the ingredients for a human stew. He pushed her out of the way and started making the stew himself. "They had better bring me a child back."

Aurelius hadn't smelled me at all! He was lying! I should- Oh, I needed to go rescue Calvin. 

I shook my fist at Aurelius and stalked off down the corridor after my stupid brother.

 

  
Down through iron-wrought tunnels where metal pipes wove in and out of the walls like veins, I crept after Calvin. Sneaking through the passages made me think someone was sneaking up on me, and my skin was creeping as much as I was. Twice I thought I had lost him, until ahead I heard echoes of fighting. The trolls would gang up and try to grab him, but Calvin fought them off. Each time there was a lot of shouting.

Finally I found them. The metal walls had become stone, and the floor was moss and dirty. Some of the cracks dripped with swamp water. In the middle of a wide mouse-hole, Calvin had thrown over an exercise where and climbed on top. The trolls circled him, yelling. On the far wall was a hole that lead to the great, underground inside-out house, but Calvin couldn't make it. Titus was by the door, and Temora and Chiron were nearby. 

"We'll get you," threatened Chiron, whose nose had swelled to twice its normal size. It was now like another face on his face. "You were safe in the tunnels, where we couldn't fight you all at once, but we'll get you here!"

"Who will be the first to try?" asked Calvin.

A grim silence descended on the trolls as the stared at him through thin, beady eyes. Chiron broke the quiet first.

"She will," he said, pointing at Temora.

"What? No, I won't! You will!" she snapped at him.

"I will not! He never wouldn't have gotten away if you hadn't left to open the door!" yelled Chiron. "I got kicked in the nose!"

"Why don't both of you go at the same time?" suggested Titus.

"Why aren't you coming?" demanded Temora.

"I'm watching the door," he said and threw his arms across the door. He had long arms, and there was no getting outside without him snatching you up.

The trolls began to bicker, and I came up with a plan.

First I got a rock. Then I waited until Calvin distracted the trolls. He didn't know I was waiting for a distraction, so if he stayed quiet, my plan wouldn't work.

"You're stupid!" yelled Calvin.

Thanks, Calvin. 

While he was yelling at the trolls and they at him, I snuck around the side of the room, hidden by a mouse-couch and two mouse-water-bottles. Once there, I had to wait until Calvin wasn't yelling, which took a lot longer. I got bored and started thinking about clouds. But eventually Calvin didn't say anything for a while and the trolls kept on fighting about who was going to go first, and who was going to wait and try to snatch Calvin while he was beating up whoever went first. They didn't think to go all at the same time. While they were fighting, I picked up my rock and threw it over Titus's head, so it bounced against the doorframe outside.

He snatched it right out of the air! His hands moved like frog-tongues, and before I could do part three of my plan, he already had the rock. I gasped. Temora and Chiron at once jumped on him, thinking he had Calvin, and tried to snatch the rock back.

Calvin, who had been yelling insults so hard he got his shoelaces tied together, was sitting down untying his shoes when this happened. He looked up, but no one could see him over the edge of the mouse wheel. It was dark down here. I ran over to the wheel and climbed up, hissing.

"Ssh. Run!"

Calvin tried, but he fell over because his shoes were tied together.

"How did you do that!?" I yelled, and then the trolls knew where I was too!

"Get 'em!" yelled Calvin, and he yanked off his shoes to throw them like bolos.

They wrapped around Chiron, and both shoes kicked him in the fat nose. He fell down shouting. Calvin jumped off the wheel and charged, and Temora and Titus ran, leaving Chiron rolling on the ground. Calvin chased for only a moment before turning back and running, with me, back the way we had come.

"I saw you in the mouse hole. I made a distraction!"

"Oh," I said, running.

That was pretty smart. I couldn't say it because we were running, but I felt sorry for some of the bad things I thought about him: a few of them from earlier today, the ones before lunch. 

We ran. It was a while before the trolls stopped fighting and started chasing, and by then we were well back the way we came. 

It wasn't long before we were outside the room where Aurelius was preparing kid stew. All they needed were kids. The three trolls behind were gaining on us because Calvin couldn't run very fast with no shoes. For a moment I thought we were trapped, but then I saw Hector, waiting in the shadows on the far side. We waved. He waved back. We could get there, but Andromache was sitting in the right middle of the room, complaining because she wasn't allowed to help.

"You go get me some kids!" yelled Aurelius.

"Why don't you snatch some kids?" demanded Andromache. "You're the Snatcher in Darkness!"

"Because you want to cook them so you get to eat them first," argued Aurelius. "I'm on to your schemes! Now get me a kid, or better yet, a baby."

"I do like eating babies," admitted Andromache, but there were no babies here.

"Let's fight her," hissed Calvin.

"No. Stop fighting. The one cooking is Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, and we're not going to fight him and four trolls." I refused to even think about it.

"Then what do we do?" whispered Calvin.

"Something that doesn't involve fighting!"

"Weak," muttered Calvin.

Sometimes Calvin was very frustrating.

"I want to eat some babies!" whined Andromache, and she pouted.

"Woof!" yelled Hector from the other side. 

At once Andromache and Aurelius froze and crouched low with long fingers ready. They looked nervously between each other and the dark corridor. Andromache moved first, running back into the troll kitchen to get buckets, and both of the trolls got ready to splash them. The others were close now, yelling at each other as they ran up the passageway behind me, but the echoes distorted their noise. They sounded like dogs. 

"They got around us," whispered Aurelius savagely, slitting his eyes to look our way. 

"But there's another ahead of us too!" said Andromache.

"Get ready. We'll snatch them when they come."

The two trolls lurked in the shadows, and even when I knew where they were, it was hard to see them while they hid. Calvin and I were trapped. Trolls ahead and behind, and I didn't understand what Hector's plan was. We got ready for the end, and I knew Calvin was going to go down fighting. 

I wasn't. I don't like fighting. I like being sneaky! I grabbed Calvin and got behind a pipe, and unwillingly, Calvin hid beside me. Hector started growling on the other side and sometimes threw low barks, like an angry Rufus on the scent. Troll eyes gleamed like deadly stars in a black night.

Titus, Chiron, and Temora ran right out of the tunnel shouting, not even looking around. Aurelius pounced and snatched up Titus. Titus screamed and bit him. Andromache snatched Temora, who shouted and punched her too! Chiron ran away shouting. Hector ran in from the other side, grabbed a bucket of water, and doused them. Now all the trolls were shouting! I grabbed Calvin and ran, and we made it across the room while the wet, angry trolls rolled on the ground, biting.

Trolls are dumb, but they're not that dumb. Once we had run past, they stopped fighting and got up, slipping and tripping on the wet floor. They bounced off each other and into the walls, but they could run fast, loping on hands and knees across the jagged floor. 

Calvin had to go first, because he was the slowest and we didn't want to leave him behind. Hector pushed me after him, saying I had rescued him so he was my responsibility. I said okay, and ran. Hector came behind, yelling at the trolls, just mean, unfriendly things. That was so weird. The trolls yelled back, and Aurelius told us he was going to snatch us up and eat us all! Hector grinned, and caught up with Calvin and me, making us go faster.

We ran way up the corridor and looped through the walls of the house, going over stairs that were hidden in the house walls, and climbing ladders that went from the Den to above the parent's room. They chased us every inch, yelling the whole time while their cries bounced off the walls. We got to the gate to the Girls' Room, and dashed from under the bed, the trolls only inches behind, when Hector slapped a sting, and baby gates fell down around the bed.

The trolls were trapped! They screamed and howled, but Hector has set up the gates well. He'd taken them from the hallway, where the parents used them to make sure Rufus didn't get upstairs. For a moment the girls' room was full of shouting, and Aurelius glared at me, reaching his long, three-fingered hands through the baby gate, but there was nothing he could do. He was trapped, and I giggled.

"I remember you, little girl," he hissed, full of fury. "I remember you from the dragon. I will get you yet!" he promised.

"But not tonight!" said Hector, and he flipped on the lights.

All of the bedroom lights came on at once, and blasted the trolls from every light bulb. They sent up such a shouting and a hollering that they shook the walls. They started fighting again, but this time it was to get back under the bed, and they didn't stop fighting and running until they had shut the trap-door behind them and ran screaming down the corridors beyond where the echoes reached.

"What are you kids doing?" asked Dad, completely bewildered.

He had appeared in the doorway while we cheered, and looked down at us and the mess. The babygates were everywhere, all the lights on, Calvin had no shoes, and all of us were filthy. Crawling around in the dark was dirty business.

"We have defeated the trolls," said Hector.

"For now," I added.

Dad stared at us. We stared back at him. No one moved.

Dad blinked first. "Your mother is about to have an aneurysm, so I am going to see you go to bed. Everyone in the boys' room. I'm going to read you another bedtime story, and there will be no more shouting. So wash up, shut up, and get ready for the Structure of Scientific Revolutions."


	9. The Punishment

It was day four of the Punishment. Dad read from the worst bedtime story ever in the boys' room. Calvin refused to listen and curled up with his arms crossed facing the wall. He fought to stay awake so he could show Dad the plot had failed and merely boring Calvin to sleep was unsuccessful. Hector dozed on the top bunk. He was susceptible to being bored to sleep, and Dad's evil plan was working.

Helen and I couldn't listen in our own beds, so we had to sit on the boys' floor. They had cleaned it okay, so that wasn't a problem, but I missed my bed. I'd tried faking sleep so Dad would carry me back when he was done. He just poked me until I got up. Punishment was brutal.

That night Dad sat down on a chair from downstairs and paged through the yellow book while Calvin loudly harrumphed and curled up. Hector lay down reversed with his feet on the pillow, head towards Dad and the door. Helen wriggled around and got comfortable, and I tried to sleep so the boring wouldn't hurt.

"Let us then assume that crises are a necessary precondition for the emergence of novel theories," read Dad. 

"No, we don't!" yelled Helen, an unusual interruption in her sulky silence.

"Hush, I'm reading," said Dad.

"But we haven't read about crises!" yelled Helen. "We read about priority!"

"Hush, young lady. I'm reading," insisted Dad.

Helen jumped up and stomped, and Hector tried to stop the argument. "He skips chapters. The last page from last night had a lot of white. This one only has a little."

Dad paused. He looked confused. I'd thought Hector had fallen asleep.

Helen stormed over to Dad's chair. Without even looking at Dad, she leafed back. "You have to read it right!" she said. "It's- is it this one?"

"Keep going," murmured Hector. "It should start on the left."

"Helen, sit down," ordered Dad in an odd voice. "This isn't a bedtime story. You're in trouble for upsetting your mother."

"It is a bedtime story!" insisted Helen. "Our punishment is the worst bedtime story ever, but it's not no-story, so you have to read it right! Is this it?"

"Is the last one the Priority of Paradigms?" asked sleepy Hector.

Helen checked. "Yes."

"That's it."

Dad took the book away from where Helen was looking at it. "Helen, this isn't a fun story. You upset your mother. You hurt her."

"But you said you'd read, not send us to bed with no reading, so you have to read it right!" demanded Helen.

"I didn't hurt Mom!" said Calvin, rolling over. "No one hurt Mom."

"Yes, you did!" insisted Dad. "She told you to go to bed, and you stayed awake fighting. That hurt her."

"It hurt her feelings," I said.

"Oh. Feelings," said Calvin. He rolled back over.

"Your mother loves you very much!" Dad replied. He looked at Calvin. "And when she tells you to do something and you don't, that hurts. She's worried about you."

"You're ignoring me!" yelled Hellen.

"He doesn't think bedtime stories are important," I told Helen. "He thinks the only thing that matters is the reading, so he skips ahead. He doesn't know the story matters, so he thinks you're just upset because it's the worst bedtime story ever, and he doesn't care, because we're in trouble."

Dad snapped his head away from Calvin to stare at me. Helen followed his gaze, but I wasn't doing anything, just lying there. She didn't see anything surprising.

"What?" asked Helen, confused. "Don't you know bedtime stories are important?"

"I mean, of course," hemmed Dad oddly. "That's why we read every night."

"He just thinks the reading is important," I repeated. "He doesn't know the story is important too."

"It's okay Dad. You're a good reader," said Hector. 

"But you have to read it right," said Helen.

Calvin wouldn't look at Dad. Dad looked surprised and actually a little scared. That didn't feel good at all. I got up and patted him on the knee. Helen pointed at the book, which in his distraction, he'd put down on his lap again.

"That's where you stopped last night. Start from there," she said.

"You have to say please," Hector murmured.

"Please," said Helen.

"Kids, hold on," said Dad, and he picked Helen up so she sat with him. "Do you all know why you're in trouble?"

"We didn't go to bed. Calvin went under the bed, and Hector and I yelled," I said.

"I wasn't there," Helen pointed out.

"The next day you were jumping on the bed, throwing pillows, and shouting," said Dad.

"Okay, fine," she grumbled.

"Your mother cares about you! She worries! We both do, and it's not good for you not to get enough sleep. It does hurt her feelings, and that does matter. Feelings matter, Calvin!" insisted Dad.

"Why!?" yelled Calvin, rolling over. "Reading matters, but you don't even read the story right! You skip ahead. Why should feelings matter when they're your feelings, but stories don't matter if you don't want them? If you can ignore stories when you want, I should be able to ignore feelings when I want!"

Dad just wasn't ready for that. He stared at Calvin. We were all quiet, staring at Dad. He looked weird, and his eyes flicked from Calvin to all of us. He glanced at his watch. He slowly half-frowned and let that erode away.

"I promise I'll read it right," said Dad.

"Promise?" repeated Helen.

"I promise."

"You can start from there," said Hector in a whisper. He was a little awake. "You don't have to read the parts you skipped before."

Dad looked even weirder, but he said, "Okay. Calvin, feelings matter. We're going to talk about this tomorrow."

Calvin didn't know what to say either. He rolled over and grumbled.

"Right here," said Helen. She tapped the book. "Please."

 

The next day was Thursday. Mom had to work late. Dad made Calvin help him make dinner, and after dinner, he made everyone sit down with him. He looked grave.

"Minions," he said. "Let's talk about bedtime stories."

We looked at each other. Calvin didn't look like he expected to be in trouble, and Calvin knew about getting in trouble. 

"So, honestly, your mother has the best bedtime stories?" Dad asked.

Four heads nodded emphatically.

"Right," said Dad. He frowned a little, but he looked serious, not mad. "I need to work on that."

"Yours aren't bad-" I started.

"They're terrible!" yelled Calvin.

I ignored him as Dad made Calvin-face. "Mom has really good bedtime stories, though."

"What about when she rushes?" Dad asked. He squinted at me.

"Those are the best!" said Calvin. "Did you hear the one where the babies are eaten by wolves?"

Dad turned and really squinted at Cavin.

"It's about why we need to tell someone if we're going into the woods," explained Hector. "It's important because I do not want to be eaten by wolves."

"That sounds mighty bad," I agreed.

Dad squinted one eye, opened his other eye wide, and looked around at all of us slowly. Calvin nodded with a huge grin. Hector and I were serious. Helen glanced at Hector and agreed with him.

"Let's move on from that for a moment," Dad said. "Now, no fun stories until I finish the book, because you're all in trouble-"

He glanced at Calvin. Calvin nodded glumly. Dad looked at the rest of us. We also nodded. We were in trouble.

"But I will be reading you regular stories when I'm done, and they're going to be good," Dad said. He added, "Maybe with fewer wolves."

"Oh, there were a lot of them," said Hector.

"They were dripping off the trees," explained Helen.

"Kids, your mother's a weirdo."

 

When Mom came home that night, Helen tattled.

"Mom!" Helen caught her in the doorway, trying to sidle in with arms full of jackets and bags. "Dad called you a weirdo!"

Wow! Helen tattled on Dad to Mom! That was the greatest tattle. It's super tattling!

Mom looked confused. "Who? Your father?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed Helen. Her eyes were alight with evil glee.

"The man who reads Black's Law Dictionary, for fun, called me a weirdo?" repeated Mom.

"Yeah!"

"Okay, sweetie. You tell him that's nice."

Mom finished maneuvering through the door and went to the kitchen. Helen's face fell in three phases that never found bottom. Instead she trudged away. It had been a hard few days, so I asked her if she was okay.

"I'm not mad," said Helen. "I'm just a little disappointed."

 

  
Later we all had to apologize to Mom, and then the parents went to the Den to talk and we kids went upstairs to talk about the important things: when we went to bed, we were going to be eaten by trolls.

Helen was mad because she'd had to apologize, but not as mad as when she'd had to apologize to Hector, so she complained, "We can't even fight the trolls because we'll get into trouble again!"

"We could fight them without shouting," I said.

"You can't fight without shouting," scoffed Calvin. "There's fighting and there's not shouting, but you can't do both at the same time."

"I didn't really mean fighting," I said, rubbing my arm. "I really meant sneaking."

They looked at me. I shrugged.

"But what kind of sneaking would we do?" asked Hector. "We're in our beds. You can't be sneaky in your bed if the trolls know you're in your bed."

The phone rang downstairs. 

It was mine! I blasted out of the room, shoving slow Calvin into the hamper, and dashed down the stairs. I lost my footing on step eight, fell, caught myself, and still made it to the kitchen before anyone else. They had barely gotten halfway down when I lifted the receiver and by the rules, I was safe.

"This is Mara Harmon," I chirped. I had answered the phone again!

"Hello, Mara Harmon. This is your aunt, Janet. Is my sister or your Dad around?" She sounded tired. 

"Yes!" I said. "I think. Hold on. Talk to Hector."

I gave my other slow brother the phone and went down the Littler Stairs to the Living Room and the Den.

Dad was sitting on Mom's chair, looking up at her as she mulled some thought. She leaned against a filing cabinet. Both of their desks were piled high, and the big globe that we couldn't touch rested on the bookshelf behind them.

"I think you did fine," said Mom to Dad. "That late when- Yes, sweetie?"

"Aunt Janet is on the phone. She would like to speak to you."

Mom and Dad exchanged a look, and Mom left. Dad tried to catch me by the head but I ran. I had taken the call. Mom might need me!

 

 

In the Kitchen Hector was on the phone. He was telling aunt Janet of the time he found an ant. Calvin sat on the counter next to him, looking through the plate cabinet, and Helen was using pressure to climb the doorway by the refridgerator. Mom walked in, pulled Helen off the wall, put her down, pulled Calvin off the counter, put him down, took the phone from Hector, and patted him on the head. No one patted me on the head. 

"Hey, Janey," she said into the phone. Then she said 'Mmn hmm," twice and twisted the cord around her finger, but there was no third, 'Mmn hmn.'

I waited impatiently.

"Oh, my God," whispered Mom.

Calvin walked into the Family Room and sat on the couch. He spun a book between his fingers. Helen walked in with him, and tried to snatch the book out of his hands. He spun it extra fast, and she snatched for it! She missed! The book fell down. Hector went to the Bathroom. I waited. 

"Oh, J," said Mom. She looked down at me. "Sweetie, why don't you give me a minute?"

Fine! I went into the Family Room too. 

 

It was more than a minute. It was all night, because we had to go to bed.

We barely got a story. Dad came upstairs and sat down with us, but he didn't read the worst book. He just stared at us and absently stroked Helen's hair. She glared at him, but she didn't understand why. Finally Dad read Goldilocks, and bears ate Goldilocks, wolves ate the bears, and the wolves drowned in porridge.

Goldilocks usually doesn't end like that. Also, there aren't bears. I wondered if bears are the same things as unstoppable juggernauts of doom.

"Go to sleep, kids," said Dad.

"I am asleep!" I said. Helen was already faking.

Dad didn't say anything. He patted Hector on the leg and adjusted Calvin's blankets. The boys were both asleep, but they got to listen in their beds. Dad carried Helen and I individually to bed, and he tucked us in. Helen went first, but she had to pretend to be asleep, and Dad spent a while with me. He mussed up my hair and straightened it, and wrapped the blankets around me. I was doing great being asleep until I started giggling.

"Gotcha, tiger," he said quietly, a weird, unDadlike voice. "Don't make any noise, okay? Mom and I will be downstairs."

"Good night, Dad."

"Goodnight, tiger. Love you," he added and kissed me. He stood up, fussed with Helen, and said goodnight to her too. He walked out and shut the door most of the way behind him.

When he was gone, Helen's head appeared over the edge of the bed. 

"That was really weird," she said.

"Yeah. Are bears unstoppable juggernauts of doom?" I asked.

"I don't think there were really bears at all. I think he was just making stuff up. Why would bears have porridge?"

"Oh." 

"Does Dad usually say 'Love you' when he tucks you in?" asked Helen.

"No. He says, 'Good night, sleep well, don't make any noise or as soon as you wake up, you're grounded.'"

"Me too!" hissed Helen. "He didn't say that tonight! He was really nice," and a moment later she added, "I don't like it."

"You don't?"

"Why is he being nice? We're in Punishment!"


	10. Babies Have Personality

Babies have personality. People think they're blank slates. They might be that way at first, but they get personalities quickly. They're not very complicated, but they choose to do things. Baby Daren decided to be grumpy.

He couldn't walk or talk yet, and he didn't like it. He didn't like people outside his family picking him up. He wouldn't cry about it, but he'd grumble, soft, low pitched baby grumbles as he frowned.

Mom's sister, Janet, had brought baby Daren over to visit. She was in the kitchen with Mom, talking, and Dad was in the Family Room with baby Daren. Dad was reading, and Daren was examining his blocks. He had two. They were both red and wooden, one was a rectangular prism, and the other the same with an arch cut out. He muttered to himself, a block in each hand, held close for comparison.

"He's thinking about it," said Hector. We were all banned from the Living Room, so we lined up with our heads between wooden posts. The Living Room was three steps down from the foyer, overlooked like from a balcony through eight wooden posts that marched from the front door to the littler stairs. The big stairs was on the other side, going up. 

"He knows they're different," I agreed. "He doesn't know how."

"Babies are stupid," said Calvin. "They're blocks."

"I'm going to have the smartest babies ever," said Helen. "My babies will figure out shapes as soon as they see them. They'll be making beautiful houses by the time they can walk."

"Your babies are stupid," said Calvin.

"Well if the smartest babies ever are stupid, your babies will be extra dumb," replied Helen with her nose in the air, and Calvin got that look in his eyes.

"No punching!" I glared at Calvin.

"I hadn't punched her yet!" he yelled, and then we all gasped. "I mean, I wasn't even going to punch her. In her stupid face. In her stupid babies."

"I don't even have babies yet." Helen snorted.

"Hey, did Dad have babies?" asked Hector. He interrupted all the imminent punching.

"No, Mom had babies," I said.

"Yeah, but you know how Dad has kids? Does that mean he had babies?"

That stopped me. That stopped all of us, except for Calvin, who was giving Helen wicked side eye. They were about to have an incident. Helen knew it. She turned her head up and walked away, and Calvin watched her, ominously.

"You should ask Mom. You can't ask Dad, because he's in the Living Room," I told Hector.

Hector agreed, grabbing Calvin to pull him into the kitchen and momentarily leave me alone. That felt weird.

"Dad, can I come meet baby Daren?" I asked, hoping.

Dad put his book down and looked at me. He looked suspicious, one hand on Daren's back, propping him up, and his legs crossed on the carpet. Daren grumbled.

"No running," said Dad.

"I promise."

"Be good!" Dad continued in one of those blunt, Dad-statements that meant whatever he wanted it to mean.

"I promise!" I said. I couldn't yell because then the others would hear me.

"All right then," he replied and went back to reading.

I walked down extra slowly and sat down next to Daren. He was still grumbling at his blocks.

"Hi," I said.

Baby Daren looked at me. He looked like an old man, only small, with fewer but bigger wrinkles. He glared deep into my eyes.

"These blocks are wrong," thought Daren. "They're both red!"

"They're very nice blocks," I said.

"They're both red, but they're still different!"

"They have different shapes."

"But they're both red!" Daren grumbled at me and squinted.

"Shape is different then color," I tried to explain, but he was having none of it.

"Red things look the same!"

"No, they aren't. What about apples?"

"Apples are brown!" Daren nearly yelled and looked at me like I was the stupid one. 

"Oooh! You're talking about soft apples," I exclaimed, and now Dad grumbled at me over his book. I shushed.

"Of course I'm talking about soft apples. Apples are soft and brown!"

"Can I come right back?" I asked Dad. "I want to show him something."

Dad shot me some side-eye, but said I could. I got an apple from the kitchen and ran back. Mom looked like she was going to say something, so I didn't talk to her, because Hector and Calvin were asking if they could punch Helen in the babies. Mom had that look in her eyes. I ran back to the littler stairs, then walked down very slowly. Dad told me not to feed Daren the apple, but I said I just wanted to show it to him. Dad grumbled.

"See? This is an apple," I said. "They don't start out brown."

Daren stared at it. He couldn't believe it, and he didn't like it. First he leaned in and sniffed, and then he put his hand on it. "Why is it cold?"

"That's just how they feel."

"The blocks aren't cold."

"No. Those are wood."

"But they're all red!" He waved the arch at me.

"Yes. Color, shape, and temperature all all different," I said.

"What!?" demanded Daren, and threw all the blocks in disgust. They didn't go far, and only the prism made it past his foot. "You bring me mismatched blocks, tell me apples are hard, and tell me red is cold? The world's coming apart in pieces. The blocks are going to break down, and the trolls will get in, and we're all going to get eaten in our sleep."

I was so surprised to hear him talking about trolls, I didn't say anything. I just stared at him, while he picked up the superior arched block and discovered in disgust the apple didn't even fit. Baby Daren started muttering that things were better in the crib.

From the kitchen around the corner, the boys' yelling got loud. "I'm not asking if I may punch Helen in the babies! Of course not. I'm asking if she could be so punched!" insisted Calvin over Hector's protestations.

"Calvin," said Mom like she was holding the bridge of her nose. 

"Fine! I'll ask. Mom, can I punch Helen in the babies?" demanded Calvin.

"No," said Mom, who was now rubbing her temples.

"SEE!?" yelled Calvin. "Now, would I get in trouble if I did it, or can it not be done?"

Aunt Janet was laughing, but she didn't think she should be. She was snorting.

"Daren, what do you mean the trolls will get in?" I asked him.

"The trolls in the floor. I thought they couldn't get in, but now you're telling me there are holes in red things, so maybe the floor is covered in holes, I just can't see them!" grumbled Daren. 

"Well, you do have to say please," Hector pointed out from beyond the corner.

"Fine!" yelled Calvin. Before he could say anything, Mom cut him off.

"Calvin. Do not punch your sister."

"I don't want to do it!"

"-liar-" muttered Hector.

"I'm just asking if it can be done! Does she even have a babies now while she doesn't have babies?"

Some weird snortle came out of Dad, and I looked up. He was shaking, tears streaming down his eyes, and his fist in his mouth. Dad was laughing at Mom! That was mean! I hissed at him, and he hid behind Hobbes. 

He shouldn't be doing that! Actually, this was great. Now he wasn't paying attention. I pumped baby Daren for information. 

"Listen to me, Daren. I also see the trolls, but no one else can. I don't know if they're real-"

"Why wouldn't they be real? I can see them," thought Daren.

"But no one else can," I tried to explain.

"Who cares about them? They're the kind of people who bring me mismatched blocks!"

"That's- Focus, Daren. The trolls live in your floor?"

"Yes."

"Are they hairy?"

"They wouldn't be trolls if they weren't hairy. They'd be gremlins."

I had not known that. "Interesting. Do they have yellow eyes?"

"Yes."

"Three fingers?"

"Yes."

"Is there one with only one yellow eye and one red eye?" I gasped.

Daren nearly froze and looked at me. Only the perpetual movement of his baby body, still uncertainly staying seated upright betrayed any sign of life.

"That's Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness. He's the troll leader." Daren thought so quietly I could barely hear him.

I dropped the apple. "How did you know that name?"

"He told me. He hides in the floor, and he whispers," whispered Daren.

"Hey Little Girl. I'm Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, and I will snatch you into darkness. Stick your finger in this hole, Little Girl. Just your finger," I said, and baby Daren fell over.

"You know," he thought. "I didn't know you know."

"I know," I whispered. "I know everything."

"Wow. You adults do know everything," he said to me, and suddenly I was confused.

"I'm not an adult. I'm a kid!"

"But you can walk," he replied.

"Yes but-" I paused, stood up, and took a few steps, getting the blocks. "Walking doesn't make you an adult."

"Yeah, it does. All the adults walk. Once you can walk you can drive, play with knives, and use fire. I've been trying to walk every day, but I can't do it yet." Daren pointed at his legs. "I'm still too small."

I had a duty to explain. "No. Once you can walk, you're a kid. You're not an adult until you grow up. Then you're really tall. Kids can't drive. Dad let me sit in his seat once, and my feet don't touch the pedals."

"There are pedals?"

"Yeah."

Baby Daren's mind was blown. "I did not know about the pedals," he admitted, gazing in awe at me. "That sounds like an adult thing to know."

"No. I'm a kid. The Snatcher in Darkness can only snatch kids. He once whispered to me from a hole in the floor and I told Dad, and HE stuck his finger in the hole, but nothing snatched him. I made fun of Aurelius about it later, and he whined. The troll whined! He said he could have snatched Dad if he wanted to, but he was lying. He can't snatch adults. They're too big."

"Kids and babies," Daren corrected me about the Snatcher.

"Oh, yeah. You gotta be careful. You'll be snatched," I agreed with him.

"Then I'm going to die," grumbled Daren.

"If they snatch you," I agreed.

"This is garbage," Daren muttered.


	11. The Second Council of Kids I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6/21/2017

Act 1

"Calvin," said Hector. "You must come to the girl's room. We're having a council of kids."

Calvin thought about that. "Are we in trouble?"

"This is more important than that," Hector assured him.

"Oh, wow," murmured wide-eyed Calvin, and he followed his brother.

When we were all gathered, Hector called the council to order.

"We have got to do something about the trolls. Mom said that Aunt Janet is going to the hospital for two weeks, and that means Daren will be staying with us. He is prime troll-snatching bait. That is unacceptable. We must engage the trolls and force them to a situation where their baby-snatching ways are more unpleasant than a peaceful resolution."

"Why don't we just get a peaceful solution?" asked Helen.

"Because they don't want peace. They want to eat babies," said Calvin.

"That requires them to want something beyond eating babies, or fearing something beyond not eating babies," said Hector as if Calvin hadn’t spoken. "If they want nothing beyond violence, then they must be destroyed."

"Or avoided," said Helen.

"But we don't know," replied Hector. "So we need to find out."

"We don't know what?" said Calvin.

"What they want: baby eating or more?" explained Hector.

Everyone nodded, and they all looked at me.

"I don't know what the trolls want!" I pleaded.

"We don't think you do. But you must spy on them and deduce their motivations," said Hector.

"He's right," said Calvin. "You're the spy."

"I am not!"

"You can be a princess and a spy," said Helen.

"I don't want to be a princess," I muttered and glowered at them. I was on the bottom bunk towards the back where it formed a cave. I put my chin on my fist and glowered at them.

"What do you want to be?" asked Hector.

"A dinosaur. Or a cheetah."

They thought about this.

"Do you want to run down your prey and maul them with your claws?" asked Calvin.

"Yes."

"Do you want to run them down on two legs or four?" asked Hector.

That was a good question. I had spent a lot of time trying to run on four legs. It did not work well.

"Two legs," I admitted.

"Dinosaur. Probably some form of raptor," said Hector.

"Velociraptor or deinonychus?" suggested Calvin.

"It always comes back to that," I muttered. "Fine! I'll go spying on the trolls."

"Why don't you ask what kind of dinosaur I want to be?" demanded Helen.

"Because you don't want to be a dinosaur. You want to be a princess," said Hector.

"There's only one kind of princess: human. So that's all you've got," said Calvin. He sucked in his bottom lip and shrugged.

"Also, you're not doing any spying," agreed Hector. He nodded along with his brother.

"I can be both a princess and a spy!"

"Are you going to be a spy?" asked Hector.

Helen looked back and forth between all three of us, the boys watching her intently, and me hiding in my cave. She looked like she really didn't want to say anything.

"Fine!" she yelled.

"Sssshhh!" everyone yelled back.

"Why? It's afternoon? We're not supposed to be in bed," she replied.

There was a pause.

"Oh, yeah," said Hector.

"It feels like night," I agreed.

"The window's open," Helen insisted. She pointed outside. "You can see the sun!"

We could. Birds sang outside, and someone was mowing a lawn.

"What kind of dinosaur do you want to be?" I asked Hector. 

"I don't know. At first I wanted to be a woolly mammoth, but now I want to be a lemur," he admitted.

"Calvin?" I asked.

"Dragon."

"Dragon's are not dinosaurs," said Helen.

"Woolly mammoth's aren't dinosaurs either," replied Calvin. "Nor are cheetahs. Or princesses, spies, or lemurs."

"You want to be a lemur?" I asked Hector for confirmation.

He nodded. "I think they're neat."

"So what's the plan?" Calvin asked.

"The girls spy on the trolls. Then we force them to the bargaining table and negotiate a structured peace, or we destroy them and salt the earth." Hector slammed his fist into his other hand. "You two are the spies. I'm the puppet master. Calvin?"

"I am an unknown goat," said Calvin, and he narrowed his eyes to burning slits.

 

We were grounded, but we wanted to go outside. Dad was at work, and Mom was in the Den grading papers. We trooped into their office.

"Mom, who do you think can yell the loudest?" asked Helen.

Mom looked up from a paper that looked like she had bled all over it. She clutched her red pen in a white-knuckled fist.

"You are not playing the screaming game," she whispered. Mom sounded like madness.

"We aren't," Hector said. Hector never lied. "We just want to know."

"If you had to pick," prompted Calvin.

Mom's eyes were very wide, and the bloody paper shook in her hand.

"Go outside."

"We're just asking!" pleaded Helen, a little louder than she had asked before.

"OUT!"

Now we weren't grounded anymore.

The outside was a little wet because yesterday had rained. Rufus had had a bath that morning and was not allowed outside, and he watched us go to the sliding glass door with a look of betrayal. He wouldn't move from the couch, but his lip shivered as he whined. His tail lay flat on the couch.

"I can't leave Rufus," I told the others. He was my guard dog. "He's whimpering." I went over to him, and just the tip of his tail wagged as I scratched his wet head. 

"I understand. Hold on," said Calvin, and he went to the kitchen to get a piece of cheese.

Rufus forgot about me and outside.

Calvin and dog went into the Living Room, and we snuck out fast. Calvin put the cheese on the high table, which Rufus had a hard time getting to. It was too slippery for his paws. He scrabbled around in circles and shimmied over to a footstool. His face pressed the glass, and the fur stayed still, but near his lips his head pulled back from his teeth as he nipped for the cheese. Before he had it we were all outside with the door closed behind us, and from seeing this trick played before, I knew Rufus had run curiously around the house a few times and gone to sleep on Mom's feet. (I was right. She scratched his ears and muttered something about being just so stupid. That wasn't true. I mean, Rufus wasn't a bright dog, but he wasn't just so stupid. Rufus didn't mind though. He was a dog. He didn't speak English.)

Dad wasn't home from work yet, and the sun was high. It was muggy and smelled like rain. First we checked the ditch, but there was only a little water. Even the during the rain, there had only been a little. I'd never seen the flood it was supposed to protect us from. We went the long way around, all the way to the pond and back up, so we didn't have to climb down the muddy slope. We even tried not to walk in the mud. Where I had seen the trolls we spied carefully, but they were gone. The hole was dark and sinister. It was time to plan.

"Okay," said Hector. "Now if you get chased by trolls, we don't have the dog. We'll build a fort, so if they come after you, you can hide in there. Calvin and I will man the fort while you two go in. Calvin?"

"We need lava pits and death traps," said Calvin.

"Of course," retorted Hector, confused.

"Do you want the potato knife?" asked Calvin to Helen and me.

"No. It's too blunt. Only you can cut people with the potato knife," I said.

"I am the chosen one," he agreed.

Hector turned back to us girls. "Remember your mission is purely reconnaissance. Do not engage. Determine their numbers, whether or not Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, is still there, and how they plan to attack. Find out also their motivations, and if they need any resources. We are not above bribery. Do you have any questions?" Hector looked back and forth between us as he finished.

Helen and I shook our heads.

"Go forth, and do great things for your country."

As we went, they talked. Hector said to Calvin, "The question is not whether we need lava pits and death traps, but rather whether a lava pit counts as a death trap."

"They're very different things," argued Calvin.

"I don't know. If you fall into a lava pit, you're going to be real unhappy."

 

 

Helen and I entered the dark underground.

It was dark and verminously slimy. There was a mesolith of dense stone above, and erosion had stolen the dirt beneath. The initial descent was in this eroded passageway that acted as a sunlight trap. It twisted and turned so no stray beam could plunge beyond. Once it was truly dark Helen sighed and muttered something about icky walls.

"We have to go by feel," she said. "And it's going to feel gross."

"Want me to do it?"

"No. Noblesse oblige." She sighed again and put her hand firmly on the wall.

I waited. "Well?"

"It's not that slimy. It's dirt. The dirt's kinda wet," said Helen, bemused.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

We descended.

"Why does dirt sometimes become mud and sometimes just wet dirt?" Helen asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You know the path through the side gate? When it rains, that dirt is still hard. It's wet, and puddles form on top of it, but it's not mud. The garden turns into mud."

I thought about that, but before I could answer, Helen answered herself.

"I bet it's because it's hard. The garden is soft and mud is soft, but the bare dirt isn't." She trailed off, thinking.

"Dad said it's compacted," I said.

Helen nodded. 

We walked in silence, but it was so dark that silence meant I kept bumping into walls. Instead we took hands and moved on. I had one hand up to check the ceiling, but it was high and never bumped our heads. We went deeper.


	12. The Second Council of Kids II

Act 2

Deep into the underground the tunnel turned suddenly, surprising both of us. Down until then the floor had only descended, but here it lifted underfoot. Like finding the floor when you expected another stair both of us nearly tripped, and we had to stop. That was good. It was pitch black, and moving forward with our toes tapping, we noticed when the ground turned from hard dirt to cut rock.

Turning to the left, the tunnel dumped us right at a scratchy wall. Helen and I walked into it. Coarse fibers grabbed our faces, and Helen tripped. I heard her inhaling to yell, and I hissed.

“We’re here. Sssh!” I whispered as loud as I could.

Helen paused. “We’re where?”

“Here!”

“But we have to be,” replied Helen.

“Yes!” I agreed, and I felt for the edges.

“I’m not confused!” whisper-yelled Helen. “But you should explain yourself.”

“It opens!” I replied. Like the fake picture in the outdoors-house where I’d met the Great Dragon, this cloth wall wasn’t sealed on one side. It was only stuck, and I jiggered it open with my fingers.

On the other side was a great Underground. It was big. A cavern spread out below us with quartz stars in the rock above and foam below. It was like looking down at clouds. From the roof of the cavern hung tall towers with their pointy tops aiming down. They even had balconies with the railings facing up towards the ground. Between them wove pathways like more tunnels, stuck to the rocky ceiling, where trolls walked. 

“It is here,” I whispered.

“Mara, here is where we are. You can’t just say we’re here. We’ve been here all along!” said Helen, who was not looking at the upside-down city. 

“Stop arguing with me!” I whispered-yelled. “This is the trolls city! We need to be sneaky!”

“Oh, we’re THERE!” yelled Helen in her softest yell. 

“Yeah!”

“Got you!” yelled the trolls, not even whispering, and they snatched us!

Oh! This was bad. The trolls carried us like bags of rocks, and they hustled through the upside down city. They weren’t very good at carrying though, and my troll kept dropping me. Bang, bang, bang, I fell, and each time the other trolls yelled at him, he yelled at me, and I yelled at all the trolls. Helen didn’t yell at anyone. She thought, cold and calculating, and squinted at the trolls. The chasm below us was dark, and sometimes the mist mounded up into great waves among stray beams of quartz starlight. If we fell down there, we would surely die.

But I think you also die if you get eaten. 

At least if you’re cooked. 

So…

“Hey, troll. Do you cook kids?” I asked.

“Yes. But we won’t cook you, because you’re babies,” snapped the troll. His mouth was too tight, and he kept biting his words.

“We are not babies!” I yelled. 

“Sssh!” yelled the trolls.

“What? No!” I yelled back, even louder.

“Stop yelling!” yelled the trolls, and my troll dropped me again! This time he did it on purpose so he could yell better.

“Never!” I yelled, and then I sang the little star song. “Twinkle-”

“Listen up, Troll,” said Helen in a low, quiet voice. “Put me down, and I’ll make her stop yelling.”

“No! Both of you shut up!” yelled the troll, and the other trolls yelled, “Yeah!”

“Aurelius!” shouted Helen in a voice like thunder. “I call you, the Snatcher in Darkness!”

Everyone shut up. Everyone. I shut up, and I hadn’t even gotten to the end of the first verse. The trolls stopped speaking entirely, and Helen’s troll dropped her and ran. The others looked scared between them. 

Helen stood up. We were in an upside-down cupola, where long hallways wound along the ceiling of the great Underground with handrails set in the ceiling. The floor was unevenly pitted. It was really a ceiling, but upside down so we had to walk on rafters and beams. The trolls had been climbing up and down each segment. Now Helen climbed up on top of a roof beam, and stood above the trolls, glaring angrily down at them.

“You have incurred my wrath, trolls. I will make sure the Snatcher in Darkness eats every bite and leaves none for any of you, unless you listen well. And you know what will happen then?” demanded Helen.

“No,” whispered the trolls. “What then?”

“Mara, tell them what then,” ordered Helen.

“You’ll eat nothing but rocks and knuckle sandwiches!” said Mara. I’m Mara. I said it, and I said it mean!

“Oh,” muttered the trolls. That sounded bad.

“And are rocks and knuckle sandwiches good?” asked Helen.

“Oh, no,” I answered. “They’re pretty bad.”

“That’s right. Now. What else do trolls eat?” demanded Helen.

There was some silence and indistinct muttering from the trolls, and then one said, “Well, we do like babies.”

“No babies,” I said.

“We also like kids,” said another.

“Right out,” said Helen, with a slashing motion of her finger.

“Hey! I thought you didn’t like kids!” I snapped. 

“Well,” said the first troll, and they hemmed and hawed among themselves. “We don’t like kids,” continued the troll, and he didn’t finish.

“No kids, no babies,” said Helen in a tone meant to put an end to that. 

“I like roots,” admitted one troll. 

“Birds,” said another.

The others nodded.

“Roots and birds. Sometimes bark,” said the first one again. That troll took off his dirty hat and stuck his finger through a hole in it. The threads poked up. His nose was long and pointy, and the hole in his hat was over his forehead, so when he put his hat back on, he looked like a hairy rhinoceros.

“Roots are fine. Bark is okay too,” said Helen. She didn’t sound happy about it. “That’s not very tasty. What do you want?”

The trolls grumbled among themselves. “Keys?” one suggested. “Socks,” said another. “Dragon gold,” said a third, and that’s when we had them.

“Dragon gold?” asked Helen.

“Everyone wants dragon gold,” said the first troll. 

“What if we got you dragon gold?” asked Helen. “Would you promise not to eat any kids or babies?”

The trolls thought about that, and they didn’t like it. 

“Maybe kids OR babies,” said one in front. “But not both.”

Helen looked at me, and I at her. We knew what we had to do. 

“Okay. No babies,” said Helen. “We’ll get you dragon gold, but you can never again eat any babies.”

The trolls grumbled some more, but one of them said, “Deal.”

“Good,” said Helen.

She shook a grubby little troll hand, but a dry voice, full of malice and fear, spoke up from the shadows. 

“I accept no such deal,” said Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness. “And I will eat you now, then the baby later.” His smile was full of teeth, and his one yellow eye and one red eye were full of hunger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor updates 7/27/2017: grammar, etc


	13. The Second Council of Kids III

Act 3

“We didn’t come here-” said Helen, and she would have said a lot more, but I grabbed her and ran.

That was a mad rush. Aurelius the great troll was fast and grabby, but he was too big to jump across the rafters. He had to go up and down the middle of each roof part. Helen and I, once Helen stopped fighting and started running, could run by the edges of the roof. It was straight, but on our right the roof ended. Far below cloud-waves broke at the bottom of the great Underground. There may be more space underneath, but there was also certain doom. 

“We’re never going to get out,” said Helen, as we jumped across the boards with the big troll gaining fast. “We need more time.”

“Do you want to bite him?” I asked.

“No! But you need to come up with a plan,” said Helen. 

“Why me!?”

“Because otherwise we’ll get eaten by a troll!”

That was a very good point, but I didn’t like it one bit. Helen and I ran fast, but I was thinking faster. I made her turn into a hanging tower, and we left the upside down walkways for a stone ceiling under foot. It had a big room that was dirty, full of rocks and branches. There were sticks in the corners and bags of trash. It had no way out. 

Aurelius hadn’t gone in the tower, though. Once we had gone inside, the troll stopped outside and waited, wheezing through his long teeth. Unlike the other trolls, Aurelius had a shirt and pants over his thick fur. His clothes were made of garbage bags and plastic sheets, the kind Dad got from the dry cleaners we were never allowed to play with. The Snatcher in Darkness didn’t have a hat or gloves, and he never cut his nails. They were long and yellow. He crouched behind a rafter to hide, but his long twitchy ears gave away his position. We were trapped! 

“I have an idea. Are you ready?” I whispered to Helen.

“No. What are we doing?” she whispered back. 

“No time for that. When I say go, you start yelling,” I replied.

“Okay,” whispered Helen.

I had a stick. It was short and bent, with two big knots where the bark was worn off. I also had some rocks. So I took the stick and some rocks, and tied the stick to the rocks, and then I yelled at the troll.

“Hey, doofy bits! I hear you’re too old and fat to snatch a kid!” I said, hiding around the corner of the wall.

“Come here, little girl, and I’ll show you how lean and fast I am,” growled Aurelius.

“My Dad says trolls can’t snatch big kids anyway. They can only snatch babies,” I added. “It’s because you’re too dumb!” 

I looked pointedly at Helen. She understood.

“I can snatch anyone I want,” said Aurelius. His tone was still low and evil, but he was getting mad.

“That’s not what I heard!” added Helen. “I heard the dragon laughed at you when you tried to snatch a big kid, and he giggled smoke rings in the shape of your old dumb head!”

“Ooooh,” whispered Aurelius in a soft voice. His tongue slithered between his teeth like terrible fury as his long ears shook with rage. 

“And even the Closet Dragon laughed at you!” added Helen.

I punched her. That was mean!

“I’ll bite you! I’ll stomp you! I’ll grab you by your little heads and pull off your noses!” yelled Aurelius, and he got up, jumping up and down in the middle of the catwalk as he waved his long fingered-fists in the air. “I’ll eat you and spit out your bones!” He was so mad he wasn’t looking where his feet were, and he fell over twice.

I nodded to Helen. He was almost ready. 

Helen nodded at me. She was ready too.

“You’ll never catch us, you old troll!” I yelled, and Helen yelled ‘Yeah!’ behind me. “Because we’re coming out now, and there’s nothing you can do!”

And before Aurelius could say anything, I threw the rocks over the side of the balcony, right where he was.

He snatched them!

But there were too many rocks! I’d tied every rock I could find together, and the long stick looked just like a finger. With a jerk the Snatcher in Darkness leaned way over the side and caught the rocks, and was snatched himself, right off his feet! He plummeted over the edge towards certain doom.

I walked out, and saw his long troll fingers crawling at the edge. He was barely holding on.

“So long, troll,” I said, and I did a little dance as I walked past.

“You’re a bad snatcher,” added Helen, and she skipped beside me.

We walked out casually and were moving up the tunnel when the other trolls caught up to us. They walked over slowly, and the one in front who looked like a rhinoceros took off his hat. Now he just looked like a troll.

“I’m Titus, and I’ve been thinking,” said Titus the troll.

“I’m Chiron, and I’ve been thinking too,” said Chiron, who didn’t have a hat. He had a long purple vest, though, and big boots. They were too big for his feet. “We realized we made a deal with you, and even though we didn’t shake on it, we said we had a deal. If you get us dragon gold, we won’t snatch any more babies.”

Helen and I looked at each other.

“Yeah,” said Helen.

“I’m Andromache, and I don’t think you’re going to get any dragon gold, so we can eat all the babies we want,” said another. She was tall and lean, with way more teeth than any of the others. 

“But in the mean-time, we’re still hungry, and if Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, doesn’t fall to his doom, he’s going to be really mad. I’m Temora, and I think I know what to do,” said the last troll. She was the biggest of any of them but Aurelius, and also the meanest. 

“What’s that?” I asked.

“We’re going to eat you!” said Titus, and they pounced on us!

I was a little disappointed but not surprised. Helen wasn’t either. As soon as they said they were going to eat us, Helen and I took off running, and the trolls chased us through the long dark tunnel. It was a twisted, treacherous run. We hit the walls and bounced off rises in the floor, always with grasping trolls a few feet behind. The trolls couldn’t see that well in the dark either, and they bounced off the walls and each other. Sometimes they collided and one would try to snatch another, and then all four of them would fall into a big pile of biting and grabbing. Helen and I always ran. Even though they were faster than we were, because we didn’t snatch anyone we got outside.

Hector had built a fort in the deep gully outside, with high dirt walls and many mud balls. The trolls were yelling as they emerged, but they were so mad they ran right into the sun. For a moment they were bewildered and frightened, and Calvin charged right into their midst, punching and biting! Helen and I ran for the fort. They tried to fight until Calvin bit Temorra while Hector hit her with a mudball in the nose. It stuck like a brown wart. Then she ran, and running with her were the rest, fleeing deep under ground. 

“You better run!” yelled Helen. “And don’t ever come back, or I will eat your babies!”

I turned and just looked at her.

“It shows them we mean business,” said Helen. 

“Good work,” said Hector. “I’m glad you’re both not dead.”

“Fffft,” said Calvin, had troll fur in his teeth. He did some spitting. “Did you accomplish the mission?”

“We did,” I reported. “We made a deal with the trolls. If we give them dragon gold, they won’t snatch any babies.”

“But they will try to snatch us,” added Helen.

“At all, or when we give them the gold?” asked Hector.

“Both,” I said.

“Hmmn,” said Calvin. He still had troll fur in his teeth. He kept spitting. Troll fur is impossible to get out of your mouth. 

“But there’s a problem,” said Helen.

“Aurelius didn’t make a deal, and I wouldn’t trust him if he did,” I added.

“So be it. We get the dragon gold and pay off the trolls. Once we open lines of communication, we might be able to make a further deal,” said Hector.

“What about the Snatcher in Darkness?” asked Helen.

“If his will to fight is inviolate, we must eliminate his means,” replied Hector. 

And while the Hs were looking at each other with scary eyes, Calvin said, “The Snatcher in Darkness must be destroyed.”


	14. The Closet Dragon

The boys were torturing Rufus. I didn’t like it one bit.

Calvin crouched in the foyer. He held a hard blue rubber ball in one hand. Rufus quivered. I haven’t seen him so excited without cheese. Calvin stood, slowly, as Rufus sank, legs wide, paws splayed. Calvin waited. Rufus shook. Calvin’s arm eased back; Rufus tightened. Now he flexed. Calvin waited.

Dad and Hector sat on the High Stairs, waiting, watching, and I lurked above them.

Calvin’s arm flashed forward, and the ball flew, bouncing off the cabinets to thud, thud, thud through the kitchen. Rufus charged, but his paws moved faster than his body. The ball bounced off a wall, ricocheting to the left, and Rufus’ head turned after it. But his butt was going too fast! He went straight and BANG! Into the wall. 

He exploded off and got his speed fast with something to push against. The furry lightning bolt flashed after the blue ball. It bounced! He jumped, but his legs didn’t work. They shot backwards, Rufus went down, and the ball bonked him between the ears! Rufus bounded up, missed the ball again, and crashed into the newspapers. They were even slipperier than the linoleum. He went sideways into the cabinet and thumped his head!

But my guard dog was tough. He shot upright again, and the blue ball was rolling now. He charged and caught it this time, skidding into Calvin.

All the boys, even Dad, the biggest boy, laughed. Rufus jumped up, gave Calvin the ball, and hopped, waiting. 

“Stop picking on my dog!” I yelled.

“Aw, sweetie,” said Dad. He looked torn. “Dogs like chasing.”

“He’s crashing into things!”

“Well, yeah! That’s why we waxed the floor!” laughed Hector.

“That’s mean!”

“Mara,” said Dad. “It’s okay. Rufus is a strong dog. He’s not hurt. Right, Rufus? Rufus, come here!”

Rufus did not come here. Calvin held the ball, and Rufus wasn’t going anywhere. He shook his tail and whole body.

“He doesn’t look hurt,” said Hector.

“He hit a wall!” I yelled.

“Yeah! Two of them!” said Calvin. He showed Rufus the ball. Rufus took a wide stance.

“You’re all mean!” I yelled and stomped upstairs.

Rufus was too dumb to know crashing into walls was bad. Boom, boom, boom, echoed the noises from the kitchen. I climbed into my lair in the closet.

Rufus really liked playing fetch. Rufus liked fetch more than he liked not-crashing into walls. Rufus didn’t dislike crashing into walls all that much, because he did it a lot. But he really, really liked fetch. Maybe as much as eating.

He didn’t crash into walls when he ate!

Actually, he did. Hmm.

I pouted.

I hadn’t seen the closet-dragon in a long time, not since I’d met the Great Dragon, and I didn’t expect to see him now. He had been sneaky and dragony, but I knew he was around. Now, when I was mad, I met the closet-dragon again.

“Hello, human child,” hissed the long head of the sharp-scaled dragon, looking down at me. He was sleeping on the shelf above and snaked his head down to see what I was about. 

“Hello, dragon,” I said.

He hissed.

“What’s your name? I can’t call you closet-dragon if that’s mean,” I said, thinking of the dragon scar.

“I am Rage, Despair, and Chaos,” said the dragon.

“Is that all one name, or is it your first, middle, and last names?”

“It is not my name at all. It is who I am. You should not ask someone their name without telling them your own name first,” the dragon chided me and hissed.

“Oh. I’m Mara Harmon. I’m-” I had to think about who I was. “-sneaky.”

“But are you sneaky?” hissed the dragon.

“Very sneaky.”

“I will test that before I give you my name.”

That sounded dragony. “Okay.”

“Come with me,” said the not-closet dragon, and he worked a peculiar combination of hidden buttons and levers that made the wall open. I tried to watch, but I didn’t see exactly how he did it. A dark hatch opened in the wall, and two rusty iron stairs climbed into gloom. It was different than the hatch I’d fallen down before. The dragon slithered off his shelf and up the stairs. I crawled after him, and the small door closed ominously behind us.

“Up this tunnel is the lair of the serpent birds. They are very dangerous, and they eat children. But they do not know this tunnel exists. Steal two feathers from their tails and bring them to my horde.”

“The feathers, right? You want the feathers for your horde?”

“Yes.” The dragon scowled, and smoke and scorn escaped his lips.

“Because it sounded like you wanted the serpent bird tails,” I replied.

“That would not make any sense. Now go! Show me how stealthy you are, or you will surely die.”

I started to climb, but after two steps paused. The dragon was slithering back towards the closet.

“Wait!” I called after him.

The dragon scowled at me.

“Aren’t you coming?”

One big dragon eye squinted. “No. You must do this yourself if you want my name.”

“Alone?”

The dragon narrowed both eyes and frowned so his teeth pushed up past his nose. Without another word he slithered off, and the heavy door opened and closed behind him. It clicked.

I was alone without even a brother.

I didn’t need any brothers if they weren’t being nice. I could do this myself!

The stairs were grimy and cold, narrow metal U-shapes with hard angular teeth that bit into the soles of my shoes. Brown light seeped through cracks in the walls, filtered from some distant source, and I climbed upwards. I’ve never been so high in my life. The stairway went up and up, turning sometimes to twist in different directions, and I climbed through places where the iron rungs were knotted up and I couldn’t tell which way was which. But I always picked the way that kept going up, and I went higher and higher. The stairs were heavy and cold.

Soon the stairway terminated in a black vault, a great big box of a room with iron walls, rusted with age. The ceiling was slabs of metal that sometimes went down to the floor, and sometimes the walls went up above the ceiling into dark voids overhead. These whistled with hidden winds. Many heavy iron panels lay on the floor, unbolted but secured by their great weight and the clever way they fit together. Each one had tumbled so it was caught just so by those around it, and sometimes bits of steel like a broken stair were jammed into the floor too. The whole thing seemed smashed together, but it was tight and cohesive. There was no way to take it apart, and the secret winds in the ceiling whistled with high air. The whole room looked a lot like a metal birds-nest, if the birds were big, evil, and not here.

I looked all around for feathers and didn’t find one.

That was fine. RDC had said I had to steal feathers from the birds’ tails, so I needed to find the birds. But he also said the birds ate children, so I needed to hide. I looked around and didn’t find any eggs until I realized they were in the walls.

Metal jars the size of trashcans were braced in the walls, and each one had chains hanging from it. Most of the chains were locking the trashcans closed, but some of the cans had been forced open. The lids were bent out. I tested one, and the metal was stronger than I was. It was also scored with beak marks. I climbed into the trashcan and pulled the lid closed behind me, and then I thought sneaky thoughts.

For a while everything was quiet. Winds played in the serpent-bird nest, but nothing else. I got uncomfortable but didn’t move. None of the other eggs made a noise. I waited longer, playing the Silent Game. It made me think of Dad. The Silent Game was Dad’s favorite. No one ever won, but the brothers usually lost. Sometimes Helen. Sometimes even Mom lost. But Dad never lost, and I hadn’t lost yet either. If we were playing right now, the winds would be eliminated immediately. 

There was a thump-thump, and a great, loud cuckaw! Thump-thump-thump, clacked the serpent birds three taloned feet. Each claw rattled as it cracked the ground. The bird turned once and sniffed. Its claws clack-click-clocked. It pecked the eggs around me, lightly, and then pecked my egg, a little harder. I held the lid shut. It pecked again. One of the other eggs stirred and tweeted, a deep sibilant hiss. It sounded like someone spitting through a trombone. Then the serpent-bird hissed and hissed again, softly, and it moved in a circle. It went thump, and the winds went silent.

I was being sat on by a serpent bird. I had won the Silent Game.

I was also trapped, but I had a plan.

I was going to come up with a plan, and then escape, taking the feathers with me. That was the plan. I shook a fist and moved on to step two, coming up with a plan.

That step was a little harder.


	15. The Closet Dragon, pt 2

Part 2

The first rule of the Silent Game is everyone be quiet. 

The second rule of the Silent Game is no one ever wins. The game is played to the first loser, and sometimes Dad tries to make us play a second game, but we never do. The serpent bird had made a lot of noise nesting, so it had lost the game, even if the wind hadn’t lost already. The game was over. I could talk, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Even if I did say something, I’m not sure the bird would listen. It would probably just eat me, and that didn’t sound very nice at all. 

I sat and thought.

Something banged, and the metal floor shook. 

The bird clucked angrily, and its beak slammed the floor making the whole nest ring. I shook in the empty egg. It bang-banged again, louder, and the bird got up. There was a shuffling above; some great body moved. I peaked out of the lid.

The serpent bird was staring down three ugly trolls, and a fourth was trapped under one big bird-claw. They looked surprised and dirty, but no one looked as surprised as the trapped troll. He was yelling at the bird.

“How did you do that? I’m too fast to be caught by a big, stupid bird!” yelled the caught troll. It was Titus, a foul and sneaky troll that had made a deal with me and tried to eat me later. His hat had a long pointy part where he fidgeted with a hole in the fabric, and when he wore it he looked like an ugly unicorn. Now he looked like bird-food.

The serpent bird raised one eyebrow at him but did not reply. It was really big. It was as big as a dragon. Not the Great Dragon of the reverse house down below, but easily bigger than RDC. It was long and lean with big poofy feathers. Its wings were bunched up on the bird’s back like it had a backpack. The body of the bird looked like a snake and the head of the snake looked like a bird, complete with a hooked beak and sharp eyes. It even had a rattle on the end of its tail, but its rattle was made of hard metal feathers. The serpent bird stared at the trolls.

“Listen up, birdo,” said Temorra, who was not having any of this. “You can eat Titus, but we want the baby.” She was a big troll with way too many teeth. They poked out of her mouth like grass around a recently-moved rock. 

“No, he can’t!” yelled Titus.

The bird pecked Titus and missing, hitting the iron ground hard enough to make the whole room go bong! Titus wiggled hard, trying to slide towards his feet under the bird’s claw. The bird looked up at Temorra and glared.

I crept out of the metal egg and stole across the floor, sneaking directly behind the serpent bird. 

“Titus, stop arguing and let the bird eat you,” snapped Temorra.

“Um,” said Titus.

“And give us the babies!” yelled Chiron. He leaned around Temorra to yell at the bird.

The serpent bird didn’t chirp, but it hissed. It hissed a deep, dry sound. The trolls had made a critical error leaving the long stairway to get into the bird nest, and the serpent bird began extending its head. First Temorra stood firm, but she was tiny compared to the great beast, not even as tall as its beak. The serpent bird loomed over her, and finally she backed up. The other trolls retreated behind her. Once she was backpedaling, though, she couldn’t stop, and the long snake-neck of the terrifying bird reached out. It chased her without ever moving its feet. Its tail began to rattle threateningly. 

“The babies?” asked Temorra, much nicer than before.

“Now?” asked Andromache.

The bird did not like that at all, and it hissed again, evil and dry.

Oh dear, I thought, and yanked two feathers out of its tail!

The bird screamed like a thousand angry bees and whirled on me! It spun around so fast it whipped all three standing trolls with its tail and knocked them over so they bounced into a wall. Even Titus, the trapped one, was knocked away. The serpent bird didn’t care, and it snapped at me with its great beak. But I was already running, and before the bird could snatch me up, I jumped down the dark staircase and fled.

Oh, it was bad. The stairs were rusty and sharp, and the tail feathers were big and heavy. I could barely climb with them in my hands, and if the stairs hadn’t been so crooked, I would have fallen to my doom. But the stairs were so crooked whenever I fell, I fell against a wall or another stair, and caught myself. I scrambled down until I came to a flat spot in the stairs, and scrambled sideways. The trolls were coming behind me, but they didn’t go fast because they kept stopping to fight.

“Oh, great dragon!” I called. “Who’s really big!” Dragons liked that. “I have the two feathers of the serpent bird tail to prove I’m super sneaky, and so you have to tell me your name!”

There was a moment of silence, and then from the shadows of the tunnel right next to me whispered soft-dragon words. “Show me.”

I rattled the feathers at him! Served him right. He had snuck up on me, and I’m supposed to be the sneaky one!

“Excellent,” whispered the dragon in the shadows. His one claws reached out and took the feathers. “But first you must come with me.”

He slithered and I followed, and we clambered over hidden pipes and lurking gaps. He moved through side passages quickly, little more than a paler shadow in the deep gloom, and the only way I could follow him was the rattle of the feathers. Soon we emerged in a square room.

I knew this room! This was the place I’d rescued Calvin from the trolls before, and there he was! Helen and Hector were here too, and they all jumped up when we appeared. The three of them ran over and jumped on me, and slapped me on the shoulders and head.

“You’re not dead!” yelled Hector.

“Yeah, we thought you’d been eaten by trolls!” agreed Calvin.

“No, I was too sneaky!” I yelled back, but I was excited. The brothers were happy to see me, and “The dragon said he would tell me his name if I got him two feathers, and I did!”

“Oh, good job,” said Calvin, and Hector nodded. He jumped up and down.

“All right, dragon. I did my side of the bargain. Now what’s your name??” I asked, and the brothers and Helen stood beside me.

“Oh, but human child, dragons have many names. I am Rage, Despair, and Chaos, but also Feather Owner and Closet Master.” The dragon grinned evilly. He slithered up a high wall, so he could look down at us, and even though he was answering my question, I looked nervously around. 

Hector and Calvin were listening with their mouths open, caught by the dragon. They didn’t even blink. Helen was listening too, but she had a weird smile on her face. When she noticed me looking at her, she winked.

“I am Fire Breather and Mountain Climber. I am the High, the Cunning, and the Lean. And do you know what you are?” asked the dragon.

“Kids?” I asked.

“Troll bait!” yelled the dragon, and trolls jumped out of the darkness! “It was all trap!”

“We have you now!” yelled Titus, who was really angry. His hat had two extra holes, and he looked like a rhinoceros with floppy ears. 

“We outsmarted you,” gloated Andromache as well. 

They were standing by the two exits, and there was no way out. Hector gasped, and Calvin lifted up his fists while I yelled at the dragon.

“That’s cheating!”

“I’m a dragon!” hissed the dragon.

“A mean one!” I snapped back, but it was Helen who spoke softly.

“You stupid trolls, we obviously expected this,” Helen said, rolling her eyes.

The trolls did not reply at once, and they looked at each other nervously. Finally Temorra spoke. “Well, you didn’t expect it enough not to get caught!” she snapped.

“Do you really think that?” asked Helen. She was the essence of cool. 

The trolls looked at each other, the dark room, the dragon, and us. 

“Yeah, we kinda do,” said Andromache. 

I had to nod. We seemed pretty trapped. This was easily number one hundred and forty seven or higher on the list.

“And that is why you are fools,” replied Helen. She smirked. “Because guess what?”

“You’re restating your earnings?” suggested Titus.

“It’s material?” asked Chiron.

“You smell like feet?” asked Andromache.

“No, you silly trolls. We brought a dog! Rufus! Get ‘em!”

And charging out of the darkness came Rufus!

“Dog!” screamed the trolls, and they fled. The dragon was already high and gone. Rufus ran barking at the trolls, and they scattered, each one pushing the others over to run for safety alone. Rufus charged and bit, and soon all the trolls had fled, shouting and punching, and sometimes biting each other more than Rufus!

“Oh, good thinking!” said Hector.

“Thank you,” said Helen.

“Can we run away now?” I asked.

“Oh yes,” said Helen. 

And we ran.


	16. The Favorite

We approached the parents in the family room, four of us in a line. They were talking about groceries when we ambushed them. Mom and Dad looked confused, and Helen stepped forward to speak.

"Mom. Dad. Who's your favorite kid?" she asked.

Dad blinked. Mom moved fast, crouching down to face Helen.

"Helen, we don't have a favorite. We love all of you equally."

"Yes, but who's your favorite?" Helen repeated.

"Sweetie, we don't have a favorite. We love all of you the same," repeated Mom.

"But if you had to pick!" insisted Helen.

"Rufus!" yelled Dad before Mom could say anything.

"What!?" shrieked Helen.

Dad edged around Mom. "Baby, I'm going to level with you. You're not furry." He got down on a knee so their heads were together. Now all three of them were about the same height. 

"What!?" yelped Helen again.

"Rufus has some hair on him. You: one patch of hair, no fur. You're insufficiently furry," added Dad.

Mom gave Dad Calvin-face.

"Insufficiently furry!?" shrieked Helen.

"He's fluffier too. Rufus, come here!" called Dad. 

The dog charged in, panting and smiling, looking for someone to say 'walk.'

"Oh, you see that?" whispered Dad conspiratorially. "He's even got more legs."

"That is not my fault!" declared Helen as Mom shoved Dad out of the way.

"Helen," said Mom around an angry smile. "We love all of you the same. We don't have a favorite."

"Except for Rufus," threw in Dad. "He's got a tail!"

"Oh!" Helen gasped and scrunched her face up tight. "Oh, you make me so mad!" She stomped up the Big Stairs.

Mom gave Dad an inscrutable look and ran after Helen.

Dad grinned at her and looked back at the three of us, unsurely standing in a line.

"Kids, when you grow up, you'll learn that marriage is a sacred bond where you find that one special someone you want to irritate for the rest of your lives," he explained, again smirking up the stairs.

"I see," I said, but I did not.

Hector moved out of line to nervously pull Dad's sleeve. When he looked down, Hector asked, "You don't really like the dog more than us, do you?"

Dad was giggling to himself when he looked down at Hector. My brother was concerned, and his eyebrows were pulled low and together. His nose formed a little bump below them. He frowned worriedly at Dad, who stared at him as if seeing him for the first time. The smirk slid off Dad's face slowly and revealed aching sadness. He stared at Hector lost.

"No, Hector. No. You're my kids, and I love all of you more than anything. You, you-" he poked me in the belly. "You-" he took Calvin's arm. Calvin had been looking down, and Dad jiggled his arm until my brother looked up at him with a hint of a smile. "And Helen. More than anything, including the dog."

"Okay," said Calvin, smiling shyly. 

"So if you had to pick, just between the three of us," added Hector. "Who's your favorite?"

Dad stared at him for a while with another look I could not scrute. "Rufus," he said firmly and took the dog for a walk.

Silence followed. 

"Something doesn't add up," said Hector suspiciously.


	17. Tactical Error part 1

Part 1

Oh, this was bad. This was bad. Sometimes this wasn’t as bad as the Punishment, but sometimes it was worse! During the Punishment Dad had told me how disappointed he was. He said he had expected better, and I went to bed scared I’d never be a good kid again. That made me feel worse than anything.

On the other hand, Dad wouldn’t eat me.

We were doomed. We were trapped by dragons AND trolls AND the Pit of Despair, and our doom was certain. The dragons said so. I don’t trust dragons much, but they seemed pretty sure about this one. From where I hung by my thumbs, it seemed like certain doom to me. 

This is what happened. 

We had finished dinner and I had to clean the table. Helen did the dishes. Hector didn’t have to do anything because he helped Mom cook. It was Calvin’s turn to sit because he had set the table. 

Calvin asked Mom, “What’s for dessert?”

Mom was supervising Helen with the dishes, and she looked up like she didn’t know. She glanced at Dad.

“I don’t think we have anything, Sport,” said Dad. “Sorry.”

“Bummer,” said Calvin, and he moped.

“Besides, you don’t get dessert anyway. We’re going to have a talk about personal responsibility.”

“Why?” demanded Calvin.

“Because you punched your sister,” said Dad.

“She started it!”

“She did,” agreed Mom. Mom was in the kitchen, but she leaned around the door frame to see into the dining room. “And she’s in trouble for it. She and I talked about picking on you all day.”

In the kitchen Helen grimaced but pretended she didn’t hear.

“So why am I in trouble?” asked Calvin.

“Because you punched your sister. You are not allowed to punch her, even if she teases you,” said Dad.

“But she started it!” declared Calvin.

“Don’t punch your sister,” said Dad.

“I’m not allowed to punch anybody!” yelled Calvin at Dad.

I stopped clearing the table. Helen leaned in to watch.

“No, Calvin. No, you’re not!” said Mom, and she didn’t really yell, but she sorta did.

“FINE!” yelled Calvin, and he definitely yelled. Calvin stomped up the High Stairs to his room.

Mom’s eyes went flat. She strode after him blank-faced and took the stairs two-at-a-time. 

Dad winced. He stood perfectly still for a long time with his eyes scrunched up tight. His face turned red. Finally he turned white again, and he opened his eyes to frown at us. All three of us kids were staring at him.

“Kids, your brother Calvin just made what we call a tactical error.”

No one moved.

“Is Calvin going to die?” asked Helen.

“Oh, no, Sweetie. No. But he is really going to hear about personal responsibility for this one.” Dad thought for a moment, and said, “I think I’d better get up there,” to himself. He told us if we finished the dishes we could play until bedtime before hustling up the High Stairs after Mom and Calvin. 

I didn’t know what to do, so I finished clearing the dishes. Helen washed the dishes. Hector looked like he wanted to help, but he didn’t have to so he wouldn’t. He was bored. He sat on a chair and kicked his legs, not doing anything. 

When we were done, I asked, “What do we want to play?”

“I have a game,” offered Hector.

“Your games have too much doom in them,” said Helen.

Hector thought about that. “Yeah.”

“No doom. Besides, I have a game. We’re going to play explorers,” said Helen, and Hector and I thought this was okay.

The streetlights had just come on, but a thick mist had followed night in. Outside was darker than it should be. We were allowed to play in the back yard when it was dark but not go beyond the gate. Hector pulled the blinds back and left them open so the parents would know where we were, and the three of us explored into the gloom.

“Hector, do you want to be Magellan again?” I asked.

He did. I wanted to be Calamity Jane, and Helen was herself. 

Hector argued that Helen couldn’t play herself, “because then you’re not playing explorers, you’re playing exploring, and that’s a different game!”

“I can play what I want!” yelled Helen.

“Fine! Then I’m playing Hector!”

“You can’t play Hector! You already said you were Magellan!”

I went sneaking.

The whole yard was square with the house in the middle of it. Walking out the Sliding Glass Door would put you a little to the right of the center of the back yard on the patio, a concrete island in the top of a little hill of grass. To the left was the swing set which the Family Room windows looked out on, and a little past that was the Tree Fort Tree. That was past the tall part of the house, and the den window and the parents’ bathroom window looked out at it. The furthest side of the house on the left had the chimney. 

The left was the fun side of the yard. On the other side grew the privacy trees, a line of staggered pines that didn’t grow neat or friendly. They were coarse, wild trees between us and the wooden fence the Wallaces had. The right was a thin, sloped side of the back yard, and the ground fell away hard. The trees made sure there was no room for running, and there were no windows on the house, just the block of the garage that came almost to the fence. A long time ago Mom had tried to grow roses, but they all died. Now the side of the garage was covered in dead thorns. 

I slunk off the patio and down the steep grass, into the trees before the hill stopped. The first tree had no branches below waist high, so I could climb under it and feel how the trunk came out of ground crooked and straightened up. The ground was soft with old needles, but the tree was prickly. Its bark was scratchy and hard. Under here the house lights were dim and directionless. I cast no shadows, but could see the pines as silhouettes against a milky sky. I spied out, decided on my next tree, and crept down to it. I made less noise than a ghost. 

One by one I went from tree to tree, down the hill, until I was deep in the pitted ravine between the house and the fence. Now the pines grew thicker and the space between the lowest branch and the ground was taller than I was. Here the grass was never mowed, and clumps of pipe needles made mounds in the lawn. The mist grew thicker. I listened carefully to see if my fighting siblings were done yet and wanted to come play, but I didn’t hear a sister and a brother. I heard trolls and and a dragon. 

“If we join forces,” said Temora, the second evilest but maybe smartest of the trolls. “We can eat all the children we want, now, before they get bigger and stringier. The longer we let the kids grow, the worst they’ll taste.”

“This is true,” rumbled the deep, evil voice of the Treacherous Dragon. “But why would I help you, and not eat all the kids myself?”

I had been thinking about this dragon. He deserved to be called Closet Dragon, and I hoped it made him mad, but I didn’t want to be the person who called others bad names, even if they deserved it. That meant I was going to have to be nicer than a dragon, which was alright. I was supposed to be nicer than a dragon! Still, I needed to call him something, and all the names he gave himself were probably things he wanted said about him. I shouldn’t be mean, but I didn’t have to be a flatterer. He was an evil and treacherous dragon, so that’s what I called him.

“Because you can’t!” snapped Temora. 

“They’re crafty,” said Titus. I couldn’t see Titus, but I bet he was still wearing his hat with the holes.

“They’re wily,” said Andromache. She was the one with too many teeth.

“They have a dog,” said Chiron. He had a long purple vest and big boots. His vest and boots were chewed up, because Rufus kept biting him. 

The trolls shuddered.

“I care nothing for their craft, wiles, or dogs,” said the Treacherous Dragon, hissing scorn.

“Then why haven’t you eaten any of them?” demanded Temorra, and the terrible hissing stopped.

The trees were silent and dangerous. The dragon wanted to be smart, and he’d always tried to be the craftiest dragon of them all. Now he didn’t have anything to say. Even in his silence, he sounded mad.

“Exactly,” said Temorra. “And we’d rather eat two children than none, even if we want all four. Now, do we have a deal?”

The Treacherous Dragon didn’t want to do it. He grumbled in angry dragonish, which sounds sort of like the garbage disposal getting stuck. “Fine. What is your plan?”

“Down this hill is the Pit of Despair. It leads to the Iron Corridors, which go to the tunnels under the house. Right now, Calvin is being sent to bed, and for once, he’s alone. All four children are tricky when they’re together, but if we sneak in and grab him, there’s nothing he can do,” said Temorra sounding crafty and sly.

“That is a good point,” said the dragon. “What do you need me to do?”

“You have to open the manhole cover and go in front down the Iron Corridors. The corridors are full of sharks, and if we go alone, they’ll eat us before we can eat the kids!”

“All right,” said the dragon. “Let’s go.”

I didn’t move for a long time, but there was no more noise. Finally I crept off through the trees and found the space they had been. Trolls leave muddy footprints, even on grass, and the dragon smelled like drain cleaner. The spot was warm, but no one was here.

In the very lowest part of the yard, at the back where the two fences came together, was a little square of cement like a mini-patio. It had a cave-mouth on one side and a round iron door without a handle. Only two little holes allowed adults to open it. There was no way the trolls could pry it up, but the Treacherous Dragon had long, thin fingers. Sometimes we heard water down there. Around the concrete pad the grass was long, thick, and the ground always wet. It was easy to fall in, and impossible to get out without help. It was called the Pit of Despair, and it was right on the other side of a tree from me. 

By now the Iliumites had come down. They weren’t speaking to each other. 

“Bad news,” I said. “The trolls and the Treacherous Dragon have formed an alliance, and they’re going to eat Calvin.”

“Ooh.” Hector grimaced.

“He deserves it,” said Helen.

We looked at her.

“I don’t think I should get in trouble for getting punched!” yelled Helen.

“I think anyone who picks on other people should get in trouble, but I’m not saying who!” declared Hector. 

“You got in trouble for picking on him. He’s in trouble for punching right now!” I added.

“He punched me, and I got in trouble!” yelled Helen even louder.

“I don’t know about that,” I said. 

“I’m right, aren’t I?” demanded Helen.

Hector and I hemmed. “Sort of,” he said. Hector was talking to her again. Hector was not so good at ignoring people. 

“Can we not yell about this?” I asked in my quietest non-whisper. I was beginning to worry about the trees that rose dangerously in the mist. Water rushed through the Iron Corridor below, and the Treacherous Dragon and the trolls had just gone that way. They liked to lurk.

“I got punched, and I got in trouble for it!” yelled Helen, who was not listening to me.

“But you’re both in trouble,” said Hector.

“But I shouldn’t be in trouble for getting punched!”

“But that’s not all of what happened!”

There was a lot of yelling down here. The ground was low and slimy. The grass was thick, and it refused to let the dirt settle into mud. But it was also slippery, and we were far below the rest of the yard. The Wallaces’s fence was tall, and went into the ground everywhere except the concrete pad above the Iron Corridor. There there was a little gap. I saw movement above the fence.

“That’s why you have scurvy!” yelled Helen.

“Guys, we have to be quiet,” I hissed.

“You won’t even circumnavigate!” yelled Hector.

“You two are fighting like trolls,” I said in a low hiss. “And the sharks are coming.”

That shut them up, and they looked at me. I pointed.

Over the high fence to the Wallaces’s, a lone dorsal fin rushed past. It was silent as the grave. 

“They hunt by blood in the water and shouting in the mist,” I whispered. “We should go. Now.”

The Iliumites looked at each other and made faces. But Hector said “Okay,” and Helen nodded. We started sneaking up the hillside to the house, passing dark trees. 

Ahead of us, a big silhouette passed between the trees and the distant square of light that was the Sliding Glass Door. It was long, like a fish, but wide. Its mouth was open. We huddled under a tree, where the branches came almost to the ground.

Those trolls hadn’t bothered to close the metal door to the Iron Corridor behind them. Now the sharks were out and in the trees. I was sure of it. But I knew how to evade the sharks, and the Iliumites were following me silently. We just had to be Extra Sneaky.

It wasn’t tricky, but it was hard. Going slow and never making noise wasn’t like math. Being sneaky, you always know if you’re doing it right or not. But you have to be very careful, and every motion requires thought. Above all, it requires no yelling.

Actually, it requires no yelling under all, because if you’re sneaky enough, the sharks will swim right overhead, which is actually kind of cool, because you see them from the bottom and they have white bellies, and they swim very quietly. Their tails have fins, and they shake their whole body, kind of like Rufus, but not as much. He shakes his whole body so much he falls over. Sharks don’t do that. Which is good when they’re swimming over head. We wouldn’t want a shark to fall on us.

But they didn’t. We emerged from the trees, and the last shark was behind us. Our trio marched to the patio, and the Sliding Glass Door.

Mom was there. “Hey, kiddos. It’s getting dark early out here. Why don’t you play inside?” she suggested. 

“Mom, if Rufus had fins, would he fall over more or less when he shakes his tail?” asked Helen.

That’s amazing! We hadn’t even discussed it!

Mom blinked several times. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Inside.”

And we trooped in.


	18. Tactical Error part 2

Part 2

Down the Littler Stairs in the Living Room Dad was waiting, and he watched us come in. All he said was, “Take off your shoes.” Mom walked down the stairs, and they looked at each other before turning and marching back towards the Den. We heard the door shut. We were not allowed downstairs at all when that door was shut, so Hector climbed up on the couch to watch TV.

“Guys, we have to go rescue Calvin!” I insisted as Helen began to pick through the books by the windows.

“But he started it,” whined Helen vaguely and kept looking at her books.

“He didn’t start the fight with the trolls!” I said, and Hector said, “He didn’t start it with you either! You said his face looked like a butt.”

“But he was mean first,” said Helen.

“No, he wasn’t! You said his face looked like a butt!”

Helen wouldn’t do anything, and Hector wanted to argue. Neither of them was any help.

I reached down, grabbed my pants, and pulled them up. The wet cuffs were brushing my feet, and they itched. Then I marched upstairs.

With no one around I went on all fours to the top of the High Stairs and peeked over the landing. The upstairs was still under a thick dark. It looked like it spilled everywhere. The bathroom door was open, but darkness flowed in and out, and the parent’s door was a thin black line next to a field of gray. I crawled past my room to the Boys’ room. The door was shut. I listened and didn’t hear any punching.

I pushed the door open and looked in.

The Boys’ room was a mess. They never cleaned in here. Clothes made piles on the floor, and Hector’s bike was partially in the closet. Why did he do that? It had hats on the handlebars. There were papers on the ground, and hanging cornices of books dangling over the top bunk. There was a pot in the window sill with no plant. Some of the blinds had come out of the strings on one side, hanging like Spanish moss. I didn’t see any Calvins. The space under the bed was even darker than the hallway. The dim light that made it up the High Stairs bounced between the hallway walls and in. There was no wall on the far side of under-the-bed, just nothing. 

My feet itched. I scratched them. I crept into the Boys’ room, and the door shut behind me.

I took two steps towards the bed, pausing between each one. The house grumbled. It made low squeaks and pops, house-noises in house-language that said there were too many people inside. I took another step, and I was at the foot of the bed. The darkness underneath was absolute. It looked deep, like ocean water from a small boat. Dad had taken me on a boat once. It was fun, but I wouldn’t do it without him. I peeked under the bed.

There was a troll under there.

“Hello, child,” whispered Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness. His voice was full of malice. I was so scared I gasped, and his long troll fingers snatched me!

“Noo!” I yelled, and I bit him!

He tasted like the inside of shoes smell. His skin was leathery with little hairs that stuck out. He had bits of dirt stuck in the wrinkles of his arm, and they were coarse. His whole body was nasty. Aurelius said nothing. Once he grabbed me he yanked me down into the deep underground, and hauled me into a dark room full of pipes and rusty nails. There were spiderwebs on the walls but no spiders, and a big pot full of cooking spiders in the middle of the room.

Aurelius carried me to the pot and held me up. I was still biting him, and he fought to get me loose. He couldn’t put me in the pot as long as my teeth were in his arm. Finally he yanked his arm away, and I fell, hitting the cold metal ground. I ran from the pot of spiders and the evil troll. He snarled and clutched his arm, holding tight. I backed up almost to the wall and stared at him. The biggest and evilest troll snarled at me, hurt and mad, and he advanced.

“I’m going to eat you, and then I’m going to eat all your brothers and sister, and there’s nothing you can do about it!” growled Aurelius in his terrible voice.

“AH!” I screamed, and then added, “But they already got Calvin. Don’t eat me!”

“I’m going to eat you! Who has Calvin? You’re going to get et!”

“I don’t want to be et! The trolls have Calvin.”

“I’m a troll, and I don’t have Calvin.”

“Don’t eat me!” I yelled.

“I’m going to eat you! I’m going to eat all of you!” yelled Aurelius.

“But you can’t. The trolls already have Calvin,” I said.

“I’m a troll, and I don’t have Calvin,” repeated Aurelius.

“Yeah, I know,” I snapped. Trolls just don’t listen when you try to explain things. “The OTHER trolls. They have Calvin. So you can’t very well eat me first, if he’s already been eaten.”

“No, they don’t!” yelled Aurelius. “I get to eat the first kid! It’s in the rules!”

“Well, they made a deal with the Treacherous Dragon!” I snorted. “He’s the Treacherous Dragon! Not obeying rules is what he does!”

Aurelius glared at me. “What are you talking about?” he demanded.

“The OTHER trolls have a deal with the Treacherous Dragon to eat us kids, and they’ve got Calvin!” I explained. I thought I had made this clear. “So you can’t very well eat all of us. At worst, you can eat me, one sister, and one brother, and that’s if they don’t snatch anyone else. Realistically, you’ll probably get one other kid at best, and then you’ll have to eat the other trolls, and they taste like hairballs.”

Aurelius squinted his yellow eye and opened wide his blue eye, and glared at me. “Are you saying they betrayed our deal?”

“Ah, they made a deal with the Treacherous Dragon,” I said, doing my best Helen-thinks-you’re-stupid-impression.

“I am not stupid,” snapped Aurelius.

I looked at him like Helen looked at me. 

“You shut your face!” he snapped again, and then, quick as bad-luck, snatched me up! “We’re going to find the other trolls. And if they have Calvin, I’m going to take him and eat him! And if they don’t, I’m going to eat you!”

“You were going to do that anyway.” 

“Yeah, but I’ll be mean about it.”

“That just doesn’t make any sense,” I told him. Aurelius growled at me. I bit him.

 

Aurelius knew darkness like I knew my house and ran down the side pathways, taking shortcuts and tunnels without ever looking. He jumped across tall pillars that rose from a frothy sea underneath the lowest space below the garage, and climbed through the metal hallways that laced our walls. He knew everything everywhere, so long as it was dark and creepy. I kept biting him, and he yelled. He told me to stop, and I didn’t. When a troll snatches you, you’re allowed to bite him. It’s in the rules!

In the bores of the house, deeper than I had ever been, and deeper than I knew we could go, Aurelius stopped running when he came to a cement hallway that was unlike the metal corridors of before. This one was round with coarse iron parts. They rusted over so the wall was rough and bleeding. Aurelius paused at a corner and watched the darkness for a long time. His eyes narrowed evilly. I couldn’t ask him what he was doing, because I was biting him, and I think it distracted Aurelius just enough. Instead of lurking, he turned to yell at me, and I know how to ignore being yelled at. I bit him again. He snarled, and I think the troll was about to bite me when someone else yelled, “Who’s there!?” from the darkness.

Aurelius froze. He couldn’t yell back if he was biting me, and trolls did like their yelling. The big troll kept a hold on me and jumped around the corner shouting, “It’s me! Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness!”

On the other side of the corner the other trolls froze. All four of them, Temorra, Chiron, Titus, and Andromache were gathered around a cook pot, and Titus and Chiron were trying to throw Calvin in! He was biting Andromache, who was trying to brush him off, but Calvin’s teeth were too strong. The Treacherous Dragon was lurking in the shadows behind them, and his eyes were red slits. It had been Temorra who yelled, and she paled to see Aurelius.

“You!” Temorra, the head troll gasped. She was cunning and mean.

“You!” snarled Aurelius, who was the evilest of all trolls.

“Calvin!” I yelled. 

“Mara! Good biting!” yelled Calvin.

“Thanks!”

“More trolls!” snarled the Treacherous Dragon greedily, and he sounded mad. I bet he was angry he would have to share the children Aurelius too.

“Dragon!” snarled Aurelius, glaring at the untrustworthy wyrm.

No one else said anything, but Andromache dropped Calvin when he stopped biting her. Calvin ran, but Titus grabbed him. Oddly, Calvin didn’t fight back.

“You’re eating a child!” Aurelius accused Temorra. “I have the right of first bite!”

“You’re eating a child too!” argued Temorra.

“I’m supposed to!”

“Well, so are we.” She folded her arms across her stomach and shook her big head. She had little horns like a goat, and they wagged in the air.

“But I get first bite!” demanded Aurelius.

“I get first bite,” demanded the Treacherous Dragon, who was actually a lot bigger than Aurelius. He had long fingers too, and a face like a snake. “At least of this one.”

“No, you don’t! I get first bite of all children!” demanded Aurelius.

“That’s just unreasonable,” hissed the Treacherous Dragon.

The trolls had a children-pen in the corner of the concrete tunnel, and Titus and Chiron stuffed Calvin in it. Andromache was holding her arm tenderly. Aurelius stormed down the tunnel to yell at the others, and when he came close, he threw me in the pen with Calvin! I hit the ground with a hard thud. Calvin helped me up, but before we could do anything, Titus and Chiron snatched us and tied us to the wall by our thumbs. Then five trolls and one dragon met around the cook fire to yell at each other.

Trolls yell with a lot of spitting. They smell like hairballs, and I have to tell you, from biting Aurelius, they don’t taste better.

“Calvin, we need to escape,” I whispered to him. “As soon as they get back here, wait until one of your hands is free, and then punch them!”

“No,” refused Calvin. “I’m not allowed to punch anybody, so I’m not punching anyone, even if we get eaten by trolls!”

I stared at him. “Calvin, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m learning my lesson!” yelled Calvin. “If I get in trouble for punching, let the trolls eat me so I die!”

“I think you’re learning the wrong lesson.”

“Sssh!” yelled the trolls, as if they weren’t yelling at each other too!

“Calvin, you have to fight back if you’re snatched by trolls. You were biting them!” I whispered.

“You’re allowed to bite someone if he snatches you. It’s in the rules!” hissed Calvin.

“Well, yes,” I said. “Fine! No punching.” This was a good rule but markedly inconvenient right now. “We need to escape though, so we need a plan.”

And I started scheming while Calvin pouted because he wasn’t allowed to punch anybody.

 

The chamber was dark and long. Three long tunnels came together like an asterisk, and they had metal grates that marked the edges of the room. Beyond those grates the concrete tunnels went off into gloomy obscurity. They had bends but no curves. Each one was perfectly straight until wham! Then they turned straight up or straight down, sometimes to the sides, and it looked like the hallway ended in a wall. Some were lit by little blocks of street-light light, and I realized they were storm drains. We were under the sewer grates, and the long, flat cuts of light fell on slow moving water and gunk. Some had no light at all, but many glow bugs. The bugs flew around until bonking into each other and landing looking very confused.

That meant this was an iron corridor, but not necessarily the Iron Corridor underneath the Pit of Despair. 

Other than the concrete tunnels of the storm drain, there were little tunnels that opened in the ceiling. Aurelius had carried me down one of these, and it had a clever metal door he had opened while I was biting him. I hadn’t seen how he did it because I was biting him, but I regret nothing! One of those tunnels went to the house, but I couldn’t see it. It was around a corner. I knew which corner it was, because that storm-drain-tunnel had a metal grate like the rest, but it was open. Aurelius had not shut it behind him when he had come in, because he had been yelling at the other trolls. 

In the room they had a big cook pot. It didn’t have any spiders in the dirty water, but it did have chunks of rock and a stick. The children-pen was made of metal, and it went from the floor to the round ceiling. It was big enough for Calvin and I, and probably Helen and Hector too. It had a bolt on the outside, with some metal on the bars so I couldn’t reach through. It was a good trap.

If I was going to escape, it would be because the trolls and dragon were yelling at each other and not doing their job. They could have just eaten us, but they wouldn’t, because then they would have to stop yelling. 

“All right, that’s it,” said Aurelius, who had been yelling the most and loudest. “I’m taking first bite of both children, and you’re going to let me. If you don’t, I’ll make sure all of you eat nothing but rocks and knuckle sandwiches until you have no teeth! That’s the way we do it in the City of Screams!”

The three lesser trolls, Chiron, Andromache, and Titus, shuddered. They looked down and moped, and Andromache’s teeth wilted. 

She sighed. “I just wanted to eat some children.”

“No first bite!” yelled Aurelius.

“Fine!” yelled Temorra, who was seething in discontent. “I don’t like it, and I don’t like you, but that was the deal. You get first bite. But we get the next bites!”

“Well, fine,” said Aurelius, who looked unhappy too. He looked around at the other trolls. “We’ll probably only get one bite each.”

“And then it’s just rocks,” said Titus.

“And sticks,” said Chiron.

“But no knuckle sandwiches,” said Andromache. 

They didn’t looked happy, but they nodded.

“I was promised first bite of that one,” said the Treacherous Dragon, pointing at Calvin. “And I want to eat him.”

“Then by ancient troll law, you can either fight me,” said Aurelius, and he narrowed his orange and blue eye. “Or flee.”

The Treacherous Dragon had a long, thin body that looped up like spaghetti, but he had little arms, legs, and a pair of short, stubby wings. His face moved a lot, like there was a lot of stuff going on under there and he had too much skin. Right now he was curled up in the middle of the room, where he had been the whole time, and his hands and feet were hidden by his coils. He looked a lot like a snake. Only his wings were out, and they rustled angrily. 

The Snatcher in Darkness moved into the shadows. He didn’t look like he was retreating, but going into the dark. His snatching fingers started to twitch.

“By troll law, we have to agree with him,” said Temorra.

“And there’s only one of you,” said Titus.

“We made sure we only dealt with one dragon,” said Chiron.

“So you can’t fight all of us,” agreed Andromache.

“And if you try, I will snatch you into the darkness!” hissed Aurelius. He wore the shadows like a coat, and his eyes burned evilly over the jagged line of his sharp teeth.

“You’re only saying that because troll law means you win!” hissed the Treacherous Dragon.

The trolls were silent for a moment. 

“Duh,” said Temorra, and she sounded just like Helen too!

“I don’t follow troll law. I follow dragon law, and dragon law says if you can’t win, you need more dragons!” yelled the Treacherous Dragon, and for the first time, I saw what he was doing.

He had been curled up on a round metal door in the center of the floor, hiding it with his body. It looked like the manhole cover over the Pit of Despair, but it was rusted even tighter than that one. The Treacherous Dragon had just been arguing as he tried to get his fingers in it, and now, he yanked the dragonhole cover open! 

There were dragons hiding in the ground, and they ran out, going everywhere!

The trolls screamed, and they wailed, and they ran! Dragons chased them, biting and slashing, and the Treacherous Dragon sat in the middle of the room laughing. His chuckles curled and slithered through the thick underground air, landing on trolls being bitten by dragons and trolls being chased by dragons, and he laughed, laughed, and laughed. Even Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, was being attacked by dragons.

“Now, trolls, I have betrayed you better than you have betrayed me! This was my plan all along! Be afraid, little children, for now you are beset by Certain Doom!”


	19. Tactical Error part 3

Part 3

So the current situation was pretty bad.

The iron corridors had descended into chaos with dragons chasing trolls, and Calvin and I were strung up by our thumbs. We weren’t being eaten yet because we were in a children-pen. The trolls had put us here when they intended to cook us, but that had gone wrong for them. I didn’t know how to escape the pen even if I could get my thumbs free. It was looking dark.

I looked at Calvin. He was giggling.

“Why are you laughing?” I demanded.

“I like dragons,” he replied. “They’re neat.”

“The dragons are going to eat us!”

“Yeah! That’s what dragons do!” He made a pssht noise.

Brothers are useless. 

The dragons didn’t really eat the trolls, which I don’t blame them for. They pursued them and bit them out of malice, but no one wants to eat a troll. They taste like hairballs! One blue and red dragon with long horns and hooves like a goat chased Titus around the room head-butting him until the shabby troll bounced right into the grate. It rattled like a bell. Another, a fire breathing one with steam whistling out of his nose and smoke out of his ears, chased Andromache and Chiron, squirting balls of flame at them like watermelon seeds. Only Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, was doing okay. He had climbed up a wall and two wolf-toothed dragons with great shaggy manes and long wolf-ears were sitting right below him, howling their dragon song. It sounded terrible. Aurelius was holding himself up with one hand, and his other hand was poised to grab someone, anyone. I wouldn’t want to be near him.

But I was still stuck in the cage, and that wasn’t much better.

“Get them!” yelled the Treacherous Dragon, who had orchestrated the whole affair. “Make the rue the day they ever made a deal with me!”

The dragons were getting them. Temorra finally got a door open and ran out, and Titus ran after her. The goat-dragon chased him the whole way, snapping at his heels. The Treacherous Dragon preened. He approached Calvin and I, and gloated. 

“This is what you get,” he said. He was trying to purr, but he was too much like a snake. It sounded like hissing. “For calling me a Closet Dragon.”

“You deserved it!” yelled Calvin, who was really excited but liked yelling.

“I know,” I said. “I’m sorry I called you a Closet Dragon. I won’t call you that again.”

The dragon blinked. I don’t think anyone ever apologized to him again.

“What are you going to call me now?” he asked.

“The Treacherous Dragon,” I said.

There was a long silence except for the howling of wolves, and the spit of fire. 

“Why, that’s quite lovely,” said the Treacherous Dragon. “I did betray them all. It was my plan all along, you know.”

Calvin stopped giggling or yelling for a moment. “But that’s not good,” he said.

“It is for dragons.”

“Are you going to let us go?” I asked.

“No. I’m going to eat you. You’ll taste much better than trolls.”

“Bummer,” said Calvin.

“Those children are mine,” hissed Aurelius, as he lurked in his darkness. “You may preen because you betrayed the others, but they are weak. I am Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness! I am the greatest and evilest of the trolls! I came here to eat those kids, and nothing, nothing is going to stop me!”

We looked at him.

“Those wolf-dragons are taking a pretty good stab at it!” I said.

“Wrong! I’ve put this off, but if I can’t eat those children, no one can! And we are in the Iron Corridors, below the Pits of Despair! So despair!” yelled Aurelius, and he sounded mad with revenge. His hand shot into a dark hole near him, and the great troll grabbed a hidden lever.

As I said, Aurelius knew darkness like I knew my house. I don’t think anyone else even knew of that lever, but once Aurelius pulled it, no one was going to forget it.

First, the great iron grates fell open, all of them. Even further down the corridors the echoes of clanking iron banging into the walls came lumbering along. The echoes themselves bounced, ringing from wall to wall and coming in distant, frightening waves. For a moment afterwards, the halls were very quiet, and even the dragons hushed.

“Your dragons are supposed to be keeping the sharks away,” hissed Aurelius at the Treacherous Dragon. “And you know what that means?”

Secondly, the far corridors went dark, and in the ones lit by fireflies, the fireflies were beginning to go out. The bugs were landing and hiding in the cracks of the walls.

“Oh, crud,” said the Treacherous Dragon.

And third, our chains fell off. The door of the children-pen swung open slow and ominously. Anything could get in now. 

“Quick.” I grabbed Calvin. He was staring in awe. “We need to run!”

“But why?” whispered Calvin. “Why would he do that?”

“Because I don’t think the Snatcher in Darkness, even likes children. I think he just wants to be sure no one else eats us if he can’t. He’s a troll, and they’re just mean! We should run.”

“Okay,” hissed Calvin, and we ran.

We ran past the wolf dragons, who were looking between Aurelius and the Treacherous Dragon uncertainly. We ran past the Treacherous Dragon, who was trying his best to slither down the hole the other dragons had escaped from, but his wings kept getting caught up. The firebreathing dragon stopped breathing fire, and he swallowed. Now he looked green. The Snatcher in Darkness remained in his perch. He wasn’t even looking at us but laughing in shear malice. Calvin and I kept running.

“That’s right!” yelled Aurelius. “Now no one will eat them! But that’s okay with me, so long as you can’t!” His echoes chased us up the corridor, and as we went around a bend, he was gone.

The sewers were full of sharks, but sharks aren’t evil. Sharks aren’t even mean. They’re animals. They swim through the air in the round tunnels, endlessly hunting, and as soon as we got away from the trolls, we had to look sharp. Sharks hunt by listening for fighting, and Calvin and I weren’t fighting. The trolls and dragons were still fighting though, even after we were gone, and the white-bellied sharks swam past. They’re quiet and big. Calvin and I hid in corners and behind rocks every time one moved, but so long as we stayed still, they couldn’t find us. Soon we were in the true Iron Corridor, and running fast towards the Pit of Despair.

We found it, and I despaired. The manhole cover was shut and sealed tight. There was no getting out that way.

“We’re doomed.” I sighed. 

“Have you been playing with Hector?” asked Calvin.

“Yes,” I admitted. “Helen says he’s got scurvy.”

“Ouch,” said Calvin. “Well, we have to escape. What are we going to do?”

I looked at him. “We can’t. We’re doomed!”

“No, we’re not. The Treacherous Dragon said that, and he’s a liar. If we can’t escape through the Pits of Despair, we’ll go out the way I came in. Come on.”

“But, but- there are sharks!”

“Yep,” said Calvin. He grabbed my hand and started walking back towards the chamber of trolls, dragons, and Certain Doom.

“There are monsters!”

“Lots,” agreed Calvin.

“We’ll be eaten!”

Calvin stopped and looked right at me. “No, we won’t. If they want to eat us, they have to grab us. And if they grab us, they’ll have to touch us, and Mara-” Calvin narrowed his eyes. “You should never touch an unknown goat.”

I began to feel really bad for the trolls. 

Returning, the dim corridors were alive sharks. I went first, and Calvin followed. Neither of us talked, and we kept our eyes open. Sharks swam up and down the sewers, sometimes sticking to the water, but sometimes they swam through the thick mist above. Their flappy tails threw foam into whirlwinds that splashed against the concrete walls. They were looking for prey and moving towards the room with the fighting. 

When we were nearly there, we paused. Up ahead was the bend, around which Aurelius had jumped before. Calvin crouched down and listened. We could hear some fighting. I think the trolls had locked the doors between them and the sharks, and they were cooped up with the dragons. Calvin’s eyes were very cold. I looked away, anywhere but towards the scary room, and realized something.

“He opened all the doors,” I said.

“Who?” asked Calvin.

“Aurelius. He opened all the doors to let the sharks in.”

“Yeah,” said Calvin. He looked at me. I looked up.

“Even the doors we came in through,” I said, pointing. In the ceiling was a narrow metal hatch, mostly hidden by rust and old slime. It was rectangular and long, and hung down by the wall. It looked just like a ladder.

“Oh,” said Calvin.

“We could go exploring,” I said.

My brother looked at me and back at the bend towards the troll fight. “Okay,” he agreed, and we climbed the dark hatch into the secret spaces.

 

When we escaped I fell asleep in the stuff on Calvin’s floor, underneath a pile of clothes he never put away, and some papers Hector needed for school. Dad came in grumbling. He wanted everyone to go to bed, but I was already asleep. He picked me up and grumbled at me. Dad’s a good grumbler. He has deep, rumbling grumbles that I can feel in my chest. He put me to bed and fussed at me. I tried to stay asleep, but I kept giggling as Dad growled, and then he fussed even more, beeping my nose. I hid under blankets. 

“Go to sleep, squirt. Sleep tight.”

I was technically already asleep, so I didn’t say anything. 

Dad crouched down to talk to Helen, who had come in while he was distracted. “Come here, sweetie,” he said, intercepting her as she climbed the ladder to the top bunk. I opened one eye. Mom stood in the doorway, watching, and Dad put Helen on his knee so he could talk to her. She was too big, but she didn’t stand up. His forehead was crinkly. 

“Do you understand what happened today?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” she muttered. “I got in trouble.”

Dad inhaled to say one thing, paused, and exhaled without saying anything. Mom watched. His head turned towards her, but Mom didn’t say anything. Dad turned back to Helen.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry Calvin hit you. That was not okay.”

Helen was quiet for a long moment, and she sounded confused. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t punch anyone.”

Dad didn’t really answer.

“Helen-” Not Sweetie; Helen. Dad was being serious. “Calvin is not allowed to hit you. And you are not in trouble for that. Teasing Calvin doesn’t make him hitting you okay, but him hitting you doesn’t make teasing him okay either. You are not allowed to tease Calvin. You are not in trouble for getting punched. You were in trouble for teasing your brother. I need you two to get along.”

“But Calvin’s not in trouble!” exclaimed Helen.

“Sweetie, Calvin’s always in trouble. He’s in trouble now, and we had a talk. We’ll have another talk tomorrow. Fighting is not okay. But what he does doesn’t make teasing him okay. You don’t tease your brother.”

“Hmm,” muttered Helen. She did not sound happy.

“Do you understand?” asked Dad.

“Yeah,” said Helen, and she didn’t like it.

“Well, that’s a start,” said Dad to himself. “I love you, sweetie. Now go to sleep.”

The bed shook as Helen climbed up. She didn’t take the ladder, but stepped on my bunk and climbed up the side to hers. Dad watched with a weird expression and stepped out. Mom came in to say goodnight, and something passed between them as they passed. Then Mom said goodnight to us both, and promised to bring Rufus in once he had gone outside. 

Mom didn’t fuss like Dad did. Dad would boop your nose and bonk your head, but Mom just patted me, and when she stood up, she didn’t say anything to Helen. She stayed by the side of the bed for a long time and told us both to sleep well. Then she left and turned out the light.

Later she let Rufus in, and he slept right by the bed. Any trolls coming out would have to go by Rufus. I reached out and patted him, and he made wide, doggy smiles. Then he scratched his ears with a paw and his collar jangled before put his tail over his nose to go to sleep.

“I don’t like it,” said Helen. “I don’t like it one bit.”

“Are you mad?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. “And I don’t like that either.”

She harrumphed, and the bed shook. 

I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I said, “The trolls don’t like Rufus. They’re scared of him, so you don’t need to worry about them.”

“Oh. Good,” said Helen, and she didn’t sound as grumpy. “Good night, Mara. Good night, Rufus.”

“Good night, Helen,” I replied.

Rufus didn’t say goodnight, but he farted. Then Mom told us to stop giggling and go to sleep, or we were grounded!


	20. The Arrival of Baby Daren Act 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 of 4

The next day baby Daren came over. Mom and Dad ensconced him in their room in an old crib, and they played with him. We could come in and look until Helen and Calvin had a fight. Then they had a talk about personal responsibility, and Hector and I got out. When personal responsibility gets thrown around you had to get out before you got hit with pulling your own weight, and I tend to weigh the same as all the weeds in the front yard. 

Later Helen and Calvin came downstairs, and Helen and I made houses out of books. Hector did jumps with his cars. Calvin took Rufus out back and threw the stick until Rufus wouldn’t give it back. He lay on the warm concrete with his paws in the air. Calvin came inside and poked the house, but Helen told him to get the encyclopedias from downstairs. He bumbled off to get some books. Runtface slept on the kitchen table. 

After a while the parents came downstairs with the baby, and they looked at the Family Room from where the High Stairs emerged from the wall. Dad was in front with Mom carrying Daren. They paused for a while.

“Lot of kids,” said Dad quietly.

“Yes,” said Mom.

Dad didn’t say anything else, but Mom didn’t poke him, even though she couldn’t go down the stairs until he moved. They stood there while Helen and I joined the house roof to the couch, and Calvin added lava pits to the garage. Finally Dad nodded and descended the rest of the way, turning right and going straight down the Littler Stairs to the Living Room and the Den. Mom smiled faintly at us all as she followed him.

“I don’t know if the garage really needs lava pits,” said Helen.

“It definitely does,” interrupted Hector, who wasn’t even playing.

Helen shook her head. “Mara, what do you think?”

“They are really nice lava pits,” I said.

“What? What?! Mara, they’re lava pits. Where would you put the bikes?” demanded Helen.

“In the secret ways,” said Calvin. “Obviously whoever lives in the house would know the secret ways. That way you don’t need to hide your bike.”

“And it would be warm in the winter,” said Hector. 

“What if you accidentally ride your bike into a lava pit!?” demanded Helen.

“Oh, don’t do that,” said Hector.

“You are not allowed to put lava pits in my garage,” ordered Helen. “Either of you.” She pointed her finger at both brothers.

“Fine.” Calvin snorted. “I’m going outside to play in the sandbox.”

“Can we play Sarnath?” asked Hector.

“Yes. With the hose.”

“Oh, good,” and Hector’s eyes opened up delightedly. He jumped up from his cars and ran out, before even Calvin could get outside. 

Helen glared at Calvin, but he ignored her and walked out. 

“And how could you agree with them?” demanded Helen of me. 

“They are pretty sweet lava pits,” I replied.

“Ugh!” Helen got up and stormed out of the Family Room and through the Kitchen. I heard the garage door open and slam.

I sighed. I had been making a roof, but there was no more good in that. I went downstairs and checked the door to the Den. It was open. I knocked anyway, and the parents said I could come in.

Baby Daren was on the floor. He had a one of Dad’s shoes, and it baffled him. The shoe was taller than the baby. The parents bent over a desk doing math on an adding machine, but they paused when I entered.

“Who’s slamming doors?” asked Dad.

“Helen. She’s mad because we added lava pits to the garage.”

Dad did not immediately respond, but he squinted. Mom asked, “You added lava pits to the garage?”

“Mmm hmm.” I nodded and sat down on the floor with baby Daren.

“Where is Helen now?” asked Mom.

“The garage.”

Mom and Dad looked at each other, and in perfect unison stood up and walked out of the room. 

“Stay here and watch the baby!” they both told me, which was what I wanted to do anyway.

“Hi,” I told baby Daren.

“You,” accused Daren. He glowered at me. He looked like an old man, only with fewer wrinkles because he didn’t have much face. 

“You remember me!” I said, pleased.

“Yeah, I remember you! You’re the one who told me the trolls are going to get me!”

“Oh, yeah. That’s bad. Good news. We’ve made a deal with the trolls where they won’t snatch you.”

“You did?” asked Daren. 

“We did,” I replied. 

His frown went from angry to neutral. He still had to wiggle to stay upright, but he bounced more happily now.

“But they may try to eat you anyway,” I admitted.

Daren paused. “What?”

“Well, they’re trolls,” I explained. “They’re not as bad as dragons, but you can’t trust them.”

Baby Daren grumbled.

I felt bad, so I said, “Daren, I’ll make sure the trolls don’t snatch you. They want dragon gold, so I’ll get them some.”

“How are you going to do that?” asked Daren.

I didn’t know, but before I could answer, the parents came back in. They were talking.

“I told you there was nothing to worry about,” said Mom to Dad.

“You didn’t waste any time either,” said Dad.

“I’m being supportive,” said Mom, and she lifted her chin. 

Dad said, “Uh huh.” They looked at each other.

“I’m going outside,” I told them, and with a serious nod to baby Daren, I left him with the parents. No trolls would snatch him when they were around. Adults are way too big.

Helen was in the Family Room, putzing with the house and taking apart the lava pits, but she followed me when I explained the problem. Outside the brothers weren’t doing much of anything. Calvin poked a pine cone with a stick, and Hector sat on a rock, spinning in slow circles.

“Gentlemen,” I said. “The time is upon us. We must do something about the trolls and baby Daren.”

“But what do we do?” asked Hector.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“We must visit them with the fire of a thousand suns,” said Calvin with a clenched fist.

“Do you have a thousand suns?” I asked.

“No,” said Calvin.

“I have a plan,” said Helen. “It’s going to be scary. It will be dangerous. Calvin will probably be eaten. Are you ready?”

“Okay,” said the brothers, and we marched into the woods.

 

The drainage ditch in the woods is left as you go out the Back Gate, and we went right, towards the pond. It was dark, and the trees leaned overhead. Far away the noise of cars on the freeway rumbled, but a bleak wall of cement that stood between us and them was mostly hidden by the trees. At the pond the water was flat and green, covered by lily pads that stuck up between furry reeds. They looked like the long hairs of sleeping dragons, and dragons were what Helen had in mind.

She pointed at the Metal Cave. It was a black circle of rusty night in the bank of the pond, partially covered by cattails. It sounded like crickets, but they hushed as we approached. Everyone knew all manner of dark and nasty creatures lived down there, and even Rufus wouldn’t go in.

“Listen up,” she said. “I’ve been thinking. We’ve been dealing with lesser dragons. The Treacherous Dragon and his cohorts don’t like the trolls, but they’re lesser dragons. The trolls aren’t scared of them. We need to talk to the bigger dragons. The biggest dragon. It’s time we made a deal with the Great Dragon who gave Mara the dragon scar.”

I rubbed my arm awkwardly because I don’t like talking about it, but the others didn’t look at me. Even still I pulled my sweater down. The brothers were looking at Helen, and she stared into the cavern of rust. 

“How will we make a deal with the Great Dragon?” asked Calvin.

“And why will he keep it, instead of betraying us?” asked Hector.

“He is a dragon,” pointed out Calvin.

“Because we’re going to give him something he wants a lot of, something we can stop giving him at any time. Something terrible. Something-”

“You are not feeding me to the Great Dragon!” yelled Calvin.

“No one said that,” replied Helen, who was annoyed he interrupted her.

“Yes, you did! You said I was going to get eaten!” continued Calvin.

“I didn’t say that! I meant we’re going to talk to the Great Dragon, and sometimes they don’t talk to people. They just eat them. Since Calvin’s the bravest, he’s going to talk to the dragon, and if it goes bad, Calvin’s going to get eaten. But we don’t tell the Great Dragon he can eat Calvin. Then he would eat Calvin! Besides, that wouldn’t make any sense. He would eat you,” she said to Calvin. “-and not carry out his deal. He’s a _dragon_.”

“That is true,” I said to Calvin.

Calvin snorted. “Fine. What are we going to offer him?”

“Flattery,” announced Helen.

We were all quiet. If there’s one thing dragons like, it’s flattery. It doesn’t have to be true, and if we’re honest, it’s better if its not. Dragons don’t like to be flattered about true things because they don’t do anything that’s worth flattering. But they do like being complimented, and once you stop trying to pretend it makes any sense, you can whisper anything to a dragon and as long as it sounds good, the dragon will believe it. 

“What will we say?” asked Hector. He looked confused.

“We’ll tell him how big he is,” said Helen, and she looked at me. I nodded.

“We’ll tell him how much bigger he is than the other dragons,” she added and looked at Calvin. He stared into space, and then nodded like he didn’t want to but couldn’t disagree. 

Helen narrowed her eyes slyly. “And we tell him that baby Daren thinks he’s the biggest, meanest, dragony-est dragon there is, and that the trolls are going to eat him.”

We shared a long silence as Helen smirked, until one by one we nodded. I nodded last. I didn’t like the thought of going to the Great Dragon, but you have to take care of babies. Especially when trolls might snatch them.

“Okay,” said Calvin. “Let’s go.”

And we did.


	21. The Arrival of Baby Daren Act 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 of 4

Act 2

The time I had met the Great Dragon I had used the secret door in the linen closet, but Helen lead us kids through the Metal Cave without stopping. She knew every crack and corner, and warned us when the ceiling got low and where the walls were spiky. At first the crickets were silent, but once we were past the pond, they began to chirp again. Unlike regular crickets, they chirped deep and slow. Each one was more like a burp than a chirp. Helen kept going. Fireflies swarmed the walls, and little round bugs with too many feet crawled on the ceiling, feeling their way with glowing antennas. We went deep underground, and it wasn’t scary at all. Helen knew where we were going, and the brothers were here.

Far underground we found the inside out house. The iron tunnel ended as a rain gutter on the inside of a wall, pouring a little stream of water onto the carpet of moss. It was thick, so thick a footstep didn’t make any noise. The water didn’t tinkle either but vanished into the soil. The walls were far apart, farther than the farthest point on the fences, and they were covered in trees up to the ceiling. Through a great doorway in a greater wall, we saw a deeper woods. That one was so deep green it looked black. A single pillar of smoke rose from the woods and curled among the thick stalactites of the ceiling. The smoke curled like a big, sleeping dragon.

“We have to go through there,” said Helen pointing at the doorway. She looked at Calvin. “You go first.”

“I want to go first!” said Hector, and he pushed Calvin out of the way.

“What? You can’t go first!” yelled Helen, but Hector was already going. He ran past Calvin and down the moss hallway, and it was all Calvin could do to follow. Helen hummed uncertainly, and then she took off running after him. I didn’t know what to do, so I went behind.

Hector’s a fast runner, and he left Calvin in the dust. He went right into the dark woods, and dashed along the fallen leaves. Thick trees rose around him, and he darted between them as easily as a bumblebee. Soon he was out of sight.

“Um, Hector wasn’t supposed to go so far ahead,” said Helen to me, but it sounded like she was talking to herself.

“We have to catch up!” I told her.

“Um,” said Helen.

I ran even faster, and soon passed Helen when I hit the trees. Calvin was already ahead of me, and he had bright yellow shoes. His shirt was brown and his pants were gray, and they looked like the woods. From behind I could only see his shoes. Then he turned a corner, and he was gone.

I realized suddenly that Helen wasn’t behind me either. Calvin and Hector had run too fast in front, and I’d passed Helen before we came to the Forrest room. I was alone, and the woods smelled of dragon.

Dragons smell like oily smoke. When Dad cooks bacon, sometimes he forgets to take the pan off the burner when he’s done, and the grease burns. That’s how dragon’s smell. It stuck to the trees and slithered over the pine needles. The smell of dragon hung over the forest, watching me. I was very alone, suddenly, and I had been running and puffing very loud. I stopped, took a deep breath, and went sneaky.

Dragons may smell bad, but you can find them by following the smell. I know there were dragons around here, so I went sneaking towards them. I needed to find Hector before he tried to talk to the dragon, because suddenly, I didn’t feel good about Helen’s plan at all.

I found one, but it wasn’t the Great Dragon. This was a Bone Dragon, a dragon skeleton with no scales. He didn’t have wings or fur, and his head was nothing but a spiky skeleton. There were no lips to keep his teeth in, and he didn’t have lugs to breath! But he smoked. His bones and his talons spewed a white, ugly smoke into the air. He smelled like Uncle Frank after Uncle Frank went out to his car for a few minutes at Christmas. The Great Dragon didn’t smell like this, but I could smell the oily stench in the woods around us.

That meant there were two dragons about, and that is entirely too many dragons.

The Bone Dragon hissed. It should have been a snore, but his teeth sliced the wind. They cut the snore into pieces, and it ran away in bits. Sleeping on his back with his talons in the air, the Bone Dragon didn’t have any wings to keep him up. He chortled and hissed in his sleep, and even his mean dragon-laughter was cut up into snickers. 

This was a really bad dragon. I turned around and walked right away.

I went looking for Hector. Calvin was following Hector, so the brothers were probably together. The woods stayed quiet, and I got well away from the bone dragon as fast as I could. Even then I didn’t breath normal but took little breaths like the dragon’s sharp teeth had cut up my noises too.

By the time I found Hector, Hector had found the Great Dragon. And Hector was talking to him.

“Why do you have so many feet?” asked Hector.

“Because I run like the wind! I come as the flame! I am faster than lightning and sudden as night!”

“Yeah, but you don’t need that many feet,” said Hector. “Mr Dragon, I think you are just showing off.”

“I am not. That is a perfectly reasonable number of feet for a dragon to have,” snapped the Great Dragon. He didn’t sound mad. He sounded like he wanted to grumble, but he had more teeth than feet, and frankly, he had a lot of feet.

The Great Dragon was big. He was bigger than the bone dragon because he had scales and wings and stuff. His talons were long and terrible too, but his belly was white and his top was black. The Great Dragon had deep set eyes under spiky dragon eyebrows, made of scales and spurs instead of hair. From his nose came the scent of oily smoke, and right now he was curled up with his forepaws crossed in front of him. He had two more paws on either side, each with talons bigger than me, and another two paws, one on each side, sticking out behind him beside his tail. One the tip of his tail was a spike like a shovel head, and it had spikes all the way down. Hector wasn’t looking at the spikes.

“You have eight feet!” said Hector. “I’ve never seen so many feet. Spiders have eight legs, but they don’t really have feet. Do you have shoes?

“No!” yelled the Great Dragon. “I leave my feet bare so my terrible talons can rip you to shreds!”

“That’s good,” said Hector. “Because you would need a lot of socks.”

“Dragons do not wear socks!”

“I hope not!” 

The Great Dragon scowled at Hector. Hector nodded up at him. 

“Small child, you don’t seem to understand the gravity of your situation,” said the Great Dragon.

“Oh, yeah. You’re a dragon. Big teeth. Why do you have spikes on your elbows?”

“Small child, I am going to eat you. My elbow spikes are the least-”

Hector climbed up the dragon’s paws and started poking at his elbows!

“Small child, stop that,” said the dragon.

“You have toes on your elbows!” yelled Hector.

The Great Dragon reached up and very calmly put one of his terrible talons over his face.

“Elbow toes!” yelled Hector. “Eight feet and elbow toes! That’s way too many toes. You’re just showing off.”

My brother shook his head. He wasn’t scared, just a little disappointed.

“Small child, do you have someone else I can eat instead?” grumbled the Great Dragon. He lifted his terrible talon so he could look down at Hector. 

“No,” said Hector. “Mr Dragon, I don’t mean to be mean, but you have too many feet. How did you get all these feet?” 

“I’m a dragon!” yelled the Great Dragon in a voice like thunder.

“Mr Dragon, answer the question,” urged Hector.

“I ate other, smaller dragons and took their feet!” gloated/admitted the Great Dragon, and Hector yelled, “Ah ha!”

“That’s what dragons do!” continued the Great Dragon.

Hector shook his head. “Mr Dragon, you need to stop eating other dragons and taking their feet. That is not okay.”

The Great Dragon looked down at Hector, who was scolding him from the back of one of the Great Dragon’s great paws, and frowned. Then he licked one of his dragon lips. The Great Dragon had an idea.

At this moment Calvin came running out of the trees with sticks in his hair. He took the scene with one look and ran right up the dragon’s paw to stand by Hector.

“Hey, dragon!” yelled Calvin.

“Jackpot,” said the Great Dragon. He smiled a toothy smile. 

“It’s Mr Dragon,” Hector corrected Calvin. 

“Gotcha. Mr Dragon, are you the biggest dragon?” asked Calvin.

“Yes,” said the Great Dragon. He preened his scales with a terrible talon.

“Did you eat the bone dragon?” asked Calvin.

“I did,” said the Great Dragon. 

One of his rear paws kicked idly like it itched, just over his tail so we could all see it. It was a long, dangerous paw with bone claws and sharp spikes. The Great Dragon stretched before lowering it back behind his tail. 

“Was it because the bone dragon said you were a wimpy dragon who looked like cheese?” asked Calvin.

The Great Dragon stopped preening.

“Oh, Mr Dragon, that is not good,” said Hector.

“The bone dragon did not say that! He’s dead!” yelled the Great Dragon, who looked much less pleased than he had even when Hector had said he had too many feet.

“Yeah, but he’s a _bone dragon_ ,” said Calvin.

“That’s what bone dragons do,” said Hector.

The brothers nodded. 

“No, they don’t!” roared the Great Dragon. “They lie still and be et!”

“I disagreed with him,” said Calvin. He looked up at the Great Dragon. “I told him you were the biggest and meanest dragon, but the bone dragon didn’t believe me.”

“Did he say anything about the Great Dragon’s feet?” asked Hector.

“Nothing good,” said Calvin.

The brothers shook their heads.

“Now you listen here!” yelled the Great Dragon, who humphed and puffed, and snorted oily smoke like a chimney. “I am the greatest of dragons!”

“That’s what I said,” agreed Calvin.

“Me too!” yelled Hector.

“You know who your greatest fan is, Mr Dragon?” asked Calvin.

“Who?” demanded the Great Dragon. “Me? I’m pretty great.”

“Baby Daren,” said Hector.

“He thinks you’re the greatest dragon ever,” said Calvin.

“Well, he’s right!” said the Great Dragon. “And I’ll eat anyone who says otherwise!”

“But you already ate the bone dragon,” said Calvin.

“And it’s not like you can eat the trolls, Mr Dragon,” agreed Hector.

“I can’t eat who?” demanded the Great Dragon.

“The trolls,” said Calvin.

“They said a lot of bad things about you,” said Calvin.

“Things about the Blue Stripey Blanket,” said Hector.

“They said it was too big for you,” said Calvin.

“But just right for trolls,” said Hector.

The Great Dragon seethed, and a thousand tongues of flame boiled out of his nose.

“Listen up, you little squeakers. I can eat anyone. I’ll go eat a troll right now!”

“Bet you won’t,” said Calvin.

“Mr Dragon, I don’t know if you’re that big,” said Hector, and he sounded worried.

“I am the Great Dragon!” he roared, and he swatted the brothers off his paw like they were nothing. They flew through the air and thumped into the trees! 

The Great Dragon didn’t even wait to see if they were okay. He jumped up to his feet, and thundered off through the forest, breaking trees with his many feet and throwing them up behind him. He was certainly fast, and his feet sounded like a herd of angry goats. 

“Jackpot,” said Calvin, and the brothers bumped fists.


	22. The Arrival of Baby Daren Act 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 of 4

Act 3

I was bewildered. Calvin had done that without punching anybody! I didn’t know he could do that.

“We need to find our sisters,” said Hector when he and Calvin had climbed out of the pile of trees the Great Dragon had broken. They weren’t hurt, but pine needles were stuck in their hair. Calvin was covered in pine sap, and it stuck his shirt to his skin. That really itches. Hector had lost his shoes.

“I’ll do it!” I said, and I dashed out of my hiding spot. “I’ve already found me!”

“Where were you?” gasped Hector.

“I was watching. I didn’t know what to do, so I was hiding.”

“You are the sneaky one,” agreed Calvin. “Do you know where Helen is?”

“No, but I’ll find her,” I promised.

“Can you find my shoes?” asked Hector.

“No,” I said. “I have to find Helen. When you find your shoes, meet me at the Copper River that’s over there.” I pointed through the trees. I remembered this place from before when the trolls had chased me almost to the Great Dragon, and there was a river like a metal snake nearby. “Don’t wait too long, because if the Great Dragon returns, he will probably eat you.”

“It’s what dragons do,” agreed Hector.

The brothers nodded.

I left Hector looking for his shoes and Calvin trying to unstick his shirt from his pants. I felt great! I had been really worried about talking to the Great Dragon, but the brothers had done it. Now I had to find Helen, and that required searching and sneaking. I love sneaky searching! This was my job. Shadows made more noise than me, and they didn’t look in as many places as I canvased the forest, peering into Helen-shaped holes and looking under Helen-sized rocks. It was hard, and I couldn’t find her anywhere. I stopped and thought, and wondered why I couldn’t find her.

A voice that sounded like Mom said she had to be in a place I hadn’t looked. 

But I searched all the places, I told Mom in my head.

All the places? asked Mom.

All the places she could be, I admitted.

If she’s not in any of the places she could be, she must be in a place she can’t, said Mom. 

But she’s not there!

She must be, said Mom.

Mom, as always, was right.

There was only one place Helen couldn’t be, so that had to be where she was. I went to the clearing of the bone dragon, and that’s where I found her.

Helen sat on a rock and sang a little rhyme. It went, “Rocks go plop where the big fish swim, Leaves on top but the sticks fall in, Don’t swim first in rocky-drop glen, Fish get fat when you’ve got no fins.” I stared at from the trees, because it’s a weird little song. 

The huge skeleton of the bone dragon did not move. Only smoke rose, but the winds disturbed by the terror of the Great Dragon’s passing twisted the pillars of smoke into curves. The smoke swam like the fish in the rocky-drop glen pond. The dragon skeleton did not move, and it was missing one foot on the back by the tail. 

I felt suspicious. It might be because of the bone dragon. It did smell pretty bad. Shaking off my concern, I walked out of the trees so Helen could see me and called her name.

“Hello, Mara,” said Helen. “I lost you in the woods.”

“I was being sneaky. Come on. We have to go to the Copper River.”

“Okay,” said Helen. She hopped off the rock. “I guess we should go looking for the brothers.”

“I already found them. They talked to the Great Dragon like you said, and he went to eat a troll. We’re meeting the brothers at the Copper River.”

Helen did not immediately move. She looked at me and finally said, “Oh,” after a long time. She remained still.

I watched Helen. “So we should go,” I said. I spoke slowly and carefully, wondering what she would respond.

“Oh. Yes. We should,” she agreed. “Thank goodness they’re okay.”

“Yes,” I replied.

Neither of us moved and neither of us laughed, but slow, deep chuckles began to echo through the clearing. They were dry, raspy chuckles that were not happy or nice. They were bad people chuckles for when bad people laugh at bad things happening to others. They sounded like Uncle Frank when he laughs at the news, but Uncle Frank was not in the woods with us. The clearing laughed and rasped until it coughed, slowly, and then it coughed and spit. It finished with a dry, “Heh,” that was mean and sly.

Both Helen and I turned to face the laughing dragon. His skull was wide and nasty, and without any scales, his mouth made a big grin of long teeth. 

“Hello, kiddies,” said the bone dragon. “I liked your rhyme. Fish get fat on the first one in.”

“That’s not the rhyme,” said Helen quietly. She almost whispered.

“Of course, of course,” whispered the bone dragon right back, but even his whispers were big and huge. He smiled, and the smoke pooled in his eyes. 

“Helen, I think we should go,” I said. 

Helen didn’t respond. She was looking at the bone dragon’s eyes, where smoke swirled like a whirlpool. If you looked down the center, you could see the shadows inside the dragon’s skull, deep shadows that followed the long throat of the dragon down to its belly. Helen was looking into the shadows, and she told me later she couldn’t see the dragon’s belly yet, but every second she looked she could see a little deeper. It was like traveling down the dragon’s throat into the smoky underground.

“Helen, we should go,” I said again.

“You can go, little child,” whispered the dry-voiced bone dragon. He sounded like a scratchy throat when I needed a glass of water. “Helen was the first one in, but you can go, little child.”

The bone dragon smoked, but it wasn’t smoke from inside his smile. The dragon himself smoked. His teeth seethed, and his bones fumed. Smoke rolled out of his bones and tail, and seeped out of the ground beneath his sides. It was hard to see the dragon’s grin because he was inside a gray fog, but if I looked I could see long teeth. The longer I looked, the longer his teeth got. 

“Helen, it is time to go,” I decided.

“Go, little child. Go,” whispered the bone dragon.

Helen took one small step towards the big smoky dragon.

I was having none of this! I grabbed Helen’s hand and pulled, but she wouldn’t come. I couldn’t even pick her up. Helen is a little bigger than me, and she stayed on the ground like a big tree. She might have been rooted! Yet once I let go, she took another little step towards the bone dragon’s smile. 

“Go, little child. Go,” whispered the bone dragon to me, and to Helen, “Sing your song.”

“Rocks go plop where the big fish swim, Leaves on top but the sticks fall in, Don’t swim first in rocky-drop glen, Fish get fat on the first one in,” sang Helen very quietly. She sounded scared of her own song, but she didn’t look away from the terrible dragon. I grabbed her and tried to put my hands over her eyes, but she squirmed around. She was too big!

“Oh!” I whined, and I knew this was trouble. 

Mom, what do I do? I asked inside my head. Helen is looking at the dragon, and she won’t stop!

Don’t let her look at the dragon, said Mom. 

My hands aren’t big enough! I told her.

Use your sweater, said Mom.

Okay! I said and grabbed my sweat. I pulled my left arm out first and stuck it down through the body hole to separate the sweater from my shirt, and then the bone dragon laughed.

“Little child, little child, is that a dragon scar?” 

I froze.

Slow, evil chuckles roiled the cleared. “You’ve been marked by a very great dragon for being very mean to a lesser dragon. Heh, heh. Well done, child. Well done. It is good to be mean to another dragon. That is what we do.”

I didn’t want to move, and I didn’t want to put my sweater down or lift my arm up. The dragon knew! I stared at the smoky skeleton in silence, too scared to even think. The forest was quiet. No birds sang.

During the silence, I said, “But I didn’t mean it. I was just teasing him because he was a dragon,” and while I said it, I took a step towards the bone dragon’s smile.


	23. The Arrival of Baby Daren Act 4

Act 4

Mom, I don’t know what to do. Did you hear that?

Yes, sweetie. You know what to do.

What? I asked Mom.

You have to save your sister.

But if I use my sweater, the bone dragon will see my dragon scar! It makes me a bad person.

Sweetie, you’re not a bad person for saving your sister. You can be bad for being mean to others, even when you’re pretending to help someone else. But you’re not being mean to the dragon. You’re trying to save your sister, said Mom.

But, but he’ll see, I thought very quietly. I thought it so quietly I could barely hear it myself.

What’s more important, Mara Harmon? asked my Mom.

Being nice to my sister? I thought-whispered.

Yes, sweetie. That’s why you’re not a bad person. The dragon is wrong.

I felt sadder than I had ever been, and I was more scared of taking off my sweater than looking into the dragon’s eyes. I knew what would happen if the dragon got me, but I was more scared of showing anyone the dragon scar than being et.

But Helen was now well ahead of me, almost to the dragon. And the bone dragon smiled at the center of his smoke, and his eyes were dark tunnels down his throat. 

I think it was the scariest thing ever, but I pulled off my sweater and yanked it down over Helen’s head!

She tried to take another step but couldn’t see! She turned around and bonked into a rock!

“Such a terrible scar, little girl. A dragon scar,” whispered the dragon, and I was too close. He had me. The dragon whispered evil dragony things, and the dragon scar itched like fire. I took a step towards his large teeth, which I could now see quite clearly. They were black and brown, wreathed in smoke, and little bits of dirt and sticks were caught in the base. But the points were very sharp, and I could fit between them, into the evil dragon’s smile. 

Helen shoved the body hole of the sweater over my head and now I couldn’t see either! I tried to step into the dragon’s mouth, but got it all wrong. We were attached at the heads! We could not walk straight at all.

“Small children, what are you doing?” demanded the smoky dragon.

“Stop putting your sweater on my head!” yelled Helen. Her face was right near mine.

“I didn’t want you to get eaten by a dragon!” I yelled.

“I don’t want to get eaten by a dragon either!” yelled Helen.

“Children, come here. I’m going to eat you both.”

“No!” I yelled, because I couldn’t see the evil dragon’s smoky eyes.

Helen grabbed my hand and started walking. I followed. The dragon whispered-yelled behind us, and we kept walking. We bonked into trees! We bonked into rocks. We bonked into each other a lot, a whole lot, and then Helen tripped on a stick and bonked into my face! I sat on her, and we yelled at each other for a while. Then we yanked the sweater off so we could see, and we were in the woods.

There were no dragons. We were safe.

I put my sweater back on. Helen didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to, but finally I did. 

“I don’t know if we have to tell the brothers,” I told her.

“Anything?” asked Helen.

“Anything,” I agreed. “We can just forget this ever happened.”

“Okay,” said Helen.

We got up and went to the Copper River.

 

 

When we got to the river, the brothers were waiting for us. I had told Helen what happened with the Great Dragon, and lead her out of the woods, down the bank to where they sat on a rock by the water. 

“We’re safe,” I said.

“We saw a skunk!” said Hector.

“We didn’t touch it,” said Calvin sagely.

Helen didn’t say anything, but she walked up to Calvin and gave him a hug. Calvin looked confused. Then Helen gave Hector a hug. He told her about the skunk. She nodded. I didn’t say anything until they were done.

“That should take care of the trolls,” I said when Helen, Calvin, and Hector were listening. 

“Well, not really,” said Calvin. “The trolls are crafty. I don’t think the dragon will eat any of them.”

“Really?” asked Hector. He looked sad.

“Maybe it will work,” said Helen, looking down at her shoes.

“Don’t worry,” said Calvin. “That was never really the plan anyway. Right?”

Helen looked down even harder, and didn’t say anything.

“What do you mean?” asked Hector.

I didn’t know what to say! I had to say something, but my tongue was tied in knots. Helen looked like she wanted to cry! It was all going to be wrong.

“Because we’re not worried about the dragon!” exclaimed Calvin. “We’re worried about the trolls. And Mara and Helen made a deal with the trolls!”

Me and the sister looked up.

“We did?” asked Helen.

“Of course. The trolls promised they won’t snatch baby Daren if we give them some dragon gold,” said Calvin. “You said so in upside-down city in the Great Underground!”

Calvin reached into his pockets and pulled out fistfuls of something. It was hard and weird shaped. It didn’t even fit in his hand. 

To our astonished eyes Calvin revealed two handfuls of grade-A dragon gold!

“I found it while we were looking for Hector’s shoes! That was the plan all along, right?” he asked Helen. “You must have forgotten because you were thinking about dragons, and they’re pretty distracting.”

Helen didn’t say anything. She looked at the ceiling.

“Maybe,” I said.

“You stole gold from the dragon?” asked Hector.

“Of course. But he’s a big dragon, and he’ll probably never know,” said Calvin.

Elsewhere, far away, a roar like a thousand lions shook the forest and whipped the trees. It was so far away the echoes from the ceiling and walls of the great inside-out house made the roar sound like it repeated, and each one sounded like a terrible Great Dragon shouting, “MY GOLD!” 

It was very far away, but given how loud it was, it sounded verier close.

“Um,” said Hector.

“The children took it!” shouted the dry, raspy thunder of the bone dragon.

“How did he know?” gasped Calvin.

“I don’t think he did,” I admitted. “I think he’s lying, but he just so happens to be right.”

“Those little squeakers! I’ll eat them all and take their feet!” roared the Great Dragon, and his voice sounded like Doom!

“We should run,” I suggested.

“Oh, yes,” said Calvin.

And we ran really, really fast.

 

Now was the dragon-chase! The Great Dragon roared and shouted, screaming in fury as his bellows bounded off the ceiling-like-a-sky. Long plumes of dragon smoke had curled up on the ceiling. They didn’t merge into one big cloud but slithered about in distinct serpent coils of gray fumes. Dragon roars shook the coils until they broke apart into mist, and the whole ceiling jostled with waves breaking over the stalactites. Down here the trees shook and cracked. The earth grumbled and groaned. Over the tops of the shaking trees, the wide fins of the dragon’s back rushed between the hills. He was running as fast as eight legs would go, stomping his wide tail onto the ground as he went. 

I can’t run and stomp at the same time. Dragon’s can, though. That’s why they have so many legs and tails. They’re bad.

“Dragons are so cool,” said Calvin.

“Calvin, he’s going to eat us!” yelled Helen.

“That is what dragons do,” interjected Hector.

I didn’t say anything. I was running. 

The dragon chased us through trees and smoke. He blasted the air with fire as he ran, and falling splashes of flame set the trees ablaze. He wasn’t even aiming. He was just mad. 

First we went straight for a wall, and then the hills before us burst into white heat. Then we went back to the river, and when we got there, the dragon had boiled it all up! We hid under a pile of rocks as the Great Dragon charged by almost over-head. He was so big and so mad he didn’t stop to look, and we went the other way as he smashed the woods and broke the hills. I’ve never seen anyone so mad. He smacked the rocks with his tail and cracked them, but didn’t look behind him to see us in the rubble. We ran again, angling for the doorway out. 

“Hold on,” I said. “I know a secret way out of here. It’s the way of the closet and the Treacherous Dragon. He’s dangerous, but he’s not as dangerous as the Great Dragon.”

“Lead on,” said Calvin, and Hector nodded. Helen urged me to go.

Once we changed direction, the Great Dragon lost us for a while. He smashed around among the big trees, setting things on fire and knocking them over, but we weren’t there. We went to a deep chasm that ran right into the wall with the high pictures. They looked small and normal sized, but I knew each one was taller than our house! Somewhere around here was the hamster-hole, but I wasn’t looking for that. The ravine lead us through rocks and under trees, sometimes so deep that it felt like a cave. We kept going. 

In the end it opened up into a four-sided canyon with with the secret ways on the far side. But between us and there was the Bone Dragon. 

“I have you now, little children!” snorted the dragon skeleton, and twin plumes of seething smoke shot out of his nose!

“No!” yelled Helen. She ran forward to point her finger at him. “You’re a bad dragon, and no one likes you!”

“That may be true,” conceded the Bone Dragon. “But you’re forgetting one thing.”

“What!?” she demanded.

“I’m a dragon, and I don’t care,” he replied. And he ate her in one bite!

“No!” screamed Calvin, and he dropped the dragon-gold to charge the Bone Dragon. He ran up the Bone Dragon’s front paw and punched him, right in the nose!

The Bone Dragon ate Calvin too.

From deep inside the Bone Dragon’s terrible jaws I head someone mutter, “Crud.”

“Hector, what do we do?” I asked. I could barely breath; I was in shock!

“You do something sneaky,” Hector told me. “In the meantime, I have a plan.”

I didn’t understand, but there was no time for questions. I ran and hid among the rocks, as Hector walked up to the evil skeleton dragon. The Bone Dragon smiled.

But Hector didn’t punch the Bone Dragon, and he didn’t shout at him. Hector asked, “Mr Dragon, why don’t you have more feet?”

The smoky skull of the Bone Dragon turned perplexed. His jaws worked emptily. “What?” demanded the skeleton dragon.

“You’ve only got three feet. One, two, three,” counted Hector. “You need more feet. Mr Dragon, where are your feet?”

Sure enough, the Bone Dragon did only have three feet. He had two front paws which had terrible talons rooted on smoking bones, but he only had one paw in back. On the other side was a stump of leg bones that ended where the ankle should be.

“That’s none of your business,” said the Bone Dragon.

I had to do something fast. Hector couldn’t talk to the Bone Dragon forever-

I paused.

The Bone Dragon wouldn’t listen to Hector talk forever! Soon the Bone Dragon would eat Hector, and then they’d all be gone.

I knew what I had to do. This would be my greatest sneaking. I had to sneak inside the dragon!

“Mr Dragon, did the Great Dragon take your feet?” asked Hector.

“No,” said the Bone Dragon.

“Mr Dragon, the Great Dragon said he did, so one of you is lying.”

“No, we’re not.”

“Mr Dragon,” scolded Hector.

The dragon’s skull was pointed right at Hector, seething smoke unhappily into the air. I was in some rocks behind him, but there was no cover between me and them. I had no choice. I stayed low, slinking across the barren rock with my hands out. If he looked behind me, I was done for. But the Bone Dragon was arguing with Hector, and he didn’t look away. I got right up to the Bone Dragon’s shoulders, and crawled into his head from behind!

Inside the Bone Dragon’s fleshless skull stood Helen and Calvin. They were fighting with both hands and yelling, and looming above them was a vortex of smoke and darkness. Every shout they shouted was sucked away down the dragon’s throat, but they didn’t stop. As the dragon moved, bottom of his jaw shifted, and my sister and brother got jostled around. Suspiciously, they kept moving closer and closer to the dragon’s terrible stomach, but they were too busy fighting to notice.

“You tried to feed me to a dragon!” yelled Calvin.

“Well, I don’t like getting punched!”

“Being eaten by a dragon is worse than getting punched!”

“It isn’t when I don’t like you!” yelled Helen.

“Oh!” yelled Calvin, and he punched her!

The Bone Dragon jostled as he argued with Hector, and both Helen and Calvin lurched, almost into the dragon’s throat.

“Guys!” I yelled. “You’re inside a dragon!”

“I’m fine!” yelled Calvin.

“It’s not so bad,” agreed Helen.

“Yes, it is! You’ve been eaten by a dragon!”

“No!” they both yelled, and as one, crossed their arms and wouldn’t look at me.

I changed tact. “Helen. Calvin. Listen up. This is how the dragon gets you. He doesn’t have a mouth or a throat, so he can’t eat people on his own. He’s just a skeleton. But if you let him eat you, he will. He’s a dragon! And if you fight inside a dragon, you stay inside a dragon.”

“I don’t care,” said Helen. She lifted her chin, but a shake put her right at the edge of falling into the dragon’s belly.

“Dragons are neat,” agreed Calvin.

“But the trolls will snatch baby Daren if we don’t give them the gold, and I can’t do that alone. They’ll snatch me and Hector. We need help.”

Calvin didn’t say anything. Helen paused. Neither of them looked at each other, but the ice between them thawed. 

Outside, the Bone Dragon was so close to Hector my other brother said, “Mr Dragon, you don’t even brush! How can you eat people if you don’t brush!?”

“I’ll show you,” whispered the raspy Bone Dragon, and his head lifted up to bite down and swallow Hector.

“Please?” I asked, which wasn’t very smart or ingenious, or even sneaky. I just needed help. “Please?”

As the Bone Dragon paused before eating Hector, Calvin and Helen looked at each other.

“Okay, maybe,” grumbled Calvin. 

“Because baby Daren needs help,” muttered Helen.

And the Bone Dragon struck like a snake! His head flashed forward and down, moving fast as lightning, and he chomped hard on Hector! He chomped so hard, he missed Hector and bit the ground. His teeth seized a huge rock and clenched it. Meanwhile, the shock threw the three of us inside against Hector, and we all rolled out the sides of his dangerous teeth. 

Before we knew what was going on, the four Harmon kids were sitting in the box canyon outside the dragon. The Bone Dragon was looking at us with one eye, but his teeth were locked on a big rock. He growled and gurgled, and he couldn’t shake himself free.

“Let’s go,” I said.

“Okay,” said Calvin. “Hector, you take the dragon gold. I don’t want it.”

“I don’t want it either,” said Helen.

They walked to the secret ways ahead of us.

Hector picked up the dragon gold and I followed, and we left the inside-out house.

 

And so, at the end of the day, Hector was in Dad's chair watching Jaguar Man, Helen was sitting on the couch complaining about Jaguar Man, I was at the dinner table because I couldn't go until I ate my spinach, and Calvin was in trouble for punching.

I hadn't punched anyone, but I had to sit at the table, which wasn't fair because Dad was lecturing Calvin about punching, and I had to listen to it. I sat with my arms crossed and stared angrily at my spinach. It was all spinach's fault.

I looked away and saw Mom holding baby Daren in the kitchen. She was sort of dancing and sort of swaying, and baby Daren looked like the entire process was a grave inconvenience. 

“Calvin, do you understand?” asked Dad.

“Yes,” said Calvin, but he didn't mean it.

“Calvin, we do not punch people that we love,” said Dad.

“My other Dad did,” said Calvin.

That was sort of weird, and I didn't hear it at first. Mom froze, and when I looked over, Dad had frozen too. He didn't freeze completely though. His face moved. It started with shock and then shifted. It was something I've never seen on Dad before: incredible, unthinking rage. It turned him white and red, and the veins bulged on his neck. His eyes got small. 

When he did speak, his voice was very firm. He usually spoke like that when he was angry, but he didn't sound angry. He sounded scared, and that didn't make sense.

“Calvin, I'm am your Dad now, and I always will be. And we do not punch people that we love.”

“Okay,” said Calvin. Calvin sounded weird too. 

Dad didn't say anything as he stared at the wall. Calvin was eating his rice piece by piece, a difficult task that would have been avoided if he hadn't smashed all the rice pieces apart while being lectured. After a bit Dad turned just his eyes to look in the kitchen at Mom.

She nodded, and glanced left, towards the TV room. 

Dad squinted.

Mom glanced left again, patting Daren’s back. 

Dad opened his eyes very quickly, then got up and walked around the couch to talk with Helen. They started talking quietly. I couldn't hear them over the sound of Jaguar Man. Mom slipped around the other side of the kitchen, near the pantry, and I couldn't see her anymore. She would be standing where the kitchen met the foyer across from the High and Low Stairs. The Family Room opened to the foyer there. 

I looked away from the spinach, and Calvin met my eyes. Calvin had gone white and shaking.

No one was watching, so I left the spinach. 

“Calvin?” I whispered.

“Why is Dad saying no?” Calvin whispered back. 

Dad was talking with Helen. She was sitting on his knee, and Dad was refusing.

“I don't know,” I admitted. “Let's go listen. We'll sneak.”

Calvin didn't move, but he was honestly shaking. I grabbed him by the hand and took him to the back of the couch, the side towards the dining room. 

“Helen, you're not going to get eaten by a camel,” said Dad.

“You don't know that!”

“Sweetie, camels don't eat people,” and he added in his lecturing tone, “They're herbivores.”

“Evil camels aren't!”

Now he sounded tired again. “Honey, evil camels don't exist.”

“Yes, they do! I remember when you took us to the petting zoo before you were our Dad and I tried to pet a camel and it bit me! I didn't do anything to it! It just wanted to eat me, and that's evil!”

“Helen, I'm your forever Dad. There will be no evil camels.”

“Dad, Dad!” yelled Calvin as he climbed over the couch. Calvin was terrible at sneaking. “Can I punch someone if I’m doing karate?”

“Only if they're doing karate too. And only if they know they're doing karate!” Dad added, thinking fast. “No surprise karate.”

“Hey, Hector! Want to do karate?” yelled Calvin.

“No! I'll get punched!” yelled Hector.

“Smart man,” said Dad. He had both hands around Helen and was staring at the ceiling like it had answers. He asked wistfully, “Would you all be serious for a second?”

“Am I smart?” I asked. I was serious.

“Yes.” Dad was serious.

“What about the camels?” yelled Helen who was mad no one was talking about her.

“Dad, can I punch an evil camel?” asked Calvin.

“Calvin, don't punch your sister.”

“I am not an evil camel!”


	24. Once Upon a Time, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned I was thinking of doing more with this, and I've decided to turn it into the finale. One of my mental hobgoblins is the number of unfinished work I have lying around, so I'm trying to cap this one suitably. I'm excited. 1/27/2018
> 
>  
> 
> Typos, 1/3/2018

Once upon a time the prettiest princess in all the land, Helen, was walking through the woods when she met the handsomest prince in all the land, Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes. Princess Helen and Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes decided to walk together to visit their sick grandmother, and the woods were dark and mysterious. They followed the path that went under thick tree branches and over rocks as big as houses, and always the leaves overhead got thicker and thicker. The shadows grew darker and darker. Soon it was so dark that the prince and princess could barely see their way, and they had to hold hands as they came to a thin bridge over a terrible chasm. Its walls were sheer and precipitous, and far below they heard water rushing over sharp rocks.

They had made it halfway across when from the woods before them a malicious troll leaped onto the bridge! He had long grasping fingers and evil eyes, and one great horn on the very top of his head.

“Little kids, little kids, answer my rhyme, or soon you’ll be sitting in my belly at lunchtime!” sang the troll. He smiled with his brown, stinky teeth.

Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes shot him with a bazooka!

Kaboom! The troll fell off the bridge and died.

Princess Helen yelled at the prince. “You can’t solve all your problems with a bazooka! We need to answer his riddle!”

“Not anymore, we don’t,” replied the prince (Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes).

“Yes, we do!” yelled the princess (Helen), and she punched him!

Unfortunately, because she punched her brother, she was promptly mauled by bears.

“Shoot,” grumbled Princess Helen. 

“Okay!” yelled Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes, and he shot the bears with his bazooka!

“Hey!” said the bears, and they ate the prince (Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes).

The prince FTD could not shoot the bears again because he only had two shots with his bazooka. Unfortunately, you can only solve so many problems with a bazooka.

“Alas,” wailed mauled Princess Helen, who had learned her lesson and deeply regretted punching her brother. “I am doomed. The only thing I do not regret was punching my brother.”

Yes, she did.

“No, I’m pretty sure I don’t,” said Princess Helen.

She was mistaken.

At that exact moment, as Princess Helen was on the verge of a terrible demise, a great and sinister dragon appeared. Her wings were wide, burning without being consumed but reeking of a foul smoke. She did not yet breath fire, but it fell from her teeth and tail. She landed and regarded the scene of chaos.

“For a long time I have avoided this place because of the evil troll. He would eat all the bad children and leave the good ones alone. I cannot stand eating good children, for I like my children seasoned with malice and greed,” she said. “But now he is gone, and I am here for lunch!”

Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes could not shoot the dragon because he had been eaten by bears, and he didn’t have any more bazooka shots.

“See? If you hadn’t shot the bears, you could have shot the dragon!” yelled Princess Helen.

“But I shot them for mauling you!” yelled prince FTD from deep within a bear belly. “I was avenging you!”

“He is right,” agreed the bears.

“Don’t side with him! Dragon Mara, let’s eat these bears!” yelled the Princess.

“I don’t want to be a dragon,” said the dragon. “I want to be a hound.”

The dragon only had one shape-shift, so she used it to become a hound.

“Thanks!” said the hound, and she scratched her ear!

The hound unfortunately scratched her so hard she fell off the bridge and plummeted into the grisly chasm. Would anyone save her?

“I can’t save her. I’ve been eaten by bears,” said prince FTD. 

“I’m doomed,” said Princess Helen, fainting with one hand at her forehead.

“I’m bears!” said the bears.

Things were not looking good for the hound.

At the last moment the hound tumbled onto a sparse tree that stuck out over the raging rapids. It was so low that foam from the angry river sprayed her face, and currents rushed into dangerous pools.

“Those are undercut rocks!” yelled the bears. “They can cause entrapment and death!”

“Tension Pneumothorax!” yelled prince FTD from inside the bears.

“Oh, that’s bad,” said Princess Helen. “I’ll throw down my hair like Rapunzel and let the hound climb up!”

It was a brilliant plan! Princess Helen had very long hair, and she cast it over the side of the bridge. The hound climbed it at once, which was hard because she had paws and not hands, but Princess Helen had braided her hair so the hound had plenty of footholds. The hound climbed swiftly to safety and ate the bears.

“Hey!” yelled the bears, but they were stuck in the hound’s belly.

“HA HA!” yelled Princess Helen. “I am now the sole power in the realm! I crush the peasants!”

Princess Helen had forgotten she had been mauled by bears and lay on the very edge of death. She needed to make peace with her people, so they would build her a delightful monument.

“Ooh, that is a nice idea,” said Princess Helen. “Goodbye, fair people of the kingdom! I go to a better place! Know that I love you, and bequeath you peace in your time.”

The peasants who heard were touched.

Then the hound ate Princess Helen!

“Shoot,” said Princess Helen.

“We could escape if I could use my bazooka!” yelled Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes. 

The bears ate Princess Helen too. It wasn’t clear how that worked, but they were all in the hound’s belly together.

“It’s unclear because it’s dark,” said the hound. However now she was full and leaving the narrow bridge of peril, she loped into the woods. There she found her den and slept, and with her slept the bears, Prince Facesmasher Theodore Doomcakes, and Princess Helen. And the hound lived happily ever after, while everyone else was digested by stomach acids. 

The end.

#

“That was the best!” yelled Hector. “Good story, Dad! Good story.”

“Thank you,” said Dad. “Go brush your teeth. Bears need to brush their teeth too.”

“Okay!” said Hector, and he raced out of the Girls’ Room to the bathroom. Calvin had been sitting with him on my bed, but he didn’t rush out as fast as Hector.

“Dad, can I have a bazooka?” he asked.

“No,” said Dad.

“Please?” 

“Come on. I’ll help you brush your teeth and go to bed,” said Dad. 

Calvin didn’t like that, and he grumbled as he got up. He walked to the bathroom with hunched shoulders, scowling at Mom. She stood in the doorway, listening, and didn’t say anything.

Dad paused, facing her.

“Yes?” he asked. He had a weird smile.

“Nothing, dear,” said Mom, and she patted him on the chest. Dad walked out after Hector and Calvin, and Mom came into our room. “Have you two brushed your teeth already?”

We had. Mom fussed us into bed and told Helen goodnight first. Helen shimmied in the bed, and the frame shook. Mom shushed her quietly, and Helen shimmied once more before going still. Mom patted her hair. When she kissed my sister goodnight, Helen said goodnight too, and Mom leaned down to tuck me in.

“Are you okay? You took a mighty fall when you were scratching your ear.”

“I’m only on the bottom bunk, Mom,” I said.

“Well, you’re very tough,” said Mom. “And very flexible. But no falling out of bed. Good night, sweetie. I’ll let Rufus in after he goes outside.”

“You have to dry him,” I told Mom. “It’s raining, and Rufus hates being wet.”

“I will. I promise,” said Mom.

“Okay. Goodnight, Mom.”

“Goodnight.”

She left the door open a crack and went outside. Baby Daren was sleeping, or at least he wasn’t screaming, and the parents paused outside their door listening. They whispered and went downstairs on tiptoes. The rain had let up, and Dad said he was going to take Rufus for a walk. If he had to dry the dog anyway, he might as well get some exercise out of it. Mom said she was going to grade papers. The front door opened, and I head Rufus’ leash jingle-jingle. The door shut, and the house was very quiet.

Hector snuck into our room. 

“Bears are the best!” he said and sat on the foot locker by the window. It’s where Mom kept a fire extinguisher and old coats. 

“I ate more people than you,” I replied. 

“No, you didn’t!” whisper-yelled Hector. “I ate the Prince and the Princess!”

“But Helen also ate you,” interjected Helen from the top bunk. “If you get half a person for eating me after the hound ate us both, you ate a person and a half. But Mara gets half a person for eating Calvin after you ate her, and she gets a person for eating you. So she gets two and a half people, and the bears only get one and a half people. She ate a full person more than you.”

Both Hector and I were quiet as we thought about that. Helen always did the best math.

“I think she’s right,” said Hector. He sounded glum.

“Of course I’m right. I’m a princess,” said Helen.


	25. Once Upon a Time, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See revisions to chapter 24. This is part 2 of the finale.

Part 2

At that exact moment a dry, slithery whisper snuck into the room like a snake crawling into a bird’s nest. It was raspy and cold. 

“What are you doing, little child, all alone and tender?”

Hector gasped, but Helen and I went silent. We didn’t even blink. 

“I’m going to get you now-” it said when another voice interrupted, “No, you won’t!”

Hector gasped again, and Helen and I looked at each other. Both of us were looking at the air vent, but that wasn’t it. The voice was coming from the hall! I jumped out of bed and Helen rolled right over the safety bar to land on her feet next to me. Hector was too scared to know what to do, but we did. We grabbed him and dashed into the Parents’ Room.

We were not allowed in here, ever, but we went anyway.

There were trolls in the Parents’ Room: big ones and little ones. Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, stood on the edge of the dresser with his eyes burning in the darkness, yellow and red. He looked right over the edge of the crib at baby Daren. With the great evil troll were his four hench-trolls, Titus, Andromache, Temorra, and Chiron. They didn’t want to be here, but they were scared of the evil Snatcher in Darkness. 

Standing cross from them was Calvin. He had two pairs of pants, one on his legs, one on his head, and he stood between all five trolls and the air vent they had used to come in. Calvin looked mad, and he was ready for a fight.

“I’m going to eat the baby!” hissed Aurelius. He scowled and made a grasping motion towards Daren.

“That’s not good,” muttered Daren.

“No, you won’t!” snarled Calvin. “He’s going to grow up so I can teach him karate!”

(“Not better,” said Daren.)

“I got him!” snarled the troll, and he snatched baby Daren out of the crib!

Calvin put his head down and charged all five trolls, fists swinging. Temorra was even bigger than Calvin, and she punched him right in his nose. Calvin didn’t stop. Calvin ran over Temorra and jumped on Aurelius, snatching HIM! The great troll dropped the baby, but I was already there. While they’d been yelling, I sneaked in and caught Daren before he could hit the ground. Then Chiron tried to grab me but Hector grabbed him, and Helen jumped on Temorra. Titus and Andromache looked worried, and they didn’t grab anyone. I turned to run, and Aurelius yelled at the two trolls who weren’t in the big fight.

“You get that baby right now, or I’ll boil your toes!” he screamed. 

He had reason to scream, because Calvin was biting his face. 

Titus and Andromache didn’t want to do it, but they chased me so I fled. Out the parents’ door into the hallway, I ran. The High Stairs were right there, leading down to light and safety, but Mom had put up baby-gates. They were high plastic, and I had no time. I turned right and ran into the linen closet! The trolls were right behind, but they froze in the hallway, scared of the light.

“Hello, little girl,” whispered the Treacherous Dragon as soon as I ducked into the closet. 

“You!” I gasped.

“ME!” He cackled!

“Who is that?” asked baby Daren.

“He’s the Treacherous Dragon,” I explained. “But he’ll be the Good Dragon if he helps us hide from the trolls. They’re scared of him.”

“I could be the Good Dragon?” the dragon inquired.

“Oh, yes.” I wiggled my eyebrows at him. 

“That sounds boring. Get her, trolls! She’s in here!” yelled the dragon.

The trolls finally worked up the courage to creep into the bright hallway, and they ran towards the closet, away from the light. They charged in, and I thought for sure they were going to get us both.

That dragon was never going to be the Good Dragon. But he wasn’t just the Bad Dragon either. He was the Treacherous Dragon, and he deserved it.

The dragon pulled the hidden levers and pressed the secret switches, and the bottom dropped out of the closet! All four of us, trolls, baby, and me, tumbled into the house full of dragons far below while the Treacherous Dragon laughed and laughed. He laughed so hard he snortled and started coughing. He’s long as a snake, so his coughs sounded like toots. 

“Mara, the accommodations here are simply unacceptable,” said Daren as we tumbled to a heap. Trolls fell out of the tube above us like hairy, stinky rain. Daren added, “I want to talk to management.”

“No time!” I said, and careful to support Daren’s head, I ran.

“Oh, I’m going to leave reviews about this,” he muttered.

“What? I’m helping you!” I snarled, but I had to run or trolls would eat me.

We dashed over fallen trees bigger than my house and climbed under slabs of rock that could hold the whole neighborhood. Behind the backyard of the above-ground house there are woods with a high wall, a wall as tall as the house where the sound of cars and traffic never ends. There were stone boxes as big as that wall, and sometimes they were piled high with sleeping dragons. 

Dragons sleep a lot. The rest of the time they’re eating or fighting, and the only time they’re not, they’re concocting new devilry. Devilry must be exhausting, and even general dragonry sounds like a lot of work.

But I ran with baby Daren under one arm, and he told me I was doing it wrong.

I found a gazebo. It was like a reverse picnic table. The benches made a hexagon inside with a wide table-railing outside. It had a roof but no walls, and a doorway on one side so people could come in without getting their feet on the benches. I climbed in and put baby Daren down. He grumbled. The trolls had stopped chasing me to fight with each other in the woods, and now, it was quiet. 

For a long time the woods were dark and silent. Far overhead coils of dragon-smoke wove between the stalactites of the ceiling and slithered through holes in stone, creeping up and out. The woods were still.

Gently, a troll behind a tree waved his three-fingered hand a few times to get my attention, and stepped out. He didn’t rush over. It was Titus, the troll who wore a big hat with a bit poked out of the middle, and he didn’t try to snatch me, or bite me at all. Instead he walked over and stopped outside the gazebo.

“Hey. Can we talk?” he asked.

I looked at baby Daren. Baby Daren didn’t know what to say. I looked back at the troll.

“Yeah,” I said suspiciously. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I think this is getting a little out of hand,” said Titus. “I like eating babies, but honestly I like not being chased by dragons more. There are other things I can eat: bits of trash, old shoes, apples that have turned all gooey. I do like the babies, but I’m willing to deal.”

I looked at the troll suspiciously. No other trolls looked like they were sneaking out of the woods. “We tried to make a deal. We even got some dragon gold, and we’re willing to give it up, but you said-”

Titus interrupted me. “Yes, yes. Do you want to say I told you so, or do you want to make a deal? I’m a troll. I’ll only do one.”

I wanted to say I told you so. I didn’t even really want to make a deal at all, and trolls were just no good. But...

I looked at baby Daren.

“I’ll make a deal,” I said. “First, where’s the other troll?”

“Andromache is hiding in the woods. She thinks you’ll try to punch my face.”

I was about to say something about baby snatching, but instead I just hissed. “Well, that’s a reasonable suspicion. Tell her to come out so I can see you both. I don’t like any lurking.”

Andromache did come out, and they both advanced near the gazebo without coming too close. They looked beat up. Titus had had his hat punched down over his head, and it was almost a collar. He had put it back on his head, but it slumped over and drooped over his ears. Andromache was covered in troll bite-marks, and I think a few others. Neither of them looked happy.

“The problem is Aurelius,” said Andromache, when we had all stared at each other and Daren had fallen over. “The Snatcher in Darkness won’t give up, and he doesn’t even want to eat babies. He’s just mean. We two, and even Chiron, think this is way too much trouble. Temorra thinks so too, but she has to go back to the City of Screams if we don’t eat any babies and explain why not. Her performance evaluation will not be good without a single baby eaten.”

Both Titus and Andromache shook their long-nosed troll heads. 

“Oh,” I said. I hadn’t thought about trolls like that. For all their fighting between each other, the thought that some of them might not want to chase us, or even disagree with the others who did, had never occurred to me. 

“But the thing is, we all have to go back to the City of Screams. We don’t have any place else to go,” said Andromache.

“But we don’t want to go there. There’s nothing but punching and biting, and no hot sauce,” sighed Titus.

“A troll can’t live without hot sauce!” yelled Andromache.

“It’s like a night without thunder!” added Titus.

They shuddered.

“You like hot sauce?” I asked.

“Have you ever tried eating trash without hot sauce?” demanded Titus.

“No,” I admitted.

“It’s not so good,” said Titus.

“It stinks,” added Andromache.

“But, wouldn’t it stink even with hot sauce?” I asked.

The two trolls just looked at me like I had two heads.

I liked hot sauce, but I liked hot sauce on things I liked without hot sauce. Like tacos, pizza, and not trash. Trolls were weird.

“If we gave you dragon gold, would you leave, and never eat babies again?” I asked. 

“Yes,” said Andromache.

“But Aurelius won’t,” said Titus.

“The Snatcher in Darkness won’t go anywhere,” added Andromache.

“But we have a plan.”


	26. Once Upon a Time, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3/4
> 
> 2/10/2018

“All the Cthonian Trolls are trapped in the City of Screams unless called for by a Haunter. Temorra is our head-troll, and she’s a Haunter. She sent a letter down to the City of Screams asking for help, and they sent Aurelius. But he’s not allowed out without that letter. He’s too bad. If someone took the letter from him and burned it, he would have to go back down like he was grounded!”

Andromache explained this while Titus nodded along. I saw where they were going.

“Where’s the letter?” I asked.

“Aurelius has it,” said Andromache, and Titus added, “Always.”

“You have to steal it,” Andromache said when he was done, and Titus interrupted her, “He carries it in his jacket.”

I looked at them. “You want me to steal a letter from the jacket of Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness?” I asked.

“Yes,” said Andromache.

“I certainly won’t do it,” said Titus.

I was scared and about to say, ‘no,’ when baby Daren put his hand on my arm. “It’s okay, Mara. You’re a big kid, and you know what that means.”

I didn’t know what that meant. I wasn’t as big as Daren thought I was. So I asked, “Yes?” and didn’t really answer.

“Let’s do crime!” whispered Daren, and his round eyes gleamed.

We went troll hunting.

Trolls try to be sneaky, but they punch the trees and kick the rocks. They bang sticks on the ground and fight. Aurelius, Temorra, and Chiron had dragged Calvin, Helen, and Hector back to their cook pots hidden deep in the walls. They went by secret ways. But Titus and Andromache knew the secret ways, and they lead me through troll tunnels in the walls. We climbed spirals of wet stairs and slid down banisters in the dark. Soon the rock walls turned to metal.

The huff-puff of the iron furnace breathed over our shoulders, smelling of heat and dry air. Titus stopped walking so fast. He dropped to the back. Andromache suggested Daren and I go alone. We didn’t let them weasel out. I didn’t want to go either and if I couldn’t weasel, no one weaseled! We searched for Helen and the brothers. 

We found them in the trolls’ kitchen. It was dark and gloomy. Old socks hung from the ceiling. The floor was made of broken plates. Chiron was pouring dirty dishwasher water into a great big pot as Temorra chopped up old shoes. She stirred the slices into Chiron’s soup with an old broom. The room smelled like dirty laundry that gets forgotten in the closet until Mom finds it and has to yell. 

Worst of all was Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness. He wasn’t helping. Aurelius stood outside the cook-fire light where the shadows hung from broken glass lamps. Only his pointy nose stuck into the light. He sniffed and chortled, and giggled evil troll giggles. Even his giggles sounded mean. They merged with the clangs and bangs of the old iron furnace. 

Daren and I crept to the edge of the kitchen and looked in. While we took in the scene Andromache and Titus finally ran away. They didn’t say anything and they didn’t sneak, but the trolls were too busy cooking or sniffing to hear.

Daren put his hand on my arm again. “Good luck.”

“Aren’t you coming?” I hissed.

“I can’t. I’m a baby!” He waved his pudgy hands. 

“Oh. Right.”

Shoot.

As I was scareder than I’ve ever been, I hesitated on the edge of the light and saw Helen waving at me. She was tied up with Calvin and Hector, and they had to stand straight and tall with their backs to a wooden stake. They had so many ropes around their middles they looked like a barrel. Her hands were down at her sides, which is why none of the trolls noticed she was waving her fingers and looking at me. I waved back. She waved again and nodded.

Helen leaned over towards Calvin and whispered, “Go!”

The trolls should have heard, but they were thinking mean things. They weren’t paying attention. 

But Calvin heard, and he whispered to Hector, “Go!”

Hector leaned back. “Where are we going?”

“You’re not going anywhere!” hissed Aurelius from the darkness. “You’ll stay right there until you die!”

“Yes, they are,” said Temorra. “They’re going in a cookpot!”

Aurelius looked at her. “No, they aren’t. We’re going to roast them on the stake.”

Temorra stopped chopping. “Then why are we making soup!?” she demanded.

“I have no idea. It’s a waste of time!” said Aurelius.

Chiron was carrying a bit pot of dirty water, and he dropped it in a huff. The troll folded his arms and scowled. 

“You pick that up and put all the water back!” snapped Temorra at Chiron. 

He grumbled as he picked up the pot and starting grabbing water with his fingers. It didn’t work very well. 

“Of course we’re making soup,” she added to Aurelius. “Otherwise, why aren’t they roasting on the fire already?”

“Because they’re stewing in their fear!” yelled the Snatcher in Darkness.

“No, we’re not!” yelled Calvin. “We’re fighting!”

“Oh, right! I forgot,” admitted Hector. He punched Calvin!

But his hands were tied, so Hector couldn’t punch very hard. He kind of smacked Calvin on the knuckles, and Calvin sort of smacked him back. They patted each other angrily with the hands that were tied together. 

“See?” demanded Aurelius, pointing at my fighting brothers. 

“What are they doing?” asked Temorra bewildered.

“We’ve gone mad with fear,” said Helen. She blinked at the troll Haunter with a dead serious expression.

“I expected more screaming,” admitted Chiron, who paused in his unsuccessful task of picking up spilled water.

“It takes time,” explained Helen. 

All the trolls circled the kidnapped children.

“Do you know how long?” asked Temorra. “We are on a schedule here.”

“I’m eating someone and soon,” shouted Aurelius. 

“Do I have time to go to the bathroom?” asked Chiron. 

“Yes,” said Temorra, and Chiron ran out. She looked at the Snatcher in Darkness. “Oh, you meant stew in their fear! A metaphorical stewing.”

“Of course,” he replied.

(The trolls weren’t paying attention to the distraction, so Calvin pinched Hector. Hector yelped. The trolls ignored them. Calvin pinched Helen. She yelped! The trolls shushed them.)

“I thought you meant an actual stew,” said Temorra to Aurelius. “We do usually stew our children.”

“No, we roast them!”

“Why didn’t you say that before we made the stew?” demanded Temorra.

“How should I know what you’re doing?” Aurelius snorted. “I assumed you’re just dumb!”

“Don’t take that, Temorra!” hissed Helen. “Tell him his shoes make his head look fat!”

The trolls started fighting again. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised, but even better, I wasn’t scared any more. It was time for sneaking.

The furnace banged, and the trolls kept fighting. Helen insulted them both. The brothers tried to wiggle around in their ropes to do real fighting, but they were tied so tight, they couldn’t move. Hector was tied so tight when he wiggled his knuckles popped! The brothers stopped play-fighting immediately, because Calvin wanted to see if he could pop his own knuckles, and they went “pop-pop-pop” as the furnace went “bang-bang-bang” and the trolls went “stupid-stupid-stupid!” No one heard Mara go ‘creep, creep, creep.’

I ghosted across the floor. I was quieter than the hot air in the shadows. I went right behind the trolls and to my siblings to try to undo the ropes. The ropes were too tight and too strong, locked with a single big lock. Helen was shouting at the trolls, but she stopped, looked at me, and looked right at Aurelius’ pocket. The brothers nodded.

I swallowed. 

Then I left Helen and the brothers at their stake, and crept up behind Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness.

Aurelius wore boots and a big jacket, one that came down to his knees. It was stained with grime. The pocket with the padlock key was on his right side, and I hid behind him so Temorra couldn’t see. I tried not to breathe. I reached for the key.

I touched his oily fur, and everything went bad.

Trolls are furry, but they’re not furry like dogs. They’re furry like thistles. Their hairs are long and stand up straight, but on the end of each hair is a bit of a hook. It can catch you all by itself. 

When I brushed Aurelius’s fur, some of his hairs snagged my arm, and pulled. Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, gasped! I shot my arm out and snatched the padlock key right out of his pocket, but the evil troll whirled around and grabbed me! He knocked the key out of my hand! In a flash, Temorra ran around him and jumped on me too. Then both trolls snatched me up and shook me in the air.

“We’ve got her!” yelled Aurelius. “We’ve caught the last kid! Now we’ve got them all, and we will eat well tonight!”

“Boil her!” yelled Temorra.

“Bake her!” yelled Aurelius.

“Stick her in a stew!” they yelled together.

“Poke her with a knife!” said Aurelius.

“Stab her with a fork!” said Temorra. 

“Beat her with a shoe!” they yelled together.

“No!” I wailed, but it was too late. They jumped and danced, and carried me around. I couldn’t struggle free. Both nasty trolls held me tight, and they were not going to let go.

I thought I was doomed. This was, I was certain, the end. The finish. I was going to be eaten by trolls. I missed my parents. I missed cat. I missed my dog. 

I wasn’t sorry, though, and that made me feel better.

For the first time ever, the trolls agreed on something, and they held me tight while they prepared the stew fire. They didn’t really trust each other, though, so both of them watched the other while the stew heated up. Chiron wasn’t attending it, and it had a long time to boil. I looked at Helen and the brothers, and I realized that they were scared, real scared, like they hadn’t been before. I tried to smile but looked away to the corner.

Baby Daren had crawled out of the darkness where we had come, heading right for the padlock key.

I stopped being scared and became shocked! The siblings saw where I was looking, and all three of them gasped! None of us spoke. Baby Daren was right in the middle of the floor with no shadow or hiding space, and he crawled right up to the key and his hands were too small to grab it. Daren picked up the key in his mouth. He didn’t look like it tasted good at all. Then Daren crawled the rest of the way across the floor and unlocked the other kids. While doing so he whispered in soft, low-pitched baby grumbles. 

At that exact moment, Chiron came back from the bathroom and yelled, “Hey, what’s this baby doing here!?”

Aurelius and Temorra even stopped arguing and whirled around. All the trolls drooled. For a moment no one moved.

Temorra dropped me like a hot rock and dashed at Daren! Her hands flexed and opened greedily. Aurelius threw me aside like yesterday’s socks and raced for the baby. He drooled so much slobber bits flew against the walls. Chiron pounced, leaping through the air with all his catching hands and grabbing feet in front of him, and should have landed right on baby Daren!

But the kids were free, and Helen punched the troll! Chiron said, “Ooof!” and tumbled backwards into a wall.

Hector dove for the ground, but he wasn’t hiding. Hector landed on the ground right in front of Temorra, and she was so greedy she wasn’t looking where she was going. She tripped over Hector, and slid across the floor on her face, squeaking like an angry mouse. Only Aurelius got past her, but Calvin jumped on him. They started fighting.

I got up, ran past the fight, and grabbed baby Daren. (I was careful to support his head.) I couldn’t get out the way I had come, because Temorra was by that doorway, and she was getting up mad. I couldn’t go out the other way, because Chiron was in a pile by that door. I raced back on the other side of the fire. Aurelius got his hands on Calvin and threw him off, and my brother hit the ground with ‘oof!’ But the Illiumites picked him up, and they came around the fire with me. Calvin had his hand inside his shirt, and I thought he was hurt. 

The trolls faced us, and there was no way out. They cackled and laughed, and giggled mean, evil-troll-giggles. 

But I wasn’t scared. All my brothers and sister, even Daren, was with me, and I felt safe. And I didn’t know it yet, but Calvin had a plan.


	27. Once Upon a Time, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2/11/2018

Part 4

“The fighting was my idea,” Helen whispered to me, as we stared down the trolls across a dirty stew pot. “We knew you were coming.”

“Thanks!” I said.

“We were a distraction!” agreed Hector.

“Good job,” I agreed.

“But now we’re doomed,” he added.

“Ah, crud,” muttered Daren.

“Hey trolls!” yelled Calvin. For some reason, he was smiling. “This is your last warning. Go away, and don’t ever come back! Or you’ll be stuck together forever!”

“We’re eating that baby!” yelled Aurelius.

“We’re eating you kids!” yelled Temorra.

“Do we have to?” asked Chiron.

The other two trolls looked at him.

“I’ll be honest, I don’t even like eating kids or babies. The kids don’t smell good, and the other keeps crawling around on the ground. We might as well eat feet! The idea of eating kids is fine, but in practice, I really just want to hide in my hole and ask riddles.”

“What kind of quitter talk is that?” demanded Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness.

“You may as well not even be a troll!” yelled Temorra.

“Don’t you like riddles?” asked Chiron. “I like riddles a lot.”

“Oh,” hissed Aurelius.

“Ew,” snarled Temorra, and the two big trolls suddenly agreed.

“That’s it. You’re not even a troll anymore. You don’t get to eat any kids, and you won’t get a bit of babies. Get out, and don’t ever come back,” yelled Aurelius. 

Chiron jumped, and he didn’t know what to do. He looked between the two trolls, and then surprisingly looked at us.

“It’s okay,” I said. “You can find Titus and Andromache.”

“We aren’t mad,” said Hector. “We’re just happy you changed your mind.”

“Do you know any riddles?” asked Helen.

“Oh, yeah!” said Chiron. “What do you call a duck with an army ant on its back?”

“Get out!” yelled Aurelius, and “Go away!” yelled Temorra.

“Eep!” said Chiron, and he raced off.

We were alone now, but the two trolls were the biggest and meanest of them all.

I still thought we were doomed, but Calvin still had a plan.

“Are you going to eat us?” he asked.

Calvin was smiling, and Calvin never smiled unless he was punching. But Calvin wasn’t punching. We didn’t know what was going on.

“Oh, yes,” said Aurelius.

“We won’t even cook you,” said Temorra.

“We’ll eat you raw!” yelled Aurelius.

“But you can’t do that in the City of Screams, where you belong,” said Calvin, and he slowly pulled a crinkly sheet of paper from inside his shirt. “And only this letter says Aurelius, the Snatcher in Darkness, is allowed out of the City of Screams!” He held the paper up.

Aurelius gasped and shot his hand into his pocket. It was empty!

“You stole it from me!” yelled the big troll, and Temorra didn’t say anything. She looked scared.

“Crime!” yelled baby Daren, and Calvin laughed. He held the paper up for just a moment and dropped it into the troll cook-fire. The paper was greasy, oily, and burned up in an instant. 

“No!” yelled Aurelius, and deep underground a great sound echoed through the secret ways and hidden passages. It echoed between the walls. A gong rang like the trumpet of doom, and we could hear it all through the house.

“We have to run,” whispered Aurelius. “They’re coming.”

“You run. I’m staying here,” snorted Temorra. She took a step away from the Snatcher in Darkness.”

“You don’t understand. You’re with me. You’ll be tried with me under troll law!” gasped the terrified troll.

“But everyone’s guilty under troll law!” exclaimed Temorra.

“Run!” wailed Aurelius.

“Run!” agreed Temorra, and those two trolls, the meanest and evilest of them all, turned around and ran away.

“Everyone’s guilty under troll law?” asked Helen.

“That does not sound fair at all,” said Calvin.

“We shouldn’t be here for troll law,” said Hector. “We should go to bed. You’re not allowed to get out of bed even for troll law.”

And everyone looked at Hector and agreed. 

We ran away.

#

We put Daren back, and he was cranky by the time he crawled into his crib. But he liked it more than the tunnels, so he lay down and went to sleep. We snuck out of the parents’ room and shut the door behind us. Dad was just coming back with Rufus from their walk, and he and Mom were talking in hushed tones. Rufus jingled in his collar. He shook when he was wet, and he didn’t like it. Mom got a towel, and the parents talked while they dried the dog.

“How do you think the kids will take it?” asked Dad. We listened on the stairs.

“I think they’ll be excited. I know Mara wanted a new brother,” said Mom.

“Well, they’ve got one now,” said Dad. “We’ll tell them in the morning. I have no idea how we’re going to afford five kids.”

“We’ll figure it out,” said Mom, and they started talking about taxes. 

We remembered we still had to go to bed to escape troll law, so we split up. In the Girls’ Room, Helen climbed onto the top bunk, and I tucked myself in again. I also made sure the floor had a clear place for Rufus to sleep. I didn’t think any troll law was going to mess with him!

Before going to sleep, Helen asked, “We’re getting a new brother?”

“Daren’s going to be our brother now,” I said. That’s what the parents had said.

“You think the trolls will snatch him?” Helen asked.

“No,” I said. “I don’t think the trolls that are left really want to snatch anyone. I think they just want to do troll things like eat trash with hot sauce and tell riddles.”

“Oh,” said Helen. She settled down, and I thought she was going to sleep, but she was just thinking.

“Now, dragons on the other hand,” I said to myself and didn’t finish. We were going to have to do something about the dragons.

Before falling asleep, the last thing I heard was Helen thinking out loud. 

“What do you call a duck with an army ant on its back?” she asked, and I had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finito. Thank you for reading. I'm trying to publish this, and this is where the book ends. Your comments and advice is appreciated.
> 
> If I continue this, it will be marked incomplete. 
> 
> Mara Harmon may return, but she's super sneaky. You'll only notice her if you're really looking.

**Author's Note:**

> Collected works of Mara, in the order they're generally intended to be read. New stuff as of 25 May 2017 appears in chapter 9.


End file.
